"Damn it," I muttered as I snapped back to reality and slamd my fist onto the keyboard. That wasn’t enough to calm down, so I threw the mouse on the wall as well.
"Please, just get out of my head already!"
But even after throwing everything on my desk, my pain didn’t go away. My mind, steeped in confusion, just kept searching for an escape.
Alright, just sleep and forget everything. I walked toward the bed, as if in a trance.
That wasn’t enough, so I pulled the blanket all the way up over my head. I tried to close my eyes and sleep, but my hand once again wandered, tracing my lips. I pressed the center of my lips tightly with my thumb and index finger. The soft flesh sank in where I pressed. But that wasn’t enough, so I moved my fingers deeper, pressing further inside. Just as I was about to bite my nails, I ca to my senses and pulled my fingers out of my mouth.
"Crazy..."
I was definitely crazy.
"Why does he keep popping up when I’ll never see him again?"
Then, impulsively, I thought I shouldn’t have done it. Regret built up in , and I endlessly regretted what I had done, finally drifting off to sleep.
****
I had gone to bed too early. When I woke up, it was barely 7 PM.
"Damn, this is crazy."
What a terrible day. This first day of college felt like the worst of the worst. This is the twenty I had dread of? I felt so bad I almost collapsed.
Turning my head, I realized my roommate still hadn’t shown up. At this rate, it seed like I was living in this room alone. Looking at the empty mattress, hunger crept up on .
"Dinner…"
Looking at the ti, I realized the dorm cafeteria was about to close.
"Should I just skip it?"
Maybe by the ti dawn cos, it’ll be too late to change anything. I forced myself up, thinking I could grab sothing and eat later when I felt like it.
I grabbed my wallet and walked in the direction I’d seen a convenience store. I bought so food I could eat, including so water. I stuffed it all in a bag and headed back to the dorm. The walk felt strangely awkward. It was like I was living a life that didn’t suit , or like the start of a new life going awry.
As I waited for the elevator, disappointed by my day, my phone rang. I thought it was just another departnt notification, but when I checked the screen, it was surprisingly my horoom teacher.
"Have you checked the school website?"
The school website? What could it be? I furrowed my brow, feeling frustrated by not being able to imdiately recall. I decided I should check it, so I opened the internet and searched for the school’s na. Clicking on the link that appeared, an unfamiliar pop-up window appeared. I sighed when I saw it.
"They updated the list of accepted students."
At the very top, the na was listed: Perfect score on the CSAT, Kang Jun from the Departnt of Political Science and Diplomacy at Korea University. Of course, the school would be proud of it, so they probably updated it now.
"I wish they hadn’t."
I regretted not keeping it a secret. And sure enough, under my na, Ahn Jisoo was listed. It was shocking. They had ranked it by CSAT scores, not grades. I shrugged and scrolled down. Familiar nas appeared below Ahn Jisoo’s.
"Haminwoo got accepted too. Korean Language and Literature."
The chi of the elevator rang. I snapped my eyes away from the screen and pressed the 4th floor button. The chanical sounds filled the quiet space. I scrolled down further when another na appeared.
At that mont, my bag of groceries fell to the floor.
The scattered contents spilled out, but I could only stare at the screen in shock.
"...What the hell is this?"
The screen flickered slightly. The once bright screen started to blur.
Korea University, Departnt of Economics, Go Yohan.
A flash of light hit my head. The mories buried in my mind began to slowly replay, like an old movie. Monts that I had barely brushed past intertwined and beca vivid in my mind.
"Do you really think you can get into Korea University with your grades?"
"Well, if it’s through the foreign student admission..."
"Foreign student?"
"Wait, no... it can’t be..."
I couldn’t believe it, it was real. That had really been true. Why was Go Yohan here? Was the reason he told to definitely pass back then because of this? No, it can’t be. No, it can’t be. I need to check. When was the foreign student application announcent? I thought it was a bit early. I definitely saw it. Was it in September? Then, what does this an, that Go Yohan was already accepted?
"It can’t be. It can’t be..."
In my panic, I dropped the phone I was holding. My despair collided with the hard floor, and the phone bounced up. It slid across the dirty floor. I raised my head to reach for the phone, but soone was standing in front of my dorm door. With a large suitcase.
"..."
Strangely, those shoes looked familiar.
Why?
Why does this feel so familiar? Why? Why does this feel familiar?
Big feet, long legs. A stiff gaze slowly moved up the legs.
And then, I heard the sound of my life crumbling.
"…Kang Jun?"
"…Go Yohan."
My mouth trembled. I was confused by the unbelievable sight.
"You, why are you here?"
Why are you in front of my dorm?
"Why are you here, you son of a bitch!"
I yelled. The emotions that had been hiding deep inside , beneath my feet, crawled up my body. I wanted to scratch myself. It wasn’t that it was itchy, but I wanted to shake off all the things that had appeared on my skin, like rashes.
The cause of everything was right in front of . But what terrified more was that Go Yohan was standing there with a surprised look on his face, saying nothing.
"Y-You… why are you…"
Why are you standing there, just as surprised as I am?
I couldn’t believe his expression. I didn’t want to be fooled by the lies anymore.
He must have done sothing. My stubborn, reasonable doubt was ignored. This wasn’t a high school where you could solve things with a single word. What if, like Shin Jaehyun said, it was just a coincidence?
Then why the hell is it a coincidence that it’s Go Yohan? Why him, of all people!?
There is no cold, rational Kang Jun here. Only a perpetrator caught in the act of trying to shift the bla for a humiliating past. The flas of sha burning in my mories desperately try to pin it all on him.
"You, you… How did you do it? How are you here? Why the hell are you here?!"
I took slow, unsteady steps backward, denying what was happening. Away from Go Yohan? No, that wasn’t it. I just wanted to believe that. In truth, I was running away from my own pathetic self. The sa self that had chased a prey called desire through a fog thick enough to swallow ti. My instincts were more honest than my mind.
"…Why do you look so thin? You were already skinny."
Go Yohan didn’t listen to . He just said what he wanted. He looked at with pity, his face slightly gaunt, as if he was the one overwheld with emotion. I had no idea why. He took a step toward as I backed away, his voice unsteady.
"Don’t change the subject!"
My throat tightened so much it hurt.
Don’t waste your concern on . It was a desperate attempt at defiance. The weight in my chest felt like it was being sucked to the very center of the earth. My emotions followed gravity, and unfortunately, the core was Go Yohan.
"It’s not like you actually care what happens to …"
You just enjoyed watching play along with your selfish gas. I knew it. I knew your lies.
"No, that’s not true."
Go Yohan lowered his head, almost like he was admitting guilt. The sight irritated . That fragile expression crashed into my chest, knocking the breath out of . His damnably sorrowful eyes followed mine, pleading. Don’t follow . I averted my gaze with all my strength.
"…It’s not."
I blocked my ears. I refused to hear his excuses.
"Leave."
I covered my ears roughly and glared at him, releasing the excessive anger welling up inside . I knew I was being irrational, but I had every reason to hate Go Yohan.
"Just go!"
I spat my hatred at the bastard who refused to move. But the response ca from sowhere else.
"Who’s making all that noise in the hallway? Keep it down!"
A loud bang echoed as soone slamd their fist against a door. That completely ordinary warning doused my rage in an instant. I would have to see these people for the next few months. Did they recognize my voice? Damn it, shit.
"…Move."
Burning with unbearable sha, I hastily shoved my scattered belongings into a bag, cramd my fallen phone inside, and pushed past Go Yohan. Before he could turn his head, I punched in my door code, swung the door open, and hurried inside, slamming it shut behind .
"……."
But how pathetic. Even after stepping into the place I thought would be safe, I stood there in the cramped entranceway, staring at the door. In that mont, I was desperately hoping for sothing.
"Please… Please, no."
Hope has always betrayed . It always will. None of my wishes have ever been granted.
Beep-, beep-, beep-, beep-.
The slow, rhythmic beeps of the lock echoed. My body instinctively retreated from the entrance. Through the slight opening, sothing monstrous crept in—sothing as inevitable as a celestial body, as repulsive as a curse, as disastrous as a calamity. His eyes, once nacing, now carried only sorrow and despair.
Go Yohan smirked bitterly as he looked at the open lock.
"You didn’t change the code. The office told you to change it."
"……."
"You never change your numbers. Not for your phone, not for this."
"Don’t co in."
I reached out and pointed at the entrance.
"Go back. Cancel your stay."
The place I had fled to—why was it your nest? Why, of all places, here? Overwheld by shock, I threw out an impossible demand. It was an order full of desperation. And I knew the crazy bastard in front of wouldn’t listen. My whole body trembled with frustration, tears welling up against my will.
He’ll definitely scoff or mock . That’s the Go Yohan I know.
Go Yohan opened and closed his mouth before swallowing hard. Then he spoke. Yeah, let’s hear your excuse. I braced myself.
But what he said was completely unexpected.
"…Alright. I got it."
"…What?"
Got it? Go Yohan? He’s leaving? Just like that? Without an argunt?
Confusion seized my mind, stretching and twisting it like I was being sucked into a vortex. Like I had been caught in a black hole and my very existence was being stretched into nothingness.
Why?
"…Why?"
It was a stupid question. But my carefully built assumptions had just crumbled in an instant, and my bewildernt was justified. My world was spinning, and yet the person at the center of it all was too quiet, too compliant.
"You told to."
"I—? Are you saying you’re leaving just because I told you to? You?"
A dry chuckle escaped . If you’re going to act obedient, at least fix your face. One of his eyebrows was twisted, his lips twitching in a way that didn’t quite match his words.
I knew that look well. It was the look Go Yohan had when things didn’t go his way.
"Don’t pull that crap. You tornted for two whole years."
"It wasn’t two years."
Go Yohan had the audacity to look indignant.
Like he had any right.
Like he had done nothing wrong.
"Not every mont was miserable."
"Don’t make laugh. That’s just what you want to believe."
"…Do you really hate that much?"
His voice suddenly turned urgent, cutting through my words.
"When did it start?"
Was that really what he wanted to know? I answered honestly.
"When did it start? I already told you. I hated you from the mont I t you."
"…Why?"
"Because you’re insufferable."
The hand that had been pointing firmly at the entrance lowered cautiously. Honestly, I didn’t have the ntal strength to keep it raised. Today, my voice, unusually calm and lancholy, was like water that had completely lted, soft and dripping with sadness. It was moist and sticky, yet sohow sharp and sorrowful. It felt like Go Yohan’s voice had been born from his depression and emptiness. For the first ti, I thought that Go Yohan and his voice actually matched. How ridiculous.
“I really didn’t lie.”
I was about to ask what lie he was talking about, but I understood the aning and imdiately closed my mouth.
“...My family really hates .”
“Yeah? The people who hate you sure are handling your accidents with a lot of kindness.”
Go Yohan’s pale eyes went still. The darkest dawn settled in his damp eyes. I had an obligation to hate Go Yohan. And so, my sarcasm ca out easily.
“Maybe you should think about an alibi sotis. Were you that desperate for attention?”
At the mont of my sudden, arrogant defiance, Go Yohan nodded with an innocent face. Proudly.
“...?”
I froze, unable to speak. I never thought I’d get a positive answer here. Go Yohan, nodding several tis, casually said.
“I was desperate for attention.”
“......”
“Your attention was what I was desperate for.”
Why would he say that at this mont? With that expression? It seed like Go Yohan had learned the exact way to tornt during our school years. Or maybe Go Yohan really was a demon who appeared just to torture . Was he a god trying to kill using his rosary as a weapon? The damned Möbius strip was tightening around my neck.
“Still, I wasn’t lying.”
“Stop talking.”
I raised my hand, trying to block the words. It felt like I was losing my mind talking to Go Yohan. If you’re not going to make a proper excuse, then at least stop being so shaless. Why keep pretending to be so innocent while telling obvious lies?
“Stop talking…”
I grabbed my forehead and lifted my gaze. That’s when I saw Go Yohan’s lips above my eyes. It was a mistake. Oh, damn. The dull sensation that had lingered in my mories pressed down on . I quickly turned my head and babbled whatever ca to mind.
“I don’t want to hear excuses that are just lies. There’s no proof that your words are true.”
“......”
There was no answer.
I looked up at the strangely silent response, and our eyes t. Go Yohan’s lips were firmly pressed together, his eyes flowing with frustration. But that tightly shut mouth never opened.
“......”
“......”
His hands were white from how tightly he clenched them. His eyes, filled with sadness, were subtly brimming with moisture. He must have felt wronged. Why was he choking back tears? But sohow, that irritated . What was so wrong, so desperate that he felt the need to make excuses?
“You really listen well, don’t you?”
“You told to.”
That idiot who blindly repeated everything I said—was that really sincere?
“How does soone who claims they’ve done nothing wrong listen to others so well?”
I found my words awkward as soon as I said them. Even though I said it, it still felt uncomfortable, so I bit my lip. I couldn’t stand how I was leading us back to the topic I had been avoiding.
Idiot.
The worst part was that Go Yohan had seen the expression on my face. His eyes widened with a startled look. I had been caught obsessing over that incident. My face flushed in sha. Go Yohan flinched slightly, raised an eyebrow, and then spoke.
“Where have you been all this ti?”
How sweet of him to pretend he didn’t know. Thanks for acting like you don’t know. You bastard.
“Why do you care?”
“Why didn’t you answer my calls?”
“I don’t know.”
“Why don’t you know?”
The ordinary words were sharp with hidden thorns. There was sothing uncomfortable in the way he spoke.
“Even the horoom teacher doesn’t know, and none of the people you know do either. Why are you like this…”
There was a pause. Go Yohan suppressed his emotions in that short mont. I could hear the sound of his emotions building up, desperately held back. He took a deep breath.
“Why don’t you know anything?”
“......”
“Why don’t you even know ? You’re good at studying.”
What was I thinking at that mont? Upon reflection, it was regret. Go Yohan always found new ways to tornt .
“I prayed a lot. To let see you.”
“......Why?”
“I had sothing I wanted to say.”
What did he want to say? Despite my efforts to avoid his gaze, his eyes ca at relentlessly. I was uncomfortable, and my eyes naturally drifted toward his arm. Now that I thought about it, I had always followed Go Yohan’s rosary. Why did it bother so much, what was so uncomfortable about it?
“So what?”
But Go Yohan, a devout Catholic, didn’t have the symbol of faith on his wrist. Instead, his wrist looked bare, as though there was nothing there. I felt a little confused. I didn’t even know why it confused .
Was it because I assud Go Yohan had to believe in sothing?
“Wait, where’s your rosary?”
“Oh, this?”
Go Yohan raised his arm, revealing his bare wrist. The rosary, which always hung there, was gone. It wasn’t my mistake. His empty wrist was all I needed to see.
“I threw it away.”
“Why...”
“God’s a liar. He’s completely selfish. If you look closely, He only does what He wants. He gives you hope and then brings nothing but hell under the na of trials. He tortures you.”
At that mont, an absurd thought crossed my mind. The fact that Go Yohan was the one saying this made it even more laughable.
“When I saw you at graduation, I thought my prayers had been answered…”
Graduation. The events from that day rushed into my head violently. I didn’t want to hear this. I shook my head desperately. Don’t say it.
“Don’t bring that up.”
“So I said thank you. Thank you.”
“Don’t talk about that!”
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