While walking with Nakamura dangling from my neck, I was lost in thought about what I'd done. Though I was still concerned about Sato, his condition could no longer distract from my feelings about becoming a murderer.
Looking back, I never once thought of myself as evil. Despite my issues, I always did my best to uphold the boundaries of the law and morality. I always helped people when I could in order to make up for my delinquency.
Still…staring at my bloodied hand, a thought I'd kept locked up broke free. 'Am I…the bad guy now?' my heart constricted tight, leaving lightheaded and woozy. The realization brought up many mories of my childhood. mories that primarily left grimacing with rage.
There were a few that brought joy, though. Or at least they did. But, now, I was ashad just picturing her visage. I felt I had no right to rely on her mory for emotional support after my sin.
'I'm sorry, mom. I... I've... I've beco a murderer,' I sniffled, holding back the flood of tears that threatened to overwhelm . I could only imagine how disappointed mom would've been in .
I must've been pretty obvious with my distress since Nakamura was staring at the whole ti.
"What do you want?" I grumbled and looked away toward the darkened tunnel walls to hide from him.
For a mont, he didn't respond at all. He only watched with an infuriating expression of pity. I opened my mouth, planning to tell him to mind his business, but he spoke first. "You know," he laughed, "contrary to what you've seen, I'm actually a pretty good doctor."
"Yeah, that's pretty 'contrary,'" I sneered.
He chuckled again. "Do you know how long I've been a doctor? It was so long ago that I'd first enrolled in dical school. But, despite that, I could still feel the passion that I had that day. I was ready to heal the world and all its suffering!"
'Is this guy bragging to ?!' the idea that he was spouting all of this off was maddeningly irritating, so much so that I was ready to knock his lights out.
I furrowed my brow and tightened my fist. "What are tal-"
"Being a surgeon," he interrupted and hardened his eyes, "you aren't just responsible for saving people. In so cases, you also beco the one that decides who lives and who dies. It's when too many needs saving that your ttle is tested to its very limits."
He took a hard swallow and stared at the passing dull granite floor beneath us. Like he'd been entranced by his past, I saw various emotions flicker through his eyes. Then, flinching, he tightened his grip, rembering that he needed to return to the present.
"Just as well," he continued, "there've been tis when I was forced to make those kinds of hard choices."
"Many tis, I decided to save the son over the mother. Tis when I saved the father over the bachelor and the younger sister over the older brother. Such are the sins of a surgeon..." As he continued, his voice steadily lost its stability. Every word uttered made it increasingly obvious that he'd been holding back his emotions with everything he could.
"That burden was always too heavy for to bear. Although I was proud to have preserved a life, I'd find myself depressed that I inadvertently caused the deaths of others. Of course, nurous people offered help in any way possible after the fact."
"But I was a fool. I hate to say that I declined every single one of them. I thought my sins ant I had to suffer alone. Ultimately, under the influence of what I'd done, I could feel my mind slipping away into places it should never have gone. I willingly walked the path of self-destruction under the pressure of ntal anguish that crushed daily."
He squeezed my shoulder with his unwavering gaze staring directly into my soul. "Please," he pleaded, "don't be foolish. You're too young to be burdened with such a thing. The weight of death is heavy because it isn't ant to be shouldered alone." His expression morphed into that of nearly begging, leaving with moderate discomfort.
I hated sappy monts like this. Maybe I didn't like the idea of others caring for my well-being; it was too abnormal for . Even so, I knew that I shouldn't take his words lightly. So I answered sincerely, in my own way.
"How could I shoulder it alone?" I grumbled. "It's already too crowded with you leaning on anyway."
He smiled and nodded, softening his pained expression to that of enormous relief. "Good... I'm glad to hear it," he genuinely smiled. Then, our "heart-to-heart" now over, he shifted his focus to the dark halls ahead.
Hearing that I had soone to relate to... to rely on, I could feel the pressure on my conscience being lightened, albeit very slightly. I was relieved I would be alone in dealing with what I'd done.
"Ah, you're smiling like a normal person!" Agawa exclaid, pointing at . "Normally, you're all crazy when you do that!"
"I'm not!" I furiously rubbed my arm to my face, trying to correct whatever expression I had. "And mind your business!" I snapped back.
But Agawa didn't let up. Instead, she resorted to teasing about what she'd seen for the rest of the way. I thought about inflicting a slight amnesia on her, but I was too busy lugging Nakamura around.
My only hope was that we'd discover the exit soti soon and forget my mistake as soon as possible. As it turned out, my escape was nearby, taking only a few more minutes of wandering before we discovered it.
After indulging in all that disturbing sentintalism, I was excited to break down the door. But my enthusiasm was quickly dampened when I noticed it was already flung wide open, revealing the town ahead. It was bathed in the eerie glow of the night sky.
'Looks like so of the lemmings actually made it this far,' I thought with a sharp grin.
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