I break.
Sitting in a void. Staring at my hands. The hands that could not save my wife, my child. She was right. I wasn’t strong enough to bear the truth of her second sacrifice. Eo could have lived. Eo could have given us the child we always wanted. But she thought that future wasn’t worth her silence. I wasn’t worth it.…
I feel sothing deep in my chest, a hollow cold ache. Like blackness has opened in the pit of my soul even as my body tightens and coils around grief. I weigh a million pounds. Shoulders slump. Chest compresses. My fingers clutch together. Funny to think these hands have been with this whole ti. They touched her lips. They helped pull her ankles. They buried her in the soil. But they didn’t just bury her, did they?
No. They buried another life. One unborn. Our child, dead before it lived. And I never even knew. I mourned without knowing the greatest injustice. I failed them both. The amplified video replays again.
“I am with child,” she tells Dio on the scaffold. “I am with child.”
I replay it a dozen tis, feeling myself shrink into a corridor of grief.
The Golds didn’t just kill her. They killed what I’ve always wanted to be—a husband and a father. If only I had stopped her. If only I had not pouted like a child when we lost the Laurel, she wouldn’t have thought to take to the garden. If only I had the strength to pretend losing the Laurel didn’t bother .
All the family I could have had. A wife. Sons. Daughters. Grandchildren. They’ve been slaughtered before they ever were. Eo will never hold our daughter. She will never kiss our son to sleep and smile over at as his little hands clutch my finger. I’m all that’s left of that family that could have been. A dark shadow of the man I was ant to be.
The rage rises. We had a chance, and it is gone. Everything I wanted is gone, because of and because of them . Their laws. Their injustice. Their cruelty. They made a woman choose death for her and her unborn child over a life of slavery. All that for power. All that so they can keep their perfect little world.
“You were not strong enough then,” Harmony says. “Are you strong enough now, Helldiver?” I look at her, tears blurring my sight. Her hard eyes soften for . “I had children, once. Radiation ate their insides, and they didn’t even give them pain ds. Didn’t even fix the leak. Said there weren’t enough resources. My husband just sat there and watched them die. In the end, the sa thing took him. He was a good man. But good n die. To free them, to protect them, we must be savages. So give evil. Give darkness. Make the bloodydamn devil if we can bring even the faintest ray of light.”
I stand and wrap my arms around her as I’m reminded of the true horrors our kind face. Had I really forgotten? I am a child of hell, and I’ve spent too long in their heaven.
“Whatever Ares wants, I’ll do it.”
“Pliny sent the bitch,” the Jackal hisses as the Yellow physicians slowly remove the burned skin from his arm and reapply new growth cultures. “It wasn’t Sons of Ares. They wouldn’t kill that many lowColors. It’s against profile. Pliny probably. Or the Sovereign’s Praetorians using cover.”
The lights of passing ships glow through the glass. He curses and shouts at his servants to black out the windows. Grays brought here to his private skyscraper instead of the Citadel, as I requested. The place crawls with rcenaries. He prefers Grays to Obsidians, except apparently that Stained. I’m the only other Gold, which shows the extent of the Jackal’s trust. His na would certainly bring enough hangers-on to fill a city, but he’s comfortable in his isolation. Like .
“Could it have been Victra?” I ask. “She didn’t stay.…”
“She’s already proven her loyalty. She wouldn’t use a bomb. And she’s in love with you. It wasn’t her.”
“In love with ?” I ask, startled.
“You’re blind as a Blue.” He snorts but says no more about it. “Our alliance must remain a secret until we’re off this damn moon, which ans you were not in that tavern. If Pliny knew the extent of our plans, he would have been more thorough. I believe he was only targeting . So you will return to the Citadel. Pretend as if nothing has happened. I will continue my plan with the syndicate lords, then purchase your contract at the end of the Summit.”
At which point, their world will change.
I turn to leave him, but his voice arrests at the door. “You saved my life. Only one other person has ever done that. Thank you, Darrow.”
“Tell your new skin to grow faster. You won’t want to miss the closing gala.”
The next three days pass in a haze, my mind on Eo and what we lost. I cannot find escape from the grief. It plagues even as I work myself to death in the estate’s gymnasium. I do not indulge in small talk. I pull back from my friends. None of this matters. Not to . Life fades in the presence of pain. Theodora notices, and tries her best to relieve my dourness, even suggesting I distract myself with Roses from the Citadel’s Garden.
“Better you, dominus , than so rough man from the Gas Giants,” she says.
News of the bombings sweeps through the Citadel, dominating the news. The Society plays it well—broadcasting their aid relief. Sending out instructions on how to handle a potential crisis. Yellow psychologists analyze Ares on-screen, conclude that a latent sexual trauma in his youth makes him lash out to seize control of his world again. Violet actors and entertainers raise money for those families who have lost loved ones. Quicksilver himself volunteers three percent of his personal fortune to relief efforts. Obsidian and Gray commandos attack asteroid bases where Sons of Ares “train.” Gray antiterrorist agents hold press conferences saying they have apprehended those responsible, likely so Reds they pulled out of a mine or Luna’s slums.
It’s a farce and the Golds play it so well. They hide from the caras and make this seem a fight of all the Colors against Red terrorists. This is not Gold’s fight. It belongs to all of Society. Moreover, Society is winning because our sacrifice and obedience allow the righteous to prosper. Bloodydamn horseshit.
Yet still, bla must be placed. So the ArchGovernor is pulled away to face inquiries regarding his handling of the situation. How have the Sons spread from Mars to Luna? they will ask. The Gold hornets’ nest has been stirred, as I said it would be, but still the gala continues. I watch the Golds play their gas of intrigue, diplomacy, spiriting off to galas and conferences and summits, untouched by the dirty gas with terrorists. They are protected, shielded from horror.
It would bother , but they are shadows to now. As though they’ve already fallen into so distant mory.
I touch the bomb on my chest in regret. It is of Mickey’s make. A copy of the pegasus I wore at the Institute, which contained Eo’s hair and now lies secreted away with my other personal effects. All I need do is twist its head and it becos the bomb. The ring they gave will activate it.
I draw away from friends, from Victra. She’s asked Roque what is wrong with . I know he will answer that I’m like the wind, a creature of vagary and moods. Or sothing like that. He draws closer to , visiting my rooms when I’ve gone to bed, attempting to spar with in the gymnasium. But I cannot smile with him or listen to his soft voice read poems or discuss philosophy or even share jokes. I can’t let myself feel for him, because I know he will soon be dead. I try to kill him in my heart before I kill him in the flesh.
Can I add him to the list of those I’ve already sent to the grave?
I finally find my answer the night of the gala, when Theodora brings my pressed clothing from the laundry. She doesn’t say anything that reminds of Roque. Doesn’t offer pithy wisdom. Instead, she does sothing I’ve never seen from her. She makes a mistake. While setting my uniform down on a chair, she knocks over a glass of wine on a nearby table. The wine splashes over the sleeve of my white uniform. What flashes through her eyes chills —terror. The sort a deer might have when staring at an oncoming aircar. She streams out apologies as though I would hit her if she did not. It takes her a mont to compose herself, for the flash of panic to dissipate. When it does, she sits there on the floor, dabbing at the uniform in silence.
I don’t know what to do. I stand there awkwardly for a mont before putting a hand on her shoulder to tell her all’s well. That’s when she begins to cry in great heaving sobs that rack her small shoulders. She flinches from my touch and composes herself, telling I’ll have to wear black instead of white. She may not know what is about to happen, but she can feel it in , in the air.
While the other lancers play with one another, take microabrasion baths, and consult with stylists to prepare themselves for the gala, I lace up my thick military boots with trembling fingers. I’ve never been good at saving my friends. It seems I always drag them into harm’s way. Sevro, I believe, is still alive only because of the distance between us. Fitchner was always afraid I’d kill his son. Said my life’s strand was so strong that it frayed all those around it. Now, seeing Theodora like that … it reminds how fragile and complicated we really are. I don’t know why she cried. So past trauma? So sense of what’s to co? Not knowing reminds of the depth to the people around . I am speechless, cold, but Roque is warm … he would have known what to say.
I knock on his door several minutes before Augustus’s entourage is set to depart the villa for the gala. There is no answer. I open the door and find my friend sitting on his bed, holding an ancient book gently by its spine. His smooth features ripple into a smile when he sees it is .
“I thought you were Tactus co to beg to shoot so stims before the gala. He always thinks because I’m reading, I’m not doing anything. There is no greater plague to an introvert than the extroverted. Especially that beast. He will run himself into the ground one of these days.”
I force a chuckle. “At least he’s sincere about his vices.”
“Have you t his brothers yet?” Roque asks. I shake my head. “They make Tactus look like a lamb.”
“Goryhell,” I swear. I lean against the door’s fra. “That bad?”
“The brothers Rath? They are terrible. Terribly rich. Terribly talented. And their chief virtue lies in their ability to sin. They’re prodigies at it.” Roque grins conspiratorially. “If you believe rumors—and I love rumors, remind of Byron and Wilde—Tactus’s brothers opened a brothel in Agea when they were fourteen. Classy affair till they started arranging more … customized experiences.”
“Then what happened?”
“Ruined daughters, sons. Insults. Duels. Dead heirs. Debt. Poison.” He shrugs. “It’s the Rath family. What do you expect from those blackguards? It’s why everyone was so surprised Tactus had taken up with an Iron Gold like you,” he clarifies. “You know his brothers mock him for being in your shadow. It’s why he’s always so sarcastic. He wants to be like you, but he can’t. So he resorts to his usual defenses.” He frowns. “Sotis I feel like you understand all of us better than we understand ourselves. Then other tis, it’s like you couldn’t care less.” Roque tilts his head at when I say nothing. “What is it?”
“Nothing.”
“You’re never one for nothing.” He sets his book down on his chest and pats the edge of the bed, drawing into the room. “Sit, please.”
“I ca because I wanted to apologize,” I say very slowly, sitting on the edge of the bed. “I’ve been distant these last months, particularly these last days. I don’t think I was fair to you. Not when you’ve been my most loyal friend. Well, you and Sevro, but he won’t stop sending strange pictures over the net.”
“More unicorns?”
I laugh. “I think he has a problem.”
Roque pats my hand. “Thank you. But you’re like a hound apologizing for wagging its tail. You’re always distant, Darrow. You don’t have to apologize for how you are, not to .”
“More distant, perhaps?”
“Perhaps,” he agrees, allowing it. “We all have our own tides inside. They go in. Out.” He shrugs. “Not really ours to control. The things, people, that orbit us do that, at least more than we’d like to admit.” After watching a mont, he furrows his brow in thought. “Is this about Mustang? I know it was hard for you to leave her, no matter what you said at the ti. You should seek her out while we’re here. I know you miss her. Admit it.”
“I don’t.”
“Liar, liar, cheeks afire.”
“I’ve told you a hundred tis, we’re not talking about her.”
“Fine. Fine. Then you’re worried, aren’t you? About the auction?” He pauses, smiling and watching . “You shouldn’t. I’ve settled that matter. I’m going to bid on you.”
“Roque, you don’t have the money.”
“Do you know how badly a Pixie would pay to get a Peerless with my pedigree and connections in their debt? Millions. I could even go to Quicksilver if I need. He loans to Golds all the ti. Point is, I’ll have the money, even if my parents won’t help . So never you worry, brother.” He pokes with his foot. “House Mars has to an sothing, eh?”
“Thank you,” I say, stuttering out the words, unable to really grasp what he’s done. And why? It puts his neck out. It endangers him and crosses his parents. “No one else has even ntioned the auction to .”
“They’re afraid your bad luck is contagious. You know how it is.” He pauses, waiting because he knows so well. “There’s sothing else. Isn’t there?”
I shake my head. “Do you …” My words fail . “Do you ever feel lost?” The question hangs between us, intimate, awkward only on my end. He doesn’t scoff as Tactus and Fitchner would, or scratch his balls like Sevro, or chuckle like Cassius might have, or purr as Victra would. I’m not sure what Mustang might have done. But Roque, despite his Color and all the things that make him different, slowly slides a marker into the book and sets it on the nightstand beside the four-poster, taking his ti and allowing an answer to evolve between us. Movents thoughtful and organic, like Dancer’s were before he died. There’s a stillness in him, vast and majestic, the sa stillness I rember in my father.
“Quinn once told a story.” He waits for to moan a grievance at the ntion of a story, and when I don’t, his tone sinks into deeper gravity. “Once, in the days of Old Earth, there were two pigeons who were greatly in love. In those days, they raised such animals to carry ssages across great distances. These two were born in the sa cage, raised by the sa man, and sold on the sa day to different n on the eve of a great war.
“The pigeons suffered apart from each other, each incomplete without their lover. Far and wide their masters took them, and the pigeons feared they would never again find each other, for they began to see how vast the world was, and how terrible the things in it. For months and months, they carried ssages for their masters, flying over battle lines, through the air over n who killed one another for land. When the war ended, the pigeons were set free by their masters. But neither knew where to go, neither knew what to do, so each flew ho. And there they found each other again, as they were always destined to return ho and find, instead of the past, their future.”
He folds his hands gently, a teacher arriving at his point. “So do I feel lost? Always. When Lea died at the Institute …” His lips slip gently downward. “… I was in a dark woods, blind and lost as Dante before Virgil. But Quinn helped . Her voice calling out of misery. She beca my ho. As she puts it, ‘Ho isn’t where you’re from, it’s where you find light when all grows dark.’ ” He grasps the top of my hand. “Find your ho, Darrow. It may not be in the past. But find it, and you’ll never be lost again.”
I’ve always thought of Lykos as my ho. Of Eo as my ho. Perhaps that’s where I’m going now. To see her. To die and find ho again in the Vale with my wife. But if that’s true, why am I not full? Why does the hollowness grow inside the closer I draw to her?
“It’s ti to go,” I say, rising from the bed.
“As sure as I am your friend”—Roque begins to rise as well—“you will recover from this. We are not our station in life. We are us—the sum of what we’ve done, what we want to do, and the people who we keep close. You’re my dearest friend, Darrow. Mind that. No matter what transpires, I will protect you as surely as you would protect if ever I needed it.”
I surprise him by clasping his hand and holding it for a mont.
“You’re a good man, Roque. Far too good for your Color.”
“Thank you.” He squints at as I release his hand and he straightens the wrinkles in his uniform. “But whatever do you an by that?”
“I think we could have been brothers,” I say. “Were this a different life.”
“Why do we need another life?” Then he sees the automatic syringe in my left hand. His hands are too slow to stop , but his eyes are quick enough to widen in trusting fear, like a loyal dog’s as he’s put slowly to sleep in its master’s lap. He doesn’t understand, but he knows there’s a reason, yet still cos the fear, the betrayal that breaks my heart into a thousand pieces.
The syringe pierces Roque’s neck and he sinks slowly down onto the bed, eyes drifting closed. When he wakes, everyone he has worked with and for over these past two years will be dead. He will rember what I did to him after he said I was his closest friend. He will know that I knew what was going to happen at the gala. And even if I don’t die tonight, even if they do not discover I was the bomber by other rits, saving Roque’s life ans I will be found out. There is no going back.
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