I let out a sharp breath and shook my head. So I was right. Well, whatever. I should be glad that Go Yohan isn’t the type to dwell on the past. Though, thanks to that very trait, there had been plenty of exhausting monts.
I searched the air for barely visible snowflakes, then looked at Go Yohan standing in front of . That cold, indifferent face, staring at the delicate descent of snow—it suited him and didn’t at the sa ti.
It felt like watching a silent film in an empty movie theater long past its ti.
A red carpet too quiet to be real. A chair so cold it sent chills up my spine. A sense of unease, like sitting in a seat stained with sothing unknown. The weight in my chest, a dull and tightening ache just above my solar plexus.
Honestly, the sight of falling snow is nothing but cliché. The first snowfall of the year isn’t anything special when you’ve seen it dozens of tis in your life.
Yet, I just stood there, unable to move. Because before , in the flickering light of this silent film, fine strands of downy hair caught the glow, reflecting it ever so faintly, and sothing in my chest ached.
“…It’s pretty.”
“It is.”
Go Yohan echoed my words like soone who had left their mind elsewhere.
Hearing his response, I turned my gaze back to the world beyond the glass. But that wasn’t what I found pretty.
“Will it pile up?”
Even now, instead of saying what I actually ant, I threw out sothing else. So typical of .
And even in this mont, my first thought was, If the snow piles up, going ho is going to be a pain in the ass.
That kind of realism, even at tis like this—I hated myself for ruining the mood and bit my lower lip in regret. People don’t change that easily, I guess.
“If it piles up before we leave, that’d be a real pain in the ass.”
“……”
“What?”
“…Nothing. Just reminded of sothing.”
Out of nowhere, I suddenly rembered the ti I used to hate Go Yohan.
Annoyingly enough, despite despising him back then, I had already felt like our values were strangely aligned. And now, that very alignnt was surfacing again.
“What did it remind you of?”
“When I first t you.”
By my definition, that would’ve been in my second year. So technically, it wasn’t a lie.
But to my offhand remark, Go Yohan gave a strangely amused smile.
What’s with that look?
Then, as if to make things worse, he slowly ran a finger up his chin in thought.
The most frustrating part?
Everything Go Yohan does sohow looks good.
No, not sohow. A lot.
No—honestly, he just looks good. Period.
It’s so fucking unfair.
“You think of when the first snow falls? Was it snowing when we t?”
“No. You just left that kind of impression. Like sumr monsoon season and the dead of winter at the sa ti.”
“Huh. I didn’t take you for the sentintal type, Jun.”
His smirk deepened, growing more sly, more teasing.
His narrow eyes, the ridiculously high bridge of his nose—everything about his expression seed to be making fun of .
“What, what?”
“…Fuck, what is this.”
Muttering under his breath, just barely audible, Go Yohan checked his phone.
Another call.
It was probably the sa person as before.
But then, his face, which had been lightly annoyed just monts ago, slowly drained of expression.
I knew exactly when Go Yohan made that face.
It was when his family called.
The ringtone filled the lobby, loud and intrusive.
Go Yohan simply stared at the screen, making no move to answer.
For soone like , who had grown up as a pampered flower inside a protective fence, Go Yohan’s lack of attachnt to his family was baffling and hard to grasp. But if there was one thing I did understand, it was this:
Go Yohan was the most like his father—and at the sa ti, the biggest anomaly in his family.
“If that old fucker croaks, I’ll lock him up in a psych ward and starve him to death.”
See? Stuff like that.
The unpleasant electronic noise finally cut off, and Go Yohan scraped his gums with his lips. Then, as if on cue, a ssage notification pinged.
One of his eyebrows twitched.
Then, in a low murmur, he muttered,
“…What’s with them calling all of a sudden?”
“Just… it happens sotis.”
I asked the question because, for so reason, I suddenly felt bad for him. But Go Yohan dodged it.
Did he think I wouldn’t press the issue if he answered vaguely?
Too bad—I could always tell when he was making shit up.
His lies were never convincing.
Without making a fuss, I turned my gaze back to the glass window, as if I was letting it go.
That’s why, when Go Yohan reached for his phone again, I moved.
Quickly.
I leaned in and glanced at the screen.
A few seconds were all I needed.
Because I’ve always been a fast reader.
A habit from speed-reading for tests.
“25th. Final warning.”
“…25th?”
“Hey, you—!”
Go Yohan flinched, his arm swinging out on reflex.
Unfortunately, I had been standing directly behind him.
His hand cut through the air and slamd into my chest.
There wasn’t even ti to think.
The impact felt like getting struck by a brick—hard, blunt, and right against my upper chest.
I stumbled, choking on a sharp burst of pain, coughing violently.
“…Ah.”
“Shit—hey!”
Panicked, Go Yohan flung his phone onto the floor and grabbed my chest and back at the sa ti.
Bastard.
He’s the one who hit , and now he’s acting concerned?
Why the hell is he so fucking strong?
The pain shot up my throat, bile rising.
Tears almost welled up in my eyes, but I barely held them back.
“…I’m sorry. I’m really sorry. Are you okay?”
My stomach was still unsettled, but I took a slow, deep breath and lifted my hand slightly—signaling that I was fine.
Bending over, I rested my hands on my knees and inhaled the cold air.
Then, I raised my head.
My gaze always landed in the sa place.
The place where my own despair blood, bright and inescapable.
Wow.
I really just heard an apology from Go Yohan.
And not as a joke—an actual, sincere apology.
Then why did he look even paler than ?
Why was that prideful bastard half-kneeling, looking up at like that?
Too shaken to even get angry.
And just like that, I thought to myself, Yeah. I guess I did try to sneak a peek at his phone. No wonder he was startled.
And as always, I forgave him in my head.
I must be so kind of idiot—soone who feeds off self-sacrifice like it’s fertilizer.
Eighteen years old.
The person I used to hate most in the world, Go Yohan—
…Right now, he looked so damn lovable.
Getting hit a little? That was nothing.
Go Yohan being selfish, reckless, a complete asshole?
I could tolerate that much.
Thinking back, I’ve always been this forgiving.
And ironically, the only person who had ever sacrificed anything for —
Was Go Yohan, my own despair.
I pressed a hand against my chest and spoke.
“…On the 25th.”
“Fuck.”
“Wanna go to an amusent park?”
So of course, I had no choice but to be good to him.
I already knew where this was heading.
This was exactly why I never wanted to date anyone.
“…On Christmas.”
"That's not the problem, are you okay?"
"I told you I'm fine. Why are you making such a fuss? It's just a shock."
Why does Go Yohan's face grow even more disdainful at my excuses? His already gloomy and frosty face cooled further with a look as if he had swallowed a bitter pill. And then, he clenched his fist.
"Go Yohan?"
Then, glancing at his left fist, in the blink of an eye, he swung his fist right into his intact cheek with all his might. It happened so suddenly that there was no ti to stop him. Blood seeped from beside his lip.
Stunned, I couldn't find the words, just opened my mouth and reached out with my hand, but Go Yohan, with an unaffected expression, took my hand and placed it on his swollen, reddened cheek.
"Go Yohan!"
This crazy bastard. This gone mad bastard. Chills ran down my spine. Yet, contrary to my circumstances, Go Yohan, now seemingly relieved, said with a refreshing laugh.
"Shall we go sowhere? Sorry, say that again. I didn’t catch it. I heard sothing about Christmas..."
"Why the cheek...!"
"I'm fine."
If he was going to say that, he should have stood up to speak. Go Yohan was still kneeling, looking up at . Then he smiled innocently, as if he was seeking praise.
"Why are you making such a fuss? It's just a shock."
Chills ran through at Go Yohan mimicking my words. Has this bastard really gone mad? Was he keeping this inside all this ti? Was he expressing the feelings he felt when I said I was fine, in this way, for to see?
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. That was how Go Yohan lived. That saying of his flashed through my mind like a panorama.
What should I do with you, really.
I looked at Go Yohan with a dumbfounded expression. What could I possibly give to this bad bastard who harbors this strange love? What I, I could give. Desperately recalling, I rembered a crumpled-up free pass. That was all I could think of to give him.
****
"Go Yohan r=1−sinθ Kang Jun"
I checked the late night ssage in the morning and my blood pressure shot up. It was another one of Kang Suhyeon’s antics. Already struggling to get up because of my low blood pressure, the ssage instantly gave a headache.
"What is this?"
December 24th. 8:45 AM.
Since the start of the break, all I had been doing was moving back and forth between my family ho and the apartnt. It was because my parents still hadn't returned.
The reason for the back and forth was sowhat guilt-ridden. Since the middle of the second sester, my parents had occasionally hinted, 'How is the lady doing?' The anxious nuance spreading from those seven words. Moreover, monitoring the whereabouts of an adult twice my age wasn't ntally easy, nor was it sothing I liked, so I felt averse to it. I would rather not know about a stranger. It was all the more uncomfortable because of Go Yohan. Sohow it felt like he had leverage over .
The strange tension between my parents, the lady, and myself began slowly as I stayed away from ho.
My parents would contact the lady every day asking her to clean the apartnt, and it had been subtly refused for about half a year now. Eventually, I persuaded the lady. As always, it was a false persuasion.
"Lady, a friend from school and I decided to live together for a while. It's not for long. That friend couldn't find a dorm room, you see. It might be too much for my friend if you co over often."
The indifferent 'Yes.' was the end of it. I reassured myself and specifically asked for her to visit when no one was there, but the stress built up day by day. Even more so when my parents casually ntioned during the last call that I didn’t need to be at school during the holidays, so I should co ho and watch the house. What was that supposed to an, especially with such an intentional tone?
"Is the lady keeping the house well? Do you go there often?"
"Yes, I check on it regularly."
"There’s a saying that she's using it like her own house. Inviting people over as she pleases."
"There was no such thing..."
"...Jun, you're coming ho for the break, right?"
"Ho?"
"I just don’t want to stress about it. I don’t want to suspect people. Let’s just make it easy on everyone."
"What about the apartnt then? It'll be empty for almost 3 months. Won’t that be troubleso?"
"Is leaving it empty for 3 months a big deal? Leaving ho empty is the real issue. Just pay the maintenance fee and leave it be."
Excuses didn’t work. Therefore, I had to pretend as much as I could that I was staying at ho for my parents.
The fatigue created from this situation constricted . Since the break started, my parents would surely ask the lady about my life, supposed to be at the family ho. The excuse of 'I've been living with a friend for a while' I had used during the sumr break wouldn’t last long. I needed to co up with another excuse before the break stretched further.
"128"
…6606.4818843257?
What the hell is this...
Damn that Kang Suhyeon for making my already complicated feelings even more infuriating. I threw my phone on the bed.
It was clear why Kang Suhyeon sent this ssage. December 25th. Christmas had co.
It’s ridiculous, but today was the official first date... well, it's hard to say, just a kind of outing between guys... the first day had co. It was a morably mortifying anniversary. The reason is embarrassing.
"Sigh..."
With a sigh, I slumped to the floor. And with another sigh, a feeble laughter leaked out, certainly not out of joy. Absolutely, absolutely not. I pressed down my lips that had involuntarily risen.
"Act tough when you go outside. Act like it's no big deal."
Even murmuring this to myself seed like a big deal, though I knew it. I think it’s different when you say sothing out loud. You acknowledge it, right? I gathered strength in my slumped legs and stood up to open the door.
And then I saw the second thing I wish I hadn’t.
"..."
"You up?"
Why does crossing the hallway right after opening the door have to show the living room bathroom? Had it always been this way? Probably from the beginning. Also, this situation ca about because of the sexual relationship that had started between Go Yohan and . I had turned the wrong tide.
"Hurry up and shower, I have sothing to show you today."
"Don’t show it, please don’t show it."
I emphatically refused. It was because of Go Yohan’s attire. Where he had found it, I don't know, but walking around wearing my shower robe unbuttoned. It was insanely sexy.
"Please, just tie it up tight in front."
Why doesn’t Go Yohan dress after taking a shower? Because he has a personal room with a bathroom attached in his family ho? But I do too. Even though I had a bathroom in my personal room, I never walked around naked. At the very least, I wore underwear.
"Why do you hate seeing mine so much, when it’s not the first ti?"
Go Yohan sighed dejectedly, tousling his wet hair. Droplets of water sprayed from his wet hair, and the water he hadn't wiped off stread down his defined abs. That was fine until the water droplets traveled down his abs and boldly wet his exposed genitals.
What was worse, Go Yohan’s penis had been rising ever since it had encountered mine. But why was Go Yohan just tousling his hair expressionlessly? I really couldn't understand this bastard.
I hastily turned my face the other way and blurted out in a rush.
"You, aren't you embarrassed?"
"What are you talking about? I'm not embarrassed by anything about you, Jun."
"Please. I, I..."
"Don't be like that. You really enjoy it when it's given to you. Clinging on, crying, fighting."
"Hey!"
"Just kidding."
Heat rushed to my face, and I scread involuntarily. I covered my mouth afterward, but it was already too late. Go Yohan, however, didn't care at all and, with a towel on his head, he casually flicked his genitals with his index and middle fingers, throwing such words at .
"Wanna use it?"
Unable to bear it anymore, I ran back into my room. Even then, the image of the twisted scar on the inside of Go Yohan's thigh haunted in my mind. It seed Go Yohan either thought it was invisible or had montarily forgotten about his scar.
Does it make sense that the witness cares more about the scar than its owner? Especially if it's the trigger for sexual arousal.
Really, I'm definitely caught by a completely crazy bastard. No, I'm definitely the crazy one.
****
Lately, Go Yohan has been exuberantly happy. I couldn't fathom why. A few days ago, I saw him sitting alone on the couch, suddenly giggling to himself late at night without any lights on. It started happening after I showed him that crumpled ticket. Could he really have wanted to go to the amusent park that badly?
Co to think of it, it's been three years since I got to know Go Yohan, and not once did we go sowhere with a purpose.
If there's an excuse, it's my fault. I lived a bit tightly to recover from the ruined grades of the first sester. Still, the dutiful life that Go Yohan enjoys, I thought he'd feel the sa way I did, but I never expected him to be so happy about it.
From the elevator to the common entrance, Go Yohan hopped rhythmically like the fingers pressing piano keys. What do they call it, skipping? He’s not even a kid. And he even flicks his thighs with his fingers. Humming a tune, he walked down the stairs, and I asked him casually.
"Are we starting too late?"
It was already around 2 PM. The late start was a joint creation of mine, who doesn’t like going out much, and Go Yohan, who always takes everything easy. I think again, but the values of my life and Go Yohan's are subtly similar.
"To the amusent park?"
"Yeah. Is it too late?"
"I don't think so."
At my question, Go Yohan stopped his light steps.
"Anyti is good."
I knew it. I wore a smug expression and subtly boasted about the ticket I had pulled out. This, I got it myself. Honestly, I got the ticket almost by fluke.
But now, I decided to put aside such trivial words. I think I did well, right? Isn’t it ti to show off? It’s not often I get to boast openly to Go Yohan. Right? I subtly straightened my shoulders and gloated.
"I bought it."
"Really? Oh, good job."
"And I got it cheap."
"Well done. Really impressive."
Go Yohan snickered and flicked my butt. Complints make Kang Jun dance. However, my smugness quickly deflated when Go Yohan reached into his pocket and pulled out sothing held between his index and middle finger. It was a small, square piece of plastic held in his unusually large hand.
"What’s that… wait, is that a car key?"
I squinted and looked again. It was indeed. It was still a car key.
That's absurd. Why would Go Yohan have that? Wait, does Go Yohan have a license? Or a car? I knew about the motorcycle… The proudly presented ticket felt pitifully inadequate, and shock ca over like a sudden downpour. I hesitantly took what Go Yohan handed . My 'maybe' hasn’t changed. Has my 'maybe' ever changed before?
"…What is this?"
The card was just an ordinary credit card. It even had ‘Yohan is allowed to drive’ written on it.
"Let’s have a wild ride with the Lord backing us."
"Are you insane? I don't want to die."
"Ha, kid. So fussy."
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