“This young lady loves you, Your Lordship.”
“Yes. I see that your bullshit is bitter. Just go to sleep.”
It seems Farnese had gone insane for some unknown reason as she had abruptly confessed her love to me, but I had kindly turned her down in less than 3 seconds. This girl has always been crazy, so her confessing to me was not even slightly bewildering.
Farnese expressionlessly contemplated.
“······How strange. What is the issue? Humble as this young lady is, this young lady’s beauty is quite exceptional. If this young lady were to speak closer to the truth, then this young lady has yet to meet a woman who is more beautiful than this young lady. Is Your Lordship truly a eunuch?”
“Oh? Is it because you have just returned from playing with fire? You’re spouting nonsense with that mouth of yours.”
“
······This young lady loves you? I love you, Your Lordship? This young lady believes that she loves you, Your Lordship. I adore you. I cherish you? I am loving you? This young lady truly loves you. This young lady devotes her time to you, Your Lordship. This young lady’s sun. This young lady’s midday. This young lady’s light and melody. The sunlight that shines down upon the clumps of ash.”
“Now you are spouting bullshit.”
“This young lady wishes. This young lady hopes. This young lady desires. This young lady wants Your Lordship to turn this young lady’s time into a melody. Your Lordship······? Oho. I see. Ehem. Was that the problem?”
What did she realize?
Farnese looked at me confidently.
“This young lady loves you, father.”
“······.”
I hit Farnese by the back of her head.
What she referred to me as was not the issue here. My daughter who is sick at heart. This lunatic child.
“Who’s this? Who could this beee?”
Additionally, the witches had all returned with their lives intact and they were now in the middle of bullying Ivar Lodbrok. Ivar Lodbrok was sitting motionlessly in our camp, so they were skipping around him and spieling amongst themselves.
“No matter how I look at it, it appears that there’s a familiar bat here. As his mug is a bat and his physiognomy is a bat, there’s no doubt that this is seriously a bat-like bastard. The fellow who made me believe that, throughout my entire life, I would never be able to meet a person who’s more bat-like than him, seems to be right before my eyes—?”
“Strange, how strange. From what we can remember, this is definitely a fucking bastard, but why is a fucking bastard residing in our master’s military camp? Has our master finally decided to take in even fucking bastards? Aha aha, as days go by, our master’s royal grace is being more ravenous.”
“······.”
Ivar Lodbrok stayed seated and merely kept his mouth shut, not giving the witches any sort of response. However, if I were his lawyer, then once more, I would have advised against pleading the Fifth here. To the witches, the opposition’s response did not matter to them by even the smallest, littlest, or tiniest amount after all. Look. Are the witches not happily performing a circle dance around Ivar while holding each other’s hands now?
“We thought—.”
“Thought and thought again—.”
“Thought like a person who had nothing to do except think about that—.”
“The fact that our master was confined in a cell for a week.”
“Aah, that fact means our master was unable to wash for an entire week.”
“Aah, that fact means our master was unable to fap for an entire week??????.”
“Ah, such grief. La-di-da, such grief.”
“We thought.”
“Since ancient times, if a male skips a day of fapping, then it’s both joyous and sorrowful.”
“Thought and thought again.”
“If they skip two days, then it’s a tragedy. If they skip three days, then it’s an atrocity.”
“Thought like a person who had nothing to do except think about that.”
“Aah, alas, such grief. Our poor master, our master who was unable to fap for an entire week. As your faithful subjects, there’s no way that we wouldn’t sing a song about it.”
“Ah, such grief. La-di-da, such grief.”
“We thought.”
“About Master’s long period of no fapping?”
“Thought and thought again.”
“About Master’s pitiful no fapping!”
“Thought like a person who had nothing to do except think about that.”
“Ah, such grief. La-di-da, such grief.”
“Look at those dwarves with small maws, look at those wolf bastards with long maws, look at those sons of horses with long and pointed mugs, and look at those pigs with plump stomachs. Ah, everyone e close and look at the blood-sucking old man over there. We’ll sing a single plaintive melody, so listen.”
“······.”
In the end, those crazy girls started to sing in unison.
An old man asked
Which Demon Lord has the largest penis in the world
We answered
The person’s name is Dantalian with a sorrowful penis
The old man inquired
How impressive must it be for you all to praise it so
We replied
It is a penis that shoots faster than the wind
It is a penis the hair of which is denser than a forest
While it is a penis that is hotter than fire
It is a penis that is more steadfast than a mountain
But what is the point
Since there was no place it could be used for over a week
That is clearly the most pitiable penis in the world
Thus, we sing like this
The person’s name is Dantalian with a sorrowful penis
Dantalian with the saddest penis in the world
“······.”
I went silent.
“······.”
Ivar Lodbrok went silent as well.
“Ah. Referentially, this young lady was the one who had posed this song, Your Lordship. Since this young lady’s genius, which resonates throughout the world, has gone into this, you can be moved and cry as much as you desire. Even this young lady must admit that quite the good chord has gone into this.”
The lunatic did not go silent.
Eventually, Humbaba, the leader of the witches and the Captain of the Royal Guard, spread both of her arms out wide.
“Dantalian with the saddest penis in the woooooorld—.”
It wasn’t until she had sung this line passionately that the madness had reached its zenith and then subsided.
It seems that the witches were most likely under the illusion that they were actresses in a cheap opera right now. It was an incredibly eccentric scene, but at the same time, it was not eccentric at all. If you considered the fact that their brains are usually in the state of being steamed by drugs, then this was not strange at all.
“See? I said that I made a super great song, didn’t I? Ahahah. How was it, my beloved fellow witches? Do you girls now admit that I do indeed possess quite the amazing artistic talent?”
“I admit it.”
“I concede.”
“It’s something that I must admit.”
“It’s also something that I can’t not admit.”
“Sorry, Master! We were originally going to e back to your side a little sooner, but listen to this. There were human prisoners loitering about waaay over there, you know? Ehem, aha, ehem ehem, as experts of both torture and execution, it’s not like we couldn’t bestow upon them our kindness.”
“Well, executions nowadays aren’t able to vivify the feeling of the past no matter what they do. pared to the past, the world has bee quite weak.”
“That’s right. Back in my day, when they cut your flesh, they didn’t cut it normally. If anything, you’d be thankful if all they did was cut your flesh. They used to tear off all of your skin, pour a potion on top of your bare flesh, healing you pletely, before tearing it off again. I was able to endure that twice, but it started to get difficult after the second time.”
“Eh, only two times? Are you saying that as if that’s some sort of experience? I’m able to stay sane for at least the first 5 times, girly.”
“I’m not trying to brag, but I didn’t lose my senses even when my internal organs had been cut into pieces and my flesh had been peeled off thirty times. On the contrary, my mind became clearer each time my flesh was ripped off, so it felt as if something like torture could not possibly invade my prestigious mind.”
“I wonder about that. Instead of saying that you didn’t lose your senses, I feel like that just means you were never sane since the moment of your birth.”
What the hell are these girls talking about?
I had a faint headache.
If a person possessed a mouth, then they should be making sounds, but these girls were babbling while only letting out noises. Therefore, I was certain that the things which these girls possessed were not mouths, but assholes.
“You all may not know this, but I’m a witch who had her blood sucked by a vampiric archduke back when I was really popular. It’s a bit embarrassing to say in front of you girls, but in truth, my lineage is so great that I actually shouldn’t be hanging around with girls like you.”
“Rather than words being said to our faces, those sound like words you’re saying to our butts.”
“I smell a fart ing from somewhere. Did someone fart?”
“It wasn’t me.”
“It wasn’t me either.”
“Why are you looking at me? It absolutely wasn’t me either. You can easily tell just by looking at my innocent face that my butt isn’t a butt that would fart.”
“It’s more suspicious because you’re denying it that much. The thought that it’s undoubtedly you since you’re denying it like this es to mind. Ah. I was perfectly logical just now.”
“You’re suspicious for suspecting me so much. I don’t know if you’re perfectly logical or not, but I know for certain that you’re a perfectly crazy bitch.”
“Judge, please enter.”
“Now then, now then. From what I can tell, this is quite the foul incident. Just from its scent, you can tell that this flatulence doesn’t have the normal kind of foul stench.”
“What is the verdict, then, Your Honor Humbaba? The people are currently rioting outside of the court of law. Please remember that it was the people who had appointed you as the city’s judge.”
“The political judge who acmodates witches should step down!”
“Step down! Step down! Step down!”
“Ehei, ehem. Sheesh, this is troubling. Calm down, you lot. If it wasn’t you, me, or any one of us, then I’m certain that the one behind this flatulence incident is none other than our master.”
“What was that?”
“This is an unexpected conclusion.”
“Do you have evidence? Evidence?”
“The smell of the flatulence itself proves who its owner is. The reason why the smell of this flatulence is so foul is due to the fact that our master had held it in throughout the entire week he was imprisoned and had just now let it loose.”
“That’s nonsense!”
“Were those words just now or was that a fart? The judge is the one farting right now!”
“Boooo! Witch trial! Let’s do a witch trial!”
“Whoa there. Ehem. If you perhaps object to this verdict, then this judge will have no other choice but to suspect that one of your adorable butts was the one to have mitted this crime······.”
“A flawless verdict.”
“Acknowledged.”
“As expected of Captain Humbaba. That was a beautiful verdict.”
“······For Lord Dantalian to have been the culprit behind the fart······. This is all my fault. If I had known sooner, if I had realized a little sooner······.”
“No, Euryale. It isn’t only your fault. Our apathy towards His Highness Dantalian’s butt is what had brought upon this tragedy.”
“Big sis······.”
“My son!”
“Damn it, this is touching. It’s been over 50 years since I was appointed as a judge, but this is the first time I’ve witnessed such a sorrowful scene. It’s impossible for this judge to not shed tears here.”
“What a coincidence. After watching all of your conducts, this great one could shed tears of blood.”
I was watching over these crazy girls while wondering how much of their brains they had thrown away in a ditch. The more I watched them, the more I grew curious about the name of the bastard who was crazy enough to make these girls into their Royal Guard. If it weren’t for the fact that that crazy bastard was me, then I may have been a bit more curious.
“Ahahah, master.”
Hop.
Humbaba skipped towards me and stuck out her cone hat.
Curious as to what this girl was now up to, I looked down and saw that there was a bunch of dirt inside of her hat. After examining the muddy pile of dirt a bit more, I saw that it was a pile of dirt with several dandelions sticking out of it.
Did she put them in her hat without even dusting the dirt off from their roots? There were dandelions contained in the witch’s hat. I knitted my brows.
“What is this?”
“We contemplated and contemplated about what the likes of us could possibly give to you, Master, as a gift to celebrate your release. No matter how much we thought about it, we weren’t able to think of a gift that could make you happy, Master. Even if the likes of us were to offer Master our bodies, Master has always been a eunuch, so what good would that do when you won’t taaaake us?”
“I see that you girls believe that every male in the world must respond to you. How should I fix that misunderstanding of yours? If anything, do you not know that there are only a small minority of males in the world that will respond to you girls?”
“Master’s absolute majority is mistaken. History proves otherwise.”
“I do not wish to know about that sort of history······.”
For there to be a history where responding to these girls was the correct thing to do and not responding to them was the wrong thing to do. What was that supposed to be? The Necronomicon? Was this like a textbook of evil or the Devil’s scroll of incantations?
Humbaba shoved her left hand into her hat. The left hand which I had maimed by severing the ring finger of at one point in time.
There was a lot of moisture in the clump of dirt, so the inside was exceedingly dirty. Even if it was unclean, that dirt was unclean because it was alive. The small witch in front of me plucked a dandelion, which was unclean because it was still alive, with a ‘snap’.
“Master. Ahah. It’s a bit late, but.”
After she placed the dandelion behind my ear.
“Congratulation on your release!”
She smiled radiantly.
Reviews
All reviews (0)