This is the man who will bring us the paradise we all dream of. Dorma stretched out his hand to indicate the person behind him.
I was also standing behind him. If I stepped forward, it would look like he ant . I could draw everyones attention while Claire and Maurice snuck into the mansion. Everyone would think I was so kind of idiot (again), but I could do it.
I could, but I wasnt going to. What am I, a fucking idiot?
Jenny nudged in the back. I arched my shoulder blades to absorb the shove without moving.
Commander Varg! Dorma introduced Varg to the crowd who broke into wild cheers. Varg stepped forward, arms raised.
You could have done it then, said Claire under her breath as she applauded politely.
Yeah, added Maurice, also clapping. For so reason they felt the need to act like they were supporting Vargs appointnt, even though it had nothing to do with us.
People of et, bood Varg, war is co! Cheers. The fight for our freedom begins! More cheering. I promise you this
Cheers, vague claims of imminent triumph, heartfelt gratitude towards those who would give their lives for the cause, blah, blah, jubilant blah.
Maurice leaned closer to . We need to get that manual.
Why? I asked. You already know how to fly the flappy-box, right? Its like those remote control helicopters you had at ho.
Maurices did a hard blink, making his glasses slip down his nose. He pushed them back up. Its more than that. He reached round my back and poked Claire.
Its not just the box, she said. Its for all their magic. If we get hold of it, well know how their magic works.
Ill admit, it was a reasonable suggestion. Phil had the device that stopped ti but getting hold of it wouldnt an wed know how to operate it. And there were any number of other magical artefacts we might co across. As a young male, reading a manual was, of course, anathema to just plug it in and lets see what it does!but in this case I might have made an exception.
However, there was one slight problem.
Im not going to cause a distraction or be your decoy, and neither of you are going anywhere, I said as Varg raised his fist to unadulterated enthusiasm for whatever bullshit he had just announced to the crowd.
Why not? hissed Claire. You dont think we can handle it?
No, I dont, but thats not the reason. What language do you think the books written in?
They both leaned forward and exchanged a look across ; a look clearly indicating they hadnt considered this.
Were on a different world, I said. Think how long it took us to learn the last language, and that was after we were gifted a Rosetta Stone. Technically it was a childrens learn-to-read book, but Rosetta Stone made it sound less dorky. Wed have to steal the book, learn to read, make sense of what the book said, and then try it out the fighting would be long over and wed all be Yuqis puppets by then.
Neither of them said anything. Dorma retook the podium and began another round of Queen at Live Aid. We listened to him fire up the crowd with calls for unity, a demand for the end of tyranny, and a chorus of We Will Rock You. Not that I was paying much attention. At least Claire and Maurice had realised they werent quite as smart as theyd thought. A perfect ti to put the boot in.
Next ti you have a bright idea that involves , I said out of the side of my mouth, take a deep breath, count to ten, and then please go fuck yourselves.
There was no response, which was unusual for Claire. Id expect at least so grinding of teeth. I glanced across. There was a tear running down her face.
At first I thought she was using the old female trick of getting upset when you say sothing horribleso underhandedbut then I realised she wasnt even looking at . Her gaze was fixed on the back of Dormas head.
What?
She continued staring straight ahead. Hes going to kill them all. n, won, children. He plans to let them all die.
Another psycho masquerading as a caring leader; not exactly a surprise. I shrugged. Its war. Thats what its good for. Anyway, its not like it matters. They enjoy dying. Theyll just co back to life.
She slowly turned her head to face . No, hes going to send them to fight the war golems. Theyre like huge demons. They eat people. They wont co back to life. Hes Her voice caught in her throat and she winced like a sharp pain was going through her head. He keeps thinking about how each of them will be torn apart and devoured. Hes looking forward to it.
She looked like she was about to be sick. She knocked out of her way as she ran past into Maurices arm, taking him by surprise.
You have to do sothing, said a voice in my ear.
If Id known sex with a girl ant shed always be on my shoulder telling what to do, I wouldnt have bothered. Okay, thats not true. Id still have sex with her, but a lot quicker and then Id make a run for it. After having rid myself of my own conscience, the last thing I needed was a new one with a vagina.
This has nothing to do with us, I mumbled into my shoulder. I didnt want to turn around and look at her in case she tried to hypnotise , a well-known ability of snakes.
Do not fear! shouted Dorma. I am not asking you to fight an unwinnable fight. We have a secret weapon.
It was the hush that caught my attention more than the rhetoric. The whole crowd seed to be holding its breath. I fully expected the secret weapon to be so symbolic sword or ancient prophecy. Anything to get the crowd geed up. The atmosphere was pretty electric, though. Thousands of people all focused on one man is a powerful thing to witness.
Those of you who have recently risen, know the masters are seeking a sorcerer. A man they fear. A man as powerful as them. That man is here with us now! He threw his hand towards and pointed.
I looked to my side. I wasnt going to fall for the sa trick twice; Maurice was holding onto Claire. I looked on the other side; Dudley was holding Flossie. She wasnt upset, they were just embracing for no reason.
His na is Colin and he will lead the charge to victory! Colin, say a few words.
Break a leg. I was violently goosed in the left buttock, making leap up on my toes. While I was off-balance, a shove in the small of my back sent hurtling forward.
Dorma opened his arms to receive and clamped by the shoulders. He planted a firm yet tender kiss on each cheek. It wasnt enjoyable, although since Id been kissed by very few people in my life, he still made it into my top five.
Just show them so of your tricks, he whispered into my ear, give the fools so hope to cling to. He winked at and then pushed towards the podium.
I was so thrown by being suddenly called on by na, I forgot to turn around and run away. Instead, I found myself standing behind the stone podium, looking out at a sea of uncertain faces. The silence was unnerving to say the least.
Er I began in a cracked voice. I cleared my throat. Hello, Im Colin. Nothing. Im the secret weapon, apparently.
It was amazing how well my voice carried. The acoustics were great. Not so wonderful were the thousands of cold, hard stares coming the other way. When soone told them theyd be running into the jaws of monsters it was whoops galore and holla holla. I take the stage and not so much as a thanks for coming.
Of course, Im not really a secret weapon. If I was, Dorma wouldnt shout it out in the open where the masters could easily hear about it, not unless he was a complete imbecile.
I turned to look at Dorma. The smile fell off his face.
So, ah, General Dorma wants you all to fight the war golems while we sneak in the back, right? Id heard enough of what Dorm and Varg had said to get the gist of their plan. I think thats a pretty stupid idea.
A mixture of surprise and confusion spread through the crowd, trickled into the lined-up soldiers, their eyes betraying them as they glanced sideways at each other, and passed all the way to the people behind .
The tension in my body slowly eased away. The people were not on my side, nobody was happy to see , but I had their attention completely. They wanted to hear what I was going to say next, and that was enough for to feel comfortable speaking to so many. I didnt need their approval or their admiration. I didnt need anything from them. They needed .
Fighting out in the open with no training, won and children, against opponents who are far more powerful than youthe whole things obviously a bad idea. Of course we dont want you to do that, it was just a test to see if you were committed to the cause.
Where was I going with this? No idea. The crowd began muttering to each other. Youd think they might show a little more enthusiastic about not being the main course for the war golems, but they glared at like I was the one they werent too sure about. So people dont know whats in their own best interest.
We want to fight, soone shouted. Voices rang out from all sides as people agreed.
These people had died so many tis they thought they would live forever. Other people might be sacrificed, but not them. They deserved to co out the other side with a bright future ahead of them because life is fair and the righteous would prevail. Sure, all the evidence pointed to the opposite being true, but this ti, this ti it would be different!
What these people needed was a slap in the face.
Nobodys asking you to fight, I said. Theyre asking you to die. And not those little naps you take, Im talking about proper death you wont wake up from. Ever. You think you know what it is to die? You have no idea. Ive seen things you people wouldnt believe.
I dont believe you, called out a solitary voice from sowhere at the back.
I ignored the heckler. Ive been attacked by fish in the clouds over Dalada. Ive seen sea monsters glittering in the dark near the bottom of the ocean. And Ive watched war golems rip n apart until all that was left was a sar. Ive seen weretics tear off human heads and eat them like grapes. Ive slled the burning skin of the Jesters victims as they were cooked alive. I was taking so poetic licence but the effect on the crowd was more than worth a little stretching of the truth. They nervously looked around, muttering doubts to each other. Those are the deaths you can look forward to. If you charge into the Palace of Laughter, your lives will be lost forever like tears in rain. Is now really the ti for you to die?
More muttering, still no reaction indicating they understood what I was telling them.
I asked you a question. Do you want to die?
I waited. There was a long pause and then the sa voice at the back ca drifting over the heads of the crowd. No, not really.
Okay. Good. Heres what I want you to do. What we need is a distraction, and while a massacre is very distracting, another way to make sure the masters attention is on you instead of us is for you to hold a massive party.
Nobody said anything. The general atmosphere was one of, Go on
Just the wildest, craziest, noisiest party throughout the whole city. Music, dancing, as loud as you can. The masters will send war golems to investigate, but you arent doing anything wrong, so dance the night away. General Dorma will take care of the rest, assisted as always by Commander Varg. They will take all the risks, all the danger. You guys just keep throwing those shapes.
It was, admittedly, a stupid plan. Stupid like a fox. If it didnt pan out and the whole thing turned into a disaster, at least theyd had a party.
Slowly, people began looking around, lifting an eyebrow, shrugging a shoulder. If it was an important part of the plan, would it be so terrible? No harm in trying...
Soone grabbed by the collar and I was violently yanked away from the podium.
Plans are still being finalised, shouted Dorma with such ferocity, the first three rows were startled backwards and sent a ripple of jostling into the ranks behind them. You will be inford of your roles over the next two days. Be well. He spun on his heels, his eyes rolling and his nostrils flared. He nodded at Varg, who had firmly in his clutches, and marched back into the mansion.
The guards hurried to catch up and surround him. I was lifted up by the armpit and danced along on tiptoe, which isnt a very comfortable way to travel. We were swept along with the entourage of baffled dignitaries and nobles.
Everyone seed to have sowhere to go as soon as the large doors closed behind us. We were kept moving until we entered a grand room where Dorma was already seated behind a large desk. He had his elbows on the table with hands together, fingertips touching in Bond-villain repose. David stood beside him, face covered, not looking in my direction.
Varg released from his vice-like grip and gave a disapproving shake of the head, his other hand was on the poml of his giant broadsword. The soldiers all left and the door clicked shut.
What do you think youre doing? Dorma asked in a very quiet, very terse voice. It was a bit like Clint Eastwood asking for your opinion on the bullet capacity of .44 magnum.
Which part are you referring to? I asked.
Dorma stood up. Which part? He was shaking, scalp downwards. All of it? Why did you tell them to hold a party?
Oh that wasnt my idea, I said. I was just following orders from you know who.
This was my fallback position. Claim it was the Jesters idea, nothing to do with . What were they going to do? Call a liar?
Dorma sat down and opened a drawer in his desk, his piercing blue eyes remaining fixed on the whole ti. He took out a small, wooden cube, intricately carved with swirling grooves. He flipped open the top.
Oh, Colin, said a voice, so deep and guttural the little box trembled, I just dont know what Im going to do with you first.
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