"Ha—I was just… getting ready to find a new mate…"
The Earl stamred, trying to cover up the fact that he'd been sneaking booze again and was terrified of getting neutered.
"How do you even write let—wait…" Cohen started to ask why the Earl would order stuff by mail.
But the word "write" hit him like a brick, triggering a horrifying realization.
"*Oh crap! I forgot to do my sumr howork!*"
Cohen yelped.
He blad Voldemort, the Malfoys, those Azkaban black-cloaked weirdos, Norbert, Ally, and…
"And you! Earl! You didn't even remind !" Cohen latched onto him like a lifeline. "Didn't I tell you last term to keep an eye on my textbooks? Now it's payback ti—help crank out that howork! You're already writing letters, so get to it!"
"You want a *bird* to do your howork?!"
The Earl squawked, flapping in protest.
"No way! Work and school are for you furless freaks—don't you dare drag that filthy nonsense into the animal kingdom!"
"It's just one night of effort," Cohen said, turning the screws. "Then you can have your egg-laying potion back."
"Make it two potions," the Earl haggled. "And let drink for a week."
"You're *still* hooked, aren't you?!" Cohen snapped, faking outrage.
"Otherwise, I'd rather die than write your stupid howork," the Earl shot back, puffing up defiantly. "I've got more backbone than that dragon hag!"
"Fine…" Cohen sighed, acting like it was a huge concession. "If you get it done tonight, I'll grudgingly let you have your week."
"Deal—done by morning," the Earl promised lightning-fast, like he was scared Cohen would back out.
Bargain struck, Cohen smirked like a sleazy capitalist. This was all part of the plan. Who actually cared if the Earl's kidneys took a hit from the booze? It was just an excuse to give him an opening to exploit. To get quality work out of him, you had to dangle a carrot he'd really lunge for.
**[Ding! Sin Points 10]**
*[Note: Exploiting even a bird? You're pushing the 'no humanity' line a bit far.]*
Humanity's for humans to worry about, Cohen figured. Having a flicker of it now and then was plenty.
*Diarrhea log: Currently at Hogwarts, your resident capitalist Dentor.*
"One night, one miracle. I believe in you, Earl," Cohen said, giving him a pep talk before bed as the owl hunched over the desk.
Under the lamplight, an owl wielded a wand to scribble essays with a quill—what a fairy-tale life! A magical owl doing your sumr howork! Cohen had a new brainstorm: the Earl could start a side hustle at Hogwarts. Howork for hire, sothing to spice up his lazy, aimless days.
He even cooked up a tagline:
**"Why not ask the神奇的猫头鹰—er, Magical Owl?"**
---
That said, even a magical owl couldn't handle an all-nighter without crashing.
On the morning of the first day back, Cohen dragged himself out of bed, grumbling—Edward was already nagging him to get moving. Term-start traffic was a nightmare, even for Muggles.
"Holy—!"
Cohen's eyes popped open to see the Earl sprawled face-up on the desk, looking dead.
No way. It was just howork—surely he didn't croak…
Wait, there's a soul! Cohen spotted the Earl's soul still snug in his body and let out a relieved breath. His "Magical Owl" howork gig couldn't flop before it even started. Besides, it was just a deal—if the Earl couldn't finish, he could've bailed. No need to work himself to death.
Still, it seed the promise of two egg-laying potions and a week of drinking rights outweighed exhaustion.
The Earl had nailed every subject—fourteen parchnt pages of essays. The bird had serious smarts. Cohen was starting to buy that "I've lived hundreds of years" line.
But hundreds of years and still no lady owl? The Earl needed ga.
Cohen scooped him into the cage after packing the howork.
Everything was fine until he hit King's Cross at 10:45, slipped through Platform 9¾, boarded the train, and nabbed an empty compartnt near the back. That's when it hit him—he'd forgotten sothing.
He hadn't run into the Weasleys or Harry. Almost slipped his mind: if Dobby thought Cohen and Lucius were cooking up a Voldemort revival, it'd totally try to block Harry from Hogwarts, just like in the books.
Too late to turn back now—the train was about to roll. Even if Cohen hopped off, he'd never get through that elf-sealed wall.
Damn it—no flying car for him!
Cohen still wanted to figure out if Mr. Weasley's car had a soul. The books said it'd lived in the Forbidden Forest for ages and gone "wild." Dead things don't go wild.
The train rumbled to life, and Cohen stared out the window. Soon, a beat-up blue car would pop out of those clouds and land on the *Daily Prophet*'s front page.
He was about to squint for a glimpse of the car's soul strength when the compartnt door slid open.
Cohen figured it'd be Hermione—Harry and Ron were MIA, so she'd probably want to grill soone for info.
Nope. It was another girl.
Silver eyes, dirty-blonde hair, pale skin, and a startled look—like she was shocked, though it seed to be her default face.
"Hi—can I sit here?" Her voice was airy, like it was floating in from miles away.
"Sure, it's empty," Cohen said offhandedly, turning back to the window. "Cohen. Cohen Norton."
"I'm Luna. Luna Lovegood," she said. "Are you waiting for your friends? Are they in the clouds?"
"Sort of." Cohen spotted the car.
It had six soul-strength tags. Hedwig's steady 3 and Voldemort's 40-point fragnt were obvious, but Harry, Ron, Peter Pettigrew, and the car itself? No clue who was who. Little wizards' souls grow, and he hadn't seen Harry or Ron in a month.
Still, it proved the car had at least 10 soul strength. He'd have to ask Mr. Weasley what he'd done to it.
If magic could *make* souls, Cohen needed to speed up his own growth. McGonagall's transfigured souls were too flimsy—useless for boosting him now.
"A car flying in the sky," Luna said in her dreamy tone, peering where Cohen was looking. "Daddy was right—Hogwarts is full of fun stuff."
"Its Invisibility Booster's busted," Cohen said. "Tons of Muggles'll see it. Plus, London to Hogwarts is a haul for a car. We'll get there and watch it pull a 'Cute Starry Sky Crash.'"
"Hahahahahaha!"
Luna cracked up—hard. She clutched her chest, gasping between laughs.
"Too funny! A car! Cute Starry Sky Crash!"
Was this nutty girl always like this?
**(End of Chapter)**
Reviews
All reviews (0)