"What makes you think that everyone else is a kind person?" Mu Yan looked at Xiao Yan strangely.
"We're all on the frontline and a lot of soldiers didn't co here for pure reason to protect their holands. Many of them are here for the money and the glory. Do you really think of them as good people?"
Xiao Yan shook his head. "I'm not talking about this matter."
"Then...?"
"What do you feel when you kill people?"
Mu Yan was stunned.
She was not a soldier nor did she learn enough martial arts to kill people. But Mu Yan had learned self protection.
Because she had to do various works outside.
There were tis when she also t with so unkind people and Mu Yan had to protect herself.
At that ti, Mu Yan naturally would fight back.
And her skills were good enough for Nan Hua to be reassured to bring Mu Yan to the frontline. Even if Mu Yan would not be like Chu Yue who could fight on the frontline and beco a soldier if she truly wanted to, but she would not die so easily here.
If it was necessary, Mu Yan could also kill people.
"Now or the first ti?" Mu Yan asked.
"Is it different?"
"Yes." Mu Yan looked at the sky above. She could rember the day when she first killed soone, a mory that was hard to fade away from her mind. "The first ti, I feel fear and disgust but also so kind of satisfaction deep inside. Because I survived and this bad person died instead of ."
"Later on, I feel... nothing."
Even if Mu Yan had killed a few people afterwards, she didn't feel anything much. She didn't know if it was numbness or just because she was insensitive, but Mu Yan didn't have much thoughts about it.
As the number of people who died in her hands increased, Mu Yan still felt nothing.
All she knew was that she had killed people again.
And that's all.
Xiao Yan looked at Mu Yan and blinked his eyes. He chuckled in a low voice.
"I'm used to see people being beaten up every single day ever since I was young. My father was a drunkard. He liked drinking so much that he fell into debt and they chased him over. When he's angry and annoyed, it's who's being beaten up because I'm a boy."
His mother was scared and always hid away while his sister was too young to know anything. Whenever it happened, she was sleeping in the deepest room in their house, not knowing what happened outside. Xiao Yan would try his best not to scream and startled his sister as he didn't want her to know about his predicant.
After he had finished drinking, he would beco the proper man once again.
But when the night co, he would co out and find so drinks to drink again and again. Xiao Yan hated that man.
He also hated his mother who was cowardly and pushed him forward to take the beating while she hid away.
Whenever the beating was done, she would apologize to him but never truly looked at him in the eyes.
He knew.
She's not guilty at all.
Perhaps, her intention of having a child was so that they could take the beating from his father.
"The first ti I killed soone, it's the first person whom our parents want to sell and my sister to," Xiao Yan continued, his tone was monotonous. "They co and offered a lot of money to marry off my sister. She's not even 5 years old at that ti, but my parents agreed."
Mu Yan listened to this and her fingers clenched to form a fist.
She knew that Xiao Yan and Xiao Yun has been with the Nan Family for a long ti, but she never knew that their past was actually that miserable. This made Mu Yan felt that it was truly their luck to be able to get out of that hell hole.
"I sneaked out and killed that man before he could get far away. When I return with a bloodied knife, my father and mother are both scared of ." Xiao Yan showed a bitter smile.
The parents are scared of their own children?
This was the first ti Xiao Yan had ever heard sothing like that and it happened to him. The two people were looking at him with fear in their eyes and since then, the conflicts between them was basically irreconcilable.
"Later on, we're sold to the Nan Family along with many other children. I was assigned to Young Master and Xiao Yun was assigned to Young Miss after so ti, and you know what happened afterwards," Xiao Yan said and then looked at Mu Yan. "I don't want her to know and she didn't need to know all of this. For , it's better for her to live safely far away from and didn't involve herself with ."
Rather than making Xiao Yun felt burdened because of what Xiao Yan had done, Xiao Yan would rather never told her anything about this.
There was truly no need for her to know.
What good would there be for her to know?
She would only feel sad.
Mu Yan looked at Xiao Yan and slowly raised her hands and held Xiao Yan's cheek. "If you want to cry, you can. You know, you look like you're in pain."
Is he?
Xiao Yan only smiled faintly and raised his hand, silently patted Mu Yan's hand on his cheek.
Is he in pain?
He didn't even know it himself.
Because he didn't feel anything anymore from his past.
It has been such a long ti that the mory was blurry and only the facts remained in his
mory.
"Thank you," thank you for your kind words, but I don't need it.
Mu Yan shook her head and silently retracted her hand back. "You're not the best person, but you're also a human being. Be kinder to yourself."
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