Kang Suhyeon ultimately couldn’t overco his fear and bolted the mont he got out of the taxi. He said he’d go back to school and sleep in a friend’s room. If I were his friend, I’d never answer his calls again. I shook my head briefly.
anwhile, Go Yohan had no trouble getting out of the taxi but couldn’t bring himself to go inside. He clung to my back, hugging , pulling , shoving into his arms. When I pushed him away in resistance, he sulked and leaned against the pillar at the apartnt entrance.
"You’re really going to be like this?" I asked.
Go Yohan tilted his head against the wall and laughed.
I gave up and sat on the stairs to wait. He trotted over lightly and sat down next to . A faint breeze stirred. Then, a small head rested on my shoulder.
"…Go Yohan."
"…"
"When exactly are you planning to get up?"
The weather was strangely nice today. The only thing ruining it was Go Yohan being drunk.
We sat there on the stairs leading into the apartnt, spending ti together. Or rather, I was the only one actually waiting.
The early morning wind blew. Go Yohan’s fine strands of hair brushed against my neck and cheek, tickling . Through the fluttering strands, I could see his long eyelashes slowly blinking.
Ah, he’s awake.
"…Did that bastard leave?"
That’s the first thing he says after waking up? I frowned.
"He ran the mont he got out of the taxi. And what the hell is wrong with you? Why’d you beat the kid up like that?"
"Acting all high and mighty when he’s got a damn C-? That asshole."
"Can you try talking like a normal person for once? And yeah, fine, I did ghost the group project."
"Just because you weren’t there, the grade dropped that much… No, wait. What about Ahn Jisoo? What the hell was he doing?"
"Him? He dropped out."
"Shit, I should’ve killed him too."
"You can’t. He’s in the military."
"Goddamn."
A chuckle brushed against my skin.
"You enjoying yourself?"
"It’s funny."
"Yeah, well, must be nice for you, not having to serve."
"What?"
Go Yohan’s faint laughter abruptly stopped.
"Why’d you say it like that?"
His light, wispy hair gently lifted from my cheek. Straightening his back, he raised his head, his face suddenly serious.
"You’re enlisting?"
No, I probably won’t. I’m expecting a level five dical exemption. I could’ve just told him that.
But an annoying thought sprouted in my head—payback for all the trouble he caused while drunk. And right then, of all monts, a playful mood took over .
"Of course I am. Unlike you, I’m actually Korean."
"…Seriously?"
"Of course, seriously."
He had been all smug, dragging into his arms without giving a mont to breathe, but suddenly, his expression turned deadly serious. His face changed so fast I almost laughed out loud. I barely managed to cover my mouth with the back of my hand.
Before I could even process what was happening, long fingers reached up. Oh. He gently grabbed my wrist, lowering the hand covering my face.
"No. Don’t go."
That was it? The thing Go Yohan got all serious about was going to the military? It was so childish and ridiculous that I was stunned. At the sa ti, the urge to tease him surged uncontrollably.
Wait, do I have so sadistic tendencies?
"I can’t just refuse to go. Unlike you, I don’t have foreign citizenship."
"Can’t you ask your parents?"
"Ask them what? To keep from serving? Are you out of your mind?"
But the more I teased, the stranger I felt inside. A weird tingling sensation crawled up from my chest, like I wanted to scratch at the center of my heart with my own hands.
It felt like thousands of ants were crawling through my veins. My face heated up along with it. I lightly pushed Go Yohan away and got to my feet.
"You’re sober now. Go ho."
"Jun-ah."
"Ugh, what now?"
"Co to the U.S. and marry ."
…What?
Is this really sothing to say while looking up at from the stairs? He must be out of his goddamn mind.
"Are you insane? What, you want to marry just to dodge military service?!"
"You can just disappear there. I’ll give you citizenship. Co on, don’t enlist. Okay?"
"Oh, shut up! I said I won’t go! So just stop talking already!"
"Really? You promise? You’re not going, right?"
"Yeah! I’m not going!"
I shot to my feet, spun around, and bolted inside.
What the hell. What the actual hell.
My brain was spinning from how suddenly he’d thrown that at .
On instinct, I looked up at the mirror near the elevator.
There, staring back at , was Kang Jun, blushing furiously like he was about to explode.
"Shit… I’ve actually lost my damn mind."
Before Go Yohan could catch up, I smacked my cheek with my palm. Hard.
Go Yohan, who had followed , eyed up and down, looking a little dumbfounded.
"What are you doing?"
"Trying to sober up."
I lied smoothly, casually shifting my gaze away.
Sober up my ass. I hadn’t even touched alcohol tonight.
The only thing I’ve gotten better at from hanging around him is lying.
The elevator numbers kept decreasing.
Ahem.
Next to , Go Yohan cleared his throat.
"…"
"…"
The two of us were locked in so invisible tug-of-war. At least, that’s how it felt to .
The tension I sensed made unconsciously tense up. I tried to distract myself by thinking of sothing completely random.
This new apartnt is a 48-pyeong mixed-use complex. The elevator here is fast.
It’s a rental, right? Yeah, definitely a rental.
There’s no reason for my parents to buy a newly built apartnt in a bad neighborhood.
That’s just how university areas work—noisy, filled with bars…
It’s kind of ironic, how a place supposedly at the pinnacle of knowledge is surrounded by bars, karaoke rooms, and brothels.
So much for academia.
Sothing moved beside .
Go Yohan, probably.
He deliberately stood to my right.
A faint reflection of his figure appeared on the silver elevator doors.
His distorted silhouette, reflected in the uneven surface, slowly turned toward .
His hand reached up.
"It must hurt."
A hand, large enough to cover my entire face, gently pressed against the cheek I had just slapped.
"…"
"Next ti, don’t hit your face."
"My choice."
"Don’t. It hurts the heart of a devoted believer."
"For fuck’s sake… are you really going to keep saying that?"
"Why? Are you embarrassed?"
Of course, I was. What kind of question is that? I turned my head, fully intending to shoot him a glare loaded with I want to die from secondhand embarrassnt, but Go Yohan was staring straight ahead, never eting my gaze. And yet, his hand remained on my face.
"Good. That was the point."
"…I have nothing to say to that."
"It’s not like I could say I love you instead."
I froze solid.
Ding—.
The elevator arrived.
The hand that had been idly pressing into my cheek finally pulled away. He stuffed it into his pocket and stepped inside. When he turned back around, he leaned against the far end of the elevator, watching .
It took him a mont to speak again.
Right before the doors closed, he reached out to stop them and muttered toward the empty air.
"I’m drunk."
"…Yeah. You seem pretty wasted."
I stepped inside, carefully passing him without letting our bodies touch. Not because I was upset with him. It was because of .
Because my heartbeat was so damn loud, I was afraid he’d hear it.
The doors closed, leaving only silence between us.
It was quiet enough that I could hear the ropes turning in the elevator shaft.
Go Yohan leaned completely against the wall, while I stood at the farthest corner.
We stayed like that for a long ti.
Then, I suddenly realized—neither of us had pressed a floor number.
I reached out hesitantly and held down a button. Behind , I heard a small, slightly flustered, "Oh," as if he had forgotten too.
Four bedrooms, two bathrooms. The one with the attached bathroom was mine, while Go Yohan used the one in the hallway.
At first, I wasn’t used to living in an apartnt with this layout, and I made a few mistakes. Once, I even tried to walk downstairs in my sleep—except there weren’t any stairs.
Old habits die hard.
After Go Yohan’s accident, our dorm room had stayed empty. I spent most of my ti at my family’s house, commuting to the hospital from there.
The bus ride from my parents’ place to school took an hour and a half. That was only the distance on paper—if I got caught in rush hour or heavy foot traffic, I could end up wasting two hours stuck in traffic.
By the end of the first sester, just as expected, I was kicked out of the dorms. My grades were below the requirent, and my household inco was over the limit.
Sa went for Go Yohan.
So I moved into the apartnt my parents had secured for in advance.
It was the mont my wise foresight paid off.
"We’re ho."
The mont I opened the door, Go Yohan collapsed onto the couch. I glanced at him.
He let out a deep sigh.
A heavy stench of alcohol clung to him.
Alcohol was fine. That was manageable.
The cigarette sll coming off his hair was worse—absolutely awful.
He reeked like he had just been soaked in an ashtray at the bar.
I had been planning to go straight to my room and shower, but instead, I grabbed his arm and yanked.
"Get up. The sll’s gonna stick to the leather."
"Ah, just let —"
"You drunk bastard, get up. You stink. If you’re gonna sleep, at least wash up first."
"You sll just like ."
Go Yohan, his face buried deep in the couch, shrugged his shoulders.
I gave up on pulling his arm and lifted my wrist instead, sniffing my sleeve.
Imdiately, I frowned.
Right. I had been in the sa space as him all night. Of course, I’d sll like him, too.
"I’m gonna wash up and go to bed."
"Then."
His voice dragged at the end.
Sothing was off.
It sounded like he was hesitating.
I stood still and looked down at the back of his head.
From where he was sprawled, his hand slipped off the couch and grasped my calf.
It tickled.
I couldn’t stand it.
"Let’s shower together."
"What?"
He was still face-down against the couch.
He had buried his face so deep that his words ca out muffled.
"Together…"
I couldn’t see his expression.
That was a relief.
More importantly—he couldn’t see mine, either.
I hurriedly covered my burning face with my hands.
"Are you out of your damn mind?"
"I’m drunk."
His low voice was swallowed up by the leather cushions.
Ah.
I finally realized it.
"Liar. You’re sober now."
My legs wobbled, and I could no longer stand. I collapsed onto the floor.
Even then, Go Yohan’s hand didn’t let go of my calf.
His head slowly lifted from the couch.
For the first ti, his eyes, hidden behind his ssy bangs, were visible.
His pale irises had darkened, sinking deep.
His Adam’s apple bobbed heavily.
"Jun-ah."
Slender fingers pulled at my pants.
Cold air touched my exposed ankle.
His throat moved again as he swallowed.
Our eyes t.
"…Wanna do it?"
My head instinctively dropped.
I understood imdiately.
"…What."
I mumbled behind my hands, my face burning.
Even though I already knew exactly what he ant, I asked anyway.
I pretended not to understand.
Go Yohan must’ve known my habits well, too.
"Like in the hospital."
That’s why he was so direct.
His already-ssy hair cast heavy shadows over his face.
His eyelids fluttered.
His tattered ears were so red that they stood out even in the dark.
Our gazes locked.
Go Yohan smiled, as if he had finally confird sothing.
"You will, right?"
"…"
What happened in the hospital was still a taboo between us.
We never spoke about it.
I didn’t want to put it into words, didn’t want to leave a clear record of it in my mory.
Of course, that was a weak rule.
Avoiding the words didn’t change the fact that I replayed it over and over in my head.
But still, I had to.
There was no need to label the path I was walking as ruin and make it even more painful.
Sotis, happiness ca from not facing reality.
It was still happening.
But as long as I didn’t hear it out loud, as long as I didn’t process it consciously, it was different.
"Please," I whispered, "just don’t think too hard about it."
Go Yohan propped himself up on his arms, lifting his waist. His three weakened fingers curled awkwardly as if grasping at air, while the two fingers he still had control over pointed straight at .
"Jun-ah."
"Huh?"
A dumb response slipped through the hands covering my face.
His slender eyes curved into a lazy smile. The fingers pointing at moved like a conductor’s baton.
"Do you know why human lips are structured to expose soft flesh?"
"…No?"
"Then let’s find out right now."
It was a rule born from my own stubbornness, but Go Yohan never seed to mind it much. In fact, by keeping silent alongside , he had actually reinforced my defenses.
He followed my childish rule so well.
And I found that fascinating.
"Hey."
"There’s nothing."
"Ah, co on."
"Alright, fine. What is it?"
My body, once alight with imagined heat, now cooled from the extremities inward in an attempt to maintain a steady temperature. Humans are born to live at precisely 36.5 degrees Celsius.
While my chest felt constricted with warmth, I could feel my fingertips growing cold.
My palms and every last one of my fingers, pressed against the floor, had turned pale.
"It’s just…"
My gaze, which had been drifting aimlessly, landed on Go Yohan’s hand, trembling lightly like a butterfly in the wind.
Like an insect at dawn, a thought that had been curled up inside took flight and landed on his delicate index finger.
"Are you really okay?"
"…"
His gaze flicked upward, as if deep in thought.
A brief, thoughtful hum.
Then, Go Yohan tilted his head toward .
"There are only two possible answers to that question."
"…"
"One is ‘I’m fine.’ The other is ‘What would you even do if I weren’t?’"
The body that had been lying down slowly sat up.
The couch creaked under the shift in weight.
That familiar mischievous glint returned to his face.
"Alright then. If I weren’t fine, what would you do?"
The answer lodged in my throat like a mouthful of thick honey.
I was completely tongue-tied.
"…"
"Would you take responsibility for my life?"
I silently swept my bangs back.
And then, finally, the words that had been stuck in my throat, the ones I always kept buried deep, ca out.
"…If that’s what you want."
"Wow. Adorable."
A small scoff scattered into the dawn air.
Go Yohan dropped his feet to the floor, resting his elbows on his knees and his chin in his palm, looking at for a long ti.
I t his gaze head-on.
That was my responsibility.
"Are you upset?"
"Of course—"
"…"
Of course—.
The sentence dangled, unfinished.
I swallowed and touched the tip of my nose.
Watching , Go Yohan let out a second laugh.
"Not upset at all, huh?"
"…"
"Hey, I told you not to think too hard."
His voice, still tinged with laughter, sounded strangely calm. Almost lancholic.
It suddenly occurred to —
Maybe Go Yohan was born at dawn.
"People say not to think deeply at night. Thoughts that co at this hour are all useless."
"Who says?"
"Dunno. If I know it, then it must be so famous bastard."
I didn’t answer.
How could I not think deeply?
Especially about Go Yohan, the scar permanently etched into my life.
But I didn’t say that out loud.
"And besides," he continued, "this isn’t the kind of pathetic brooding I want right now."
"Are you saying I’m pathetic?"
"Yeah. Right now, Kang Jun, you’re unbelievably pathetic."
Go Yohan’s narrow eyes scanned my face.
I suddenly rembered our first eting in our first year, in the middle of a sea of students.
Back then, he was just a minor character.
So why is he the director of my life now?
"If you really need sothing to shoulder…"
Go Yohan lifted his chin from his palm and straightened his back.
The hand that had been resting on his face moved to lightly tap his knee.
"Then just stay right there. Until I get tired of you."
"…"
"If thinking you need to do sothing for makes you feel better, then go ahead and do that."
That’s enough for .
Go Yohan’s final words weren’t spoken.
But they lingered in my mind.
The responsibility I had taken upon myself—of my own will—rested silently between us.
Then, Go Yohan raised an eyebrow.
"So? Are we doing this or not?"
In the end, it all ca down to that.
Of course.
Go Yohan was light, unbearably so.
But if soone asked whether I hated that about him…
I’d answer honestly.
No.
"Fine. Three minutes."
Saying it like this, as if I were reluctant, was all the proof needed.
I wasn’t fooling anyone.
I didn’t actually have a reason to set a ti limit.
I just didn’t want him to notice how much I liked it.
Giving in so easily was already pathetic enough.
I needed the excuse.
"Three minutes?"
Go Yohan’s face grew serious, like he was actually weighing his options.
His eyebrow twitched slightly.
Judging by that reaction, he wasn’t satisfied.
"What, are you waiting for a cup of instant ran to finish cooking?"
See? I knew it.
"How long were you expecting?"
"Ah, co on. That’s too short."
"I need to shower and sleep. I’m exhausted."
"It’s the weekend tomorrow. Just sleep in."
"Tomorrow’s a weekday. It’s Sunday morning right now."
"And? That just ans we can sleep in."
We didn’t need to say it out loud.
The thought was mutual.
"You always have to get the last word in."
At least, that’s what I thought, so I was half right.
I glanced at the clock on the wall.
2:24 a.m.
We had gotten into the taxi a little past midnight, aning I had waited for Go Yohan to wake up for quite a while.
I scratched my forehead and looked at him again.
Go Yohan, eting my gaze, was tugging at my ankle with a playful grip.
He wasn’t going to budge.
I could see it in his face.
I scratched my forehead again, even though it didn’t itch, before finally conceding.
"Five minutes, then."
"Wow. So generous."
"I am being generous."
"Yeah, sure. So gracious of you."
Go Yohan smirked slightly and nodded.
That ant he accepted.
With a long sigh, he pulled himself off the couch and stood up.
There are monts when you can hear your own heartbeat.
When you shove earphones deep into your ears.
When you sink into deep water, far enough that your feet don’t touch the ground.
And right now.
Right now was exactly that mont for .
Every single movent Go Yohan made burned into my vision.
Ti stretched out, each fra slow and deliberate, like an old film reel playing in slow motion.
He shook off his lethargy and looked down at .
"So? What are you waiting for? Sit here."
His long fingers tapped the couch.
I was hyperaware of them.
His sluggish fingers, so dulled compared to before.
He knew I couldn’t refuse.
And when he saw staring at them, he quickly hid his hand behind his back.
"…"
I let out a breath I hadn’t realized I was holding.
I stayed sitting on the floor, making no move to stand.
Go Yohan let out a low chuckle, his voice dipping slightly.
"You really need to do everything for you, huh?"
"Wait. I’ll get up."
"Seriously. You’re so fucking spoiled."
"Hey, I’m getting up, okay?!"
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