Chapter Forty-Six: Side Chapter: Past Life
Hello everyone, good morning, good afternoon, good evening.
I am An Ran. (smiles)
Apologies, perhaps my opening line is a little tacky, but please forgive my rigidness and boringness, just because, as soone who is about to lose their life, I really don’t have the pleasure to co up with sothing that starts off with a beautiful bang.
I just want to quietly, dully, narrate my life, regardless of the happiness, anger, sorrow, joy.
The friends that are willing to listen may brew a cup of hot tea, slowly feel the warmth that the tea brings to you, then, quietly listen to the story that belongs to .
Let us start now then.
I already said I’m called An Ran, twenty-six years old this year, is the general manager’s secretary of a global car company, personality is the sa as the majority of twenty-six year old won, I have an ordinary family, also have a boyfriend of three years.
I shall talk about my family first.
My family is classed as the very common fairly well-off, my parents have a pair of daughters, and my sister, who is a year younger than .
From my mory of childhood, our family was not very wealthy, my parents had worked all year round, hence having no ti to take care of , the daughter that was born against their plans. They would entrust to my grandparents’ place to be looked after, and I would spend the entire day playing on the erald green grass or small countryside roads with children from the countryside. Amongst the group of children, I was considered a little boss, leading them to naughtily cause mischief, one bad mood and I would order people around –– look at this, such a little bully.
The above have brought mories full of laughter and cheers from acting recklessly.
This is the most pure, most valuable, childhood in my life, just that one cannot return to those tis after it had past, taking away those blissful laughter and innocence, only leaving the vague feeling of lancholy when I occasionally recall those tis.
The amount of tis I saw my parents in childhood, is not much, every year, would pretty much only et once at new year. I would always hide behind the elders as I secretly eye up those two unfamiliar, yet familiar adults, and then timidly smile at them. I would also see that sister of mine that’s a year younger, unlike my tanned skin and stubborn monkey-like personality, she had a fair white face and a quiet personality, my buddies would always say she’s an angel ––– that’s right, in my eyes, she is an angel.
At the age of seven, I left Grandma’s place and headed to the city, living together with Dad, Mum, and also Sister, and in the following days, I feel like I’m a pitiful child, extrely lonely.
My dad like to hold Sister on his lap and listen to her act spoilt, listen to her soft voice tell him the interesting matters that happened in school, listen to her furrow her brows and express her anger at him.
–––but he would never hold , would never say more than five sentences to .
My mum likes to nag at Sister, clear pampering carried within her tone of lecturing, lightly patting her little hand and say: “Be like that again next ti and I’ll throw you away!”
–––but she would never tenderly ‘lecture’ like that, she would only furrow her brows in disgust when I accidentally break sothing, and then bla my grandmother.
I don’t like such a life, really don’t like it.
I started rebelling, started to also look at them with disgust, started to learn to not speak a single word to them for a month, back then, I felt I was so strong ––– look, even without your doting love, I am also very strong.
The only one who was on good terms with at ho is Sister, she would sweetly smile at , would occasionally argue with , would sleep under the sa blanket with , she is the consolation to my heart, even though I would sotis angrily think, why are they only nice to her?
I can be jealous, can be unsettled, can be angry, I am only a normal person.
During the long-term war with my parents, I had unknowingly grown up, raised to junior high, passed the high school exam, went to university. Amongst this, I went through many different experiences, regarding love, friendship, and discouraging family relations.
I fell down many tis, climbed back up many tis, then continued to fall and climb up again ––– life is just like this, a repetitive cycle of failure and success.
I left ho and started working, only going back to see them once every few years, then one particular ti, I see my parents’ exhausted faces after two years, I suddenly realise I have grown up.
I’ve grown up, I would take a good look at their gradually aging faces, would feel pained by the sight of their whitening hair, would feel warmth from the happy smile they reveal, would try to slowly forget the unpleasant past……
My interaction with them gradually increases, they still dote on Sister much more, would reveal the tone and behaviour from back then when I stay a little longer, but I think to myself, this isn’t important, I think to myself, I’ve already grown up, I understand they love too, just that they don’t love as much.
I care about the occasional warmth, I’m very satisfied, because this is my family.
Sister has also grown up, a tall figure and beautiful face, as well as a reserved personality. Sister would reveal the mischievous side of hers that no one else sees in front of , I feel very proud. This is my younger sister, the closest of relations flows in our blood.
We are sisters, sisters that had made an oath to continue loving one another to the end.
Alright, already finished talking about my family now, the following will be about my love life.
During my ti of budding youth, I of course had romantic affection towards boys, also went through short periods of dating. Thinking back to it now, it seems that I was dating in order to not be single, dating in order to tell others I have a boyfriend, the love back then was so shallow and unreal, causing to beco hesitant to date later on ––– I find it very uninteresting, very boring, very aningless.
But at the age of twenty-three, I still took a step forward, I fell in love with my boss.
That’s right, my boyfriend is the manager, I am his secretary. After a year of interaction, the manager and manager’s secretary that has the highest level of romantic ambiguity had also set foot on the most common path ––– the hare eats the grass around its burrow, and then under everyone’s optimistic or not-so-optimistic eyes, they happily start dating, until the third year.
That year’s early spring is still ever so comfortable and pleasant, we t one another’s parents and decided to get married on May Day, we were preparing to establish a perfect ho and then give birth to an adorable baby for accompanint, just that life had already beco a drama, happiness cannot belong to , it will always be an illusion of mine.
I had once again fainted.
Fainted whilst taking beautiful wedding pictures, I originally thought it was just fainting from exhaustion, but after a health check, I received a news that ca like a thunderbolt.
The doctor says, it’s blood cancer.
Ha, that’s absurd, what did he say? Blood cancer? Cancer? How funny, such terminal illness that has nothing to do with normal people within their eight lifetis, how did it co out in ? Please do not joke around with !
But what does his words an? He said this is a terminal illness, he said this is already the advanced stage of cancer, he lectures on why I haven’t been paying attention to my own body, he says the young people nowadays has no health awareness.
He said, should you not receive treatnt, your days……will only last half a year.
But Doctor, I really want to ask you, by accepting the treatnt, how much longer do I get?
I’m only twenty-six years old, I’m preparing to marry my boyfriend, I had just started planning for a baby, I’m about to start a happy life of this lifeti……
I just want to live on happily, can I……not even have this?
I start to fear, manic and afraid of death, my parents’ faces of sorrow and despair, An Qing’s swelled up eyes, the look of denial carried in the pitying eyes of Yan You’s parents……
I would uncontrollably grab onto Yan You’s arms and cry endlessly, mouth repeating: Yan You, I don’t want to die.
Yan You did not give up the like this, he would gently caress my face, would firmly tell : wait until you get better, and we will get married.
I receive energy from this mont, at least I still have him. My lover said: he would wait for to get better and then get married.
And so, I agreed to accept treatnt, leaving the black long hair that had once co down to my waist, to fall off, leaving myself to quickly beco pale and thin, leaving myself to beco a humble patient struggling for life in the hospital room. A very subtle light is flashing within , I think to myself, perhaps the heavens will give a miracle, I would continue to live on healthily, for those that love .
But which one of them will tell , exactly who truly loves ?
Who?
Even if……there’s just one.
That day, I was lying in bed, quietly reading a book, the nurse making rounds, casually asks with a smile: “An Ran, does your sister have boyfriend now?”
I raise my head from the book, An Qing has a boyfriend? I’ve never heard her ntion this ah. Or is she no longer talking to about her troubles because I’ve been lying in the sickbed for four months? I also smile as I say: “Is that so ah, how do you know?”
“I just ran into your sister at the Departnt of Obstetrics and Gynaecology, I casually asked the obstetrics and gynaecology doctor, the doctor said your sister is already two months pregnant, congrats, congrats ah.”
Pregnant? An Qing is two months pregnant?
“En, will have to treat you to wedding candy when the ti cos.” I say without a change of expression, in fact, huge waves had already set off in my heart.
A lot of emotions rolling around in my heart, anger, impatience, fluster and pain. Why would An Qing be pregnant? Has she told Mum and Dad she’s dating soone? What kind of a person is her boyfriend? Would he treat her well in future?
I fretfully throw the book to a side, I’ll have to ask An Qing when she cos, exactly what is going on here?!
After I see An Qing, I don’t hold back at all in asking about my doubts, An Qing is shocked at first, then saddens, after that, she kneels down before .
“An Ran, I’m pregnant, I, I really love this child, I also love its father, An Ran, I will give birth to it.”
“What about the child’s father then, what is he prepared to do?” I calmly ask.
“He?” An Qing’s expression is thoroughly at a loss, yet after a mont, she firmly says: “He will marry .”
I look at the sister who has always been incredibly close to since young, asking with complicated emotions: “Does he love you?”
Dejection flashes past An Qing’s face, “Love? Perhaps not. But An Ran, I have a lot of ti with him, I would make him slowly fall in love with .” Her eyes contains tears as she looks at and asks: “He will love , isn’t that right? An Ran, I love him so much, we will be together for a long long ti, we will beco husband and wife, we would accompany each other till old……”
I don’t know why I feel so pained, reaching out to embrace her, saying: “That’s right ah, he will love you, An Qing is such a lovable brat, will be very happy, very happy.”
An Qing hugs back, very tightly, tight to the point my heart was starting to hurt.
I thought that was because our sisterly love runs deep.
My days in the hospital continues, by my side I have Yan You, have An Qing, have Mum and Dad, have what I myself, thought was doting love. If that day, An Qing didn’t tell the truth, if, if……
In this world, where are there so many ifs.
At that ti, my vision had already started to blur, I was incapable of clearly seeing the slight interactions between people, I was just like a blind person with open eyes, watching the lively lovers escape from right under my eyes.
That day, there was a nice breeze and beautiful sunshine, the doctor tells , my health has been taking a turn for the good recently, should this continue, the situation would make a great turn for the better.
That day, there was no cloud in sight, my only sister – An Qing – kneels before and word by word says: “An Ran, Mum and Dad told not to tell you, but I still decided to tell you. I’ll be getting married tomorrow, to Yan You.”
“An Ran, Yan You and I are together.”
“The matter between him and I……perhaps you can guess, he got drunk, mistaking for you, and then I got pregnant……”
“An Ran, I don’t expect to receive your blessing, I just want to tell you, you are my older sister, I love you.”
I rember fiercely slapping her, gritting my teeth as I say: “Get lost.”
I watch her back figure, feeling like my heart had been pierced by a knife, flesh and blood badly mutilated.
I wanted to ask why, but the words wouldn’t co out.
Alright, with the above, my story has co to an end.
Thank you all for listening to , right now, I am on my way to their wedding, I took advantage of the mont the nurses weren’t paying attention to slip out, I want to go and see the wedding I dreamt of, even if the bride isn’t .
I already changed out of my patient outfit, sneakily moving along amongst the guests, hiding in the shadows as I watch the elated parents from both sides, watch the slightly gloomy groom and bashful bride.
I watch the host bring laughter with eloquence, watch the onlookers congratulate and applaud, watch the new couple accept other people’s blessings.
I watch them take out the rings, vowing to one another:
“I do.”
My mouth is filled with the strong taste of blood, I want nothing more than to dig my nails deeply into my own flesh, how could I possibly give my blessing, I hate them so much, hate the people I had once thought loved .
Amongst the liveliness, I seem to hear the sound of broken strings, so clear, so cutting.
I have stood for far too long, too tired to stand anymore.
I hear the guests crying out “soone fainted”, I see everyone’s line of sight gather on , I see An Qing and my parents’ surprised and fearful expression, I see heart-piercing pain on Yan You’s handso and reserved face……
I think my tears are falling.
I’m in so much pain.
But I know I will no longer be in pain anymore.
I will no longer be An Ran, never ever will be again, nor am I willing to be.
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