I had no idea how much ti had passed.
As I scattered cheap sympathy with my trembling lips, the paradics arrived with loud footsteps. They quickly shoved both and Go Yohan into the ambulance and started asking questions.
But Go Yohan could only moan in pain, and I mostly muttered, “I don’t know.” How pathetic. What do I even know about Go Yohan? If anyone is to bla, it should be . I hated the feeling of my mind going blank, it was maddening.
“Do you know this student’s guardian’s phone number?”
“Ah, no, I an, his parents know...”
“Please call them and get in touch with a guardian.”
I fumbled in my pocket without having ti to answer. But there was no hard object in my pockets. Confusion rushed over .
“I... I don’t have my phone.”
“Pardon?”
“I left it in the bathroom... I was looking for the hose to spray water on his wound...”
“Did you leave it in the bathroom?”
That’s when the mory beca clear. After I rushed into the bathroom, I had left my phone on the sink while I searched for the hose. Then, I sprayed water. When the paradics arrived, I rushed to follow them without thinking of grabbing it.
“Yohan... your phone...”
In a desperate state, I turned to speak to Go Yohan, but received no answer. His back was exposed, so I couldn’t see his condition. He just lay there, unresponsive, like a corpse.
“Go... Yohan?”
“Please step back!”
I was pushed aside, and a paradic examined sothing. Forcing Go Yohan’s head up, I looked at his eyes. After that, I didn’t really rember much. The paradic had no reason to explain the situation to .
All I knew was that Go Yohan had lost consciousness. I heard the word “shock” being ntioned.
"Please answer if the guardian calls later."
Looking at Go Yohan’s phone that the paradic had taken out, I felt my powerlessness. It seed like they knew I had nothing to offer, so they stopped asking anything.
Sitting in the corner of the ambulance, I stared at the motionless Go Yohan and realized the feeling of my heart being squeezed. Endless despair and helplessness. A weight heavier than any kind of bullying was pressing down on .
‘This is why people should live kindly.’
Go Yohan’s voice echoed in my head. The useless phone in my hand trembled. Live kindly. Live kindly. That bastard who even believes in God. Without realizing it, I clenched my teeth in frustration.
Go Yohan’s arm fell limply. At the sound of his hand slapping the ground, I jerked my head up. Suddenly, Go Yohan’s wrist was bare—his rosary was gone.
Because of , he threw away his rosary. At that mont, my whole body started to tremble.
“...Go Yohan was really lucky.”
What am I saying? My body shook so violently that I was in physical pain. All my muscles tightened. Muscle pain that squeezed . My mind searched for sothing to hold on to. It was the phone in my hand. I clung to it just because it was in my hand.
“I believed Go Yohan was a saint, terribly.”
There were three people in the space, but no one was listening to . Yet my mouth, as if trying to regain so sanity, kept muttering.
I grabbed the phone so tightly it felt like it would break. I knew it. I was just looking for sothing to bla.
‘Why ? Why not Go Yohan?’
I didn’t want to acknowledge the words I had thought in that mont. No, if I had been the one to take the full brunt of the liquid, maybe that resentnt would have been valid. But it wasn’t . Go Yohan took it for . He took the hit in place of my selfish thoughts. I didn’t get hurt. The cost of that ca as punishnt.
The vivid pain gnawed at my mind. Endless guilt grabbed my hair and pulled it up. The pain was so intense, it felt like my thoughts were being consud. And so, in order to survive, I blad.
“If you believed that much, you should’ve done sothing, should’ve helped...”
I couldn’t even look at Go Yohan, silently screaming in the midst of the quiet hell. And then, in that instant, sothing happened. The mont my fingers touched the phone under , sothing unbelievable occurred.
“...Huh?”
Through blurry vision, I saw the screen light up. And then, in a flash, I rembered the wicked thing I had done.
“Oh, right...”
I had registered my fingerprint on Go Yohan’s phone. Damn.
The screen, glowing brightly, slowly darkened toward .
I never even considered using Go Yohan’s fingerprint. The thought didn’t even cross my mind. Why didn’t the paradic even tell ? Or maybe I didn’t hear it? I had beco so much of an idiot that I didn’t know anything anymore.
****
I’m a coward, until the end. Was the heavy responsibility that ca to too much to bear? Or was I just trying to delay the worst reality that was rushing toward like a storm? Either way, as soon as I saw Go Yohan’s mother, there was no excuse for the coward who ran away from the hospital.
But the truth was, I knew I couldn’t escape. I realized that after watching the green light change for the umpteenth ti while standing by the crosswalk in front of the hospital for over 30 minutes. The word “surgery” burned in my mind.
The white lines drawn on the floor seed to hold my ankles.
“...”
Why am I stopping at the stop line when this isn’t even a car? I guess I can’t cross this line after all. Realizing this, I turned around. Then, crouching in front of the crowded ergency room entrance, I waited.
It wasn’t until evening, after everything had finished, that I went to find Go Yohan.
I was so dazed I didn’t even know what had happened. I went to the reception, asking about him, and all I was told was that the surgery had been successful. But the cowardly guilt didn’t go away and it tornted in another way.
Especially the man standing at the entrance to the hospital room, silently staring at the closed door, was my fear.
“...Ah.”
Damn, I ended up facing him after all.
“You ca.”
I looked at Go Yohan’s father with a half-destroyed gaze. He frowned slightly but spoke to in a very calm tone.
“You look terrible.”
“...Pardon?”
“You should wash your face.”
At his words, I hurriedly turned to the window and saw my face reflected. Only then did I understand what he ant. There was no such thing as a monster. My skin, puffed up, was grotesque. My face burned hot, and I covered it with the back of my hand.
“You’re too full of sympathy.”
I wondered if he was talking to , so I slightly lifted my hand from my face. The mont our eyes t, I instinctively looked away. No matter how much I looked, he looked just like Go Yohan. Of course, Go Yohan took after his father, but he looked disturbingly similar.
“...”
He stood straight, like a taller version of Go Yohan, and looked at sideways. He was right. But the reason I misjudged him was because of his subtly belittling tone.
“I raised him well, but he’s too weak.”
Was he talking about or Go Yohan? I couldn’t tell, so I couldn’t even retort. All I could do was stare blankly at the floor, like a sinner.
“Don’t worry. It was neutralized. His response wasn’t great, but it wasn’t bad either.”
“...”
“The water was good, but the stream was too strong, so it spread the wound even more. The fabric lted and mixed with the skin, causing deeper damage. The scars will probably last a lifeti. Because of the nerve damage, his fingers will probably tremble.”
"N-Nerves?"
"But Jun, did you enjoy your winter vacation?"
It was an incredibly sudden question. Even the person asking it probably didn't understand why they were bringing it up in this mont. I could only blink in confusion and ask again.
"…What?"
"Judging by how much weight you've lost, I suppose it wasn’t a very good vacation."
"Ah…"
Like soone in a trance, I nodded.
"…Yes."
"That."
There was a gaze fixed on . How could I possibly lift my head under that stare? It felt as if soone were pressing down hard on the back of my skull. I could only look at the floor. The only thing I saw below was the quiet presence of my father’s black leather gloves. No matter how many tis I saw them, they were always luxurious, made of the finest material.
A long coat, long pants, and leather shoes. Not a single part of him was exposed. Everything was black and murky. The soft yet solid heels of his shoes made light contact with the hospital floor. It was an action reminiscent of Go Yohan when he wanted to draw attention to himself—he often made clicking noises by tapping his fingers together.
Just as I had seen before, he slowly removed his gloves. The fine leather slipped away, revealing his long fingers. A well-polished silver ring glead between them. A deep, asured voice followed soon after.
"That's unfortunate."
Did he really think it was unfortunate? There was no way I could know. I had just turned twenty, and all I wanted was to see my parents—my real parents, not Go Yohan’s. The sorrow and guilt mixed inside , making my eyes sting.
"I'm sorry."
"Sorry? Do you think I’m angry?"
I barely managed to squeeze out a voice dampened with moisture and bowed my head, but the reaction I got was completely different from what I expected. I was flustered. He was dumbfounded. Without aning to, I lifted my head, and when our eyes t, I was t with a gaze so deep and dark I couldn't tell what he was thinking. Those unreadable eyes curved into a subtle smile.
"I wish you wouldn’t be so afraid of . I'm quite generous, you know."
"…What?"
"Everyone makes mistakes."
Normally, at this point, soone would say sothing out of a holy book—don’t dwell on mistakes everyone makes. But the man who gave his blood to Go Yohan spoke words far removed from anything sacred.
"Even if two people start from the sa line, their final ranking and rewards are already decided. You just have to wait for them to make a mistake."
It was a mindset beyond my imagination. That was the blood running through Go Yohan’s veins.
The hand clad in black leather slowly brushed my bangs back. My frozen eyes could only stare at that gentle gesture.
"That's why mistakes are lovely."
"…"
"Of course, only when they aren't mine."
Hearing that, I sank deeper into a swamp thick with moisture. Moss clung to my arms and legs.
"So Jun, you've beco sothing lovely to that bastard, haven't you?"
I couldn’t even muster another sorry. I was too busy forcing myself to breathe beneath the overwhelming weight pressing down on . Even the ticking of the clock was swallowed by the silence. This place felt less like a hospital corridor and more like the path leading to a funeral.
A heavy stillness filled the space. My breath barely scraped against the floor. Yet sowhere inside , a reckless impulse stirred—a feeling I couldn’t quite na. Maybe it was pity, guilt, or regret. Whatever it was, it itched at my throat.
I knew better than to speak. But if I didn't ask now, I never would. I didn’t have the courage to seek out Go Yohan’s father on my own.
After today, if I wanted to et him again, I would need to make a firm decision—one heavy enough to let face him. That weight bore down on now. And so, I gathered what little courage I had.
"…Can I ask you sothing?"
"Go ahead."
"Do… do you love Go Yohan?"
Go Yohan’s father listened to my words, then lightly pressed his forehead with his index finger. His mouth, hidden beneath his coat sleeve, was definitely smiling. Seeing that smile sent a small shiver down my spine. The gentle curve of his lips carried an unsettling kindness.
I thought, This isn’t right.
A parent shouldn't smile like that. Not when the reason their son was half-crippled stood right in front of them.
"Of course I love him. He’s my child."
Then… Gorosa was right, after all.
As the realization settled in, I felt an invisible wall rise in front of . But before it could fully block my way, Go Yohan’s father spoke again.
"But only second."
"…What?"
"If we’re being precise… yes, among my children, he ranks second."
"…By birth order?"
"Not quite."
A vast, snow-covered plain, endless in every direction. No matter where you looked, all you saw was white. The kind of place where, if you stepped forward, you might fall into a hidden cliff buried beneath the snow.
If Go Yohan’s father were to beco a landscape, I imagined it would be sothing like that.
A man who openly ranked his children.
"You can rank them?"
"Why wouldn’t I?"
"But people say you can't pick which finger to bite…"
"Ah."
His lips, which had seed permanently closed, lifted slightly.
Instinctively, I looked away.
For a split second, I had seen his smiling face.
He looked just like Go Yohan.
No, Go Yohan must have been the one who looked like him.
Yet despite their resemblance, Go Yohan was only second.
Why?
The confusion spread through like an ache.
And then, just as my mind threatened to sink into that question, the deep voice broke through.
"Every finger may hurt when you bite it, but only one wears the ring."
"…Then… who wears the ring?"
It was an innocent question.
And maybe, just a little, it was bitter.
As soone who was also a child.
As soone who was, in so way, the sa as Go Yohan.
It was a question I had every right to ask.
"That," Go Yohan’s father lifted his gaze and looked down at , "is sothing only I need to know."
His long fingers slipped back into the gloves he had taken off.
It was as if, for a brief mont, ti itself had slowed for him alone.
I could only watch the process unfold.
I didn’t even dare to look at his face.
Sothing dropped into my vision.
When I looked up, Go Yohan’s father was holding sothing out to .
"…This is…?"
"Is your birthday earlier than his, by any chance?"
"Ah, no."
"Then it’s fine."
It was a guardian access pass.
"You should take it."
At so point, the small plastic card had ended up in my hand.
"……."
I stared at it, dumbfounded, before hesitantly looking up. The gaze I t was piercingly cold, and I instinctively lowered my head again.
"I t with a detective earlier."
"…What?"
"While you were enjoying your long vacation, that friend of yours was looking for you. A lot."
"What?"
For a mont, I thought I had misheard him. And when I finally understood the words, my entire body began to tremble.
The small plastic card in my hand twitched against my fingers.
Go Yohan’s father looked down at it in silence before speaking again, his voice slow and deliberate.
"Be sure to pass along my regards to him."
"…Ah, ah… no…"
I should have said sothing. A denial, an excuse—anything. But my mind was filled with nothing but despair.
A large hand gently stroked my hair. The sensation was vivid.
I couldn’t lift my head.
I couldn’t shake him off.
All I could do was tremble.
Because Go Yohan—because of , he had ended up like this.
Guilt, as crushing as hell itself, seeped through his touch.
"I… that’s not…"
The long fingers that had ruffled my hair lifted away.
A faint breeze brushed past , and the soft, deliberate rhythm of black leather shoes echoed down the hospital corridor. The heavy scent of musk spread through the air, lingering with the faint sll of moss-covered wood.
When I cautiously lifted my head, Go Yohan’s father was already gone.
Sowhere far off, the sound of steady footsteps gradually faded.
"…Ah."
I stood in front of Go Yohan’s hospital room for a long ti.
Only when the footsteps had completely disappeared did I turn and rush into the nearest bathroom.
The face in the mirror reflected every trace of the tears I had shed.
I hurriedly turned on the faucet and buried my face in the running water.
And yet, as the water stread down my skin, it only felt like more tears were falling.
I stayed like that for a long ti, my face subrged, until I finally pulled away, too numb to even wipe myself dry.
A sudden thought struck —Go Yohan might have to spend the night alone.
I headed back to the hospital room.
As expected, the room was empty except for him.
Go Yohan lay there, sprawled on his stomach, lost in a drug-induced sleep.
I watched his unmoving back from a distance before quietly moving to the couch and lying down.
The hospital room was still cold.
"……."
Through the tilted world, I could see Go Yohan.
Soti later, his second scream tore from sleep.
****
"They're going to do a skin graft."
"Oh, really?"
"…Your father gave his consent."
"Over the phone?"
I hesitated before nodding.
That single nod carried a crushing weight.
But Go Yohan took the burden from before it could settle.
He answered for .
"Figures. Damn. The bastard really doesn’t give a shit about his kid."
"At least your joints weren’t too badly damaged, and your growth plates are closed, so they said there won’t be any contractures."
"If I get any taller at this point, I’d be an ogre, not a person. Seriously, what the hell—191?"
His expression twisted into a grimace, either from pain or from the realization that he was now 191 centiters tall.
That absurdly carefree attitude drained the energy right out of .
Honestly, I thought it was way too tall too.
Go Yohan sulked about his height before suddenly turning to .
"…But you grew too, didn’t you?"
"?"
"Yeah, you look taller."
"I haven’t asured myself, so I don’t really know."
It was ironic.
Height had always been my biggest insecurity.
And yet, ever since I turned nineteen—no, ever since I got involved with Go Yohan—I had stopped keeping track.
I hadn’t had the ti.
"Co here."
Go Yohan, still lying down, gestured at .
As always, he acted like he could just summon over.
One of his eyebrows twitched slightly when I didn’t move.
And when I still didn’t react, his hand hesitated in midair before quietly dropping.
"…Never mind."
He lowered his head.
His bowed crown ca into view.
So did the white gauze.
I stared at it for a mont before slowly sitting up.
The sound of moving made Go Yohan snap his head up, his eyes locking onto .
Eyes that looked up at .
"Weird."
"What is?"
"…It’s the first ti I’ve had to look up at you."
"I’d have to be a giant for that to happen."
I wasn’t sure if he was complaining or bragging.
He sneaked a glance at , a faint flicker of sothing hopeful in his eyes.
I caught it as it passed, then slowly closed my own eyes for a second.
It was barely a mont.
Not even a full second.
But in that brief pause, I made up my mind.
"Why did you call over?"
At my question, spring arrived.
A field of blooming flowers.
Spring unfolded in Go Yohan’s eyes.
"Stay there for a second."
"Don’t move recklessly."
"Relax. It doesn’t hurt at all. I’m loaded up on painkillers."
Before I could stop him, Go Yohan shot up.
His sudden movent left his chest completely exposed.
Fucking—this bastard.
I hurriedly averted my gaze.
But he didn’t even try to acknowledge my reaction.
Instead, he looked strangely excited as he sidled up next to .
Then, he glanced down, aligning his shoulder with mine, and broke into the brightest smile imaginable.
"You grew."
His fingers stiffly stretched upward, curling ever so slightly.
His right hand never responded.
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