༺ Chapter 170 - ???’s Diary (2) ༻
Soren looked up from the diary.
The sun had already climbed high.
The soft orange from earlier had turned into a clear, pale light cutting through the clubroom curtains, and the shadows on the floor had shifted away from his feet.
He couldn’t tell how long he had been reading.
He only knew that his neck hurt, his back ached, and his eyes stung.
Even so, he couldn’t move.
It wasn’t that he didn’t want to.
It was that his body refused.
His fingers stayed curled around the leather cover, his thumb pressed against the roughened edge of a page that had been turned too many tis.
His eyes hovered over the last line he had read, but didn’t move on.
He exhaled slowly.
It shook on the way out.
He understood now.
He understood the original Soren’s thoughts, how he had to read until the end, to find out what happened.
He understood that stubborn, desperate need to know.
To see what Freya had really thought of him.
To know whether, in the end, she had seen him as a chore, as a mistake, as dead weight.
To know whether she had thought he was a coward.
Or whether, until the very end, she had still called him “Ren” or “little brother” inside her own head.
At the sa ti, fear curled in his stomach.
Fear that sowhere along the way, she had grown tired of him, or that while she was at the academy, she had simply… forgotten, or even that those warm lines in the early pages would cool and thin until he disappeared from them entirely.
‘Every ti it happens, I can’t help but feel strange.’
His thoughts didn’t line up with his actions.
This wasn’t the first ti.
There had been other monts where his body moved ahead of his mind, where his mouth spoke before he could think, where old instincts that shouldn’t belong to him dragged him forward.
But this was the most extre.
Right now, he could feel both layers clearly.
The Soren who had transmigrated.
And the Soren who had grown up in that house.
He finally pulled in a breath deep enough to steady his hands, lowered his gaze back to the small, cramped words on the next page, and continued reading.
••✦ ♡ ✦•••
5th Day of the Birch Sun, Year 343.
I didn’t write much yesterday because I was interrupted.
I was going to write about how I should have told Ren, how it was too hard to do it now.
But before I could write down all of that, he ca running into my room in tears.
He must have overheard it from a servant or sothing. There was no way anyone would tell him.
I should be grateful, though, because of that I was able to speak to him properly for the first ti in a long ti.
Both he and I, we had been hiding our emotions, trying to make sure the few tis we t were nice, that they were comfortable.
But last night, they exploded.
Ren bawled his eyes out for hours.
It took all I had not to cry with him.
Seriously, it’s hard to believe that I’m an adult sotis…
Anyway, and Ren made a promise.
I said that after I finished at the academy, I would co ho and sweep him off his feet like he was so sort of princess.
My cute little brother was worried that I would forget about him… that would never happen.
No matter what happens at the academy, I will return for him.
••✦ ♡ ✦•••
He flipped the page.
The handwriting beca a little neater, and the dates moved forward.
The next entries detailing her life at Stellaris Academy were short, barely more than notes, as if she was writing just to keep the habit her mother had forced on her years ago.
••✦ ♡ ✦•••
26th Day of the Birch Sun, Year 343.
Sohow, I got the top rank of Martial Studies.
I’m not sure how, but it happened.
Everyone made a fuss about it.
I hope Ren is doing okay.
••✦ ♡ ✦•••
23rd Day of the Rowan Moon, Year 343.
We had our mock duels the other day.
I won them all.
For so reason, a girl keeps trying to talk to .
She’s persistent.
••✦ ♡ ✦•••
23rd Day of the Juniper Sun, Year 343.
I made a friend.
Her na is Ina.
She’s one of the top-ranked students in Arcane Studies.
She’s strange, but fun.
She keeps dragging around.
It’s annoying… but not in a bad way.
••✦ ♡ ✦•••
5th Day of the Sycamore Moon, Year 343.
We had our midterms not long ago. They weren’t too difficult.
It seems Mother’s teachings weren’t all a waste.
Ina complained she only got second place.
She’s childish.
••✦ ♡ ✦•••
Soren’s eyes traced the lines slowly.
He didn’t rush.
These parts weren’t about him.
They were about a life he hadn’t seen.
Freya joking about exams.
Freya being pulled around by a strange girl.
Freya making a friend.
He could feel sothing like relief in his chest.
“Good,” he muttered.
At least, during those four years, she hadn’t been alone.
At least soone had laughed with her.
At least not every day was filled with training and anger.
He turned more pages.
The tone stayed flat and simple for a while.
Short notes about classes, duels, assignnts, and occasional complaints about the dorm food.
Then the date shifted.
Sumr break.
The ink pressed deeper into the paper here, as if the pen had bitten down harder.
••✦ ♡ ✦•••
27th Day of the Kukui Sun, Year 343.
I was planning to go ho today.
Finals ended yesterday, and sumr break began.
I was happy, I thought I would be able to see Ren again after so long.
But I got a letter this morning.
It was from Mother.
She told that I wasn’t allowed to return ho and that Ren was doing fine.
The letter didn’t have any ntions of what she would do if I did go back, but I knew what Mother was like.
Her letter was a warning.
It was her way of telling that if I ca ho, then Ren would no longer be ‘fine’.
Ina found while I was reading the letter and told that I could spend the break with her.
I felt bad about intruding, but I didn’t know what I might do if I stayed at the academy alone.
Ren, please be okay.
••✦ ♡ ✦•••
Soren’s jaw clenched.
He could almost see Sofia’s neat handwriting in his mind.
The polite phrasing, the gentle tone, the poison underneath…
“So she did that too,” he said quietly.
It wasn’t enough to ignore him.
It wasn’t enough to lock him away and treat him like a stain.
She had even used him as a leash on the one person who had stood up for him.
He flipped through more pages with a hardened expression.
After that letter, the diary changed.
The entries shrank.
One or two sentences most days.
Sotis nothing but a date with a single line.
– Training was hard.
– Ina is annoying.
– I miss Ren.
– Lulu is doing well.
– Mother sent another letter. I didn’t open it.
Sotis, the handwriting was so ssy it was almost unreadable, ink sared in places where her hand had clearly shaken.
He couldn’t make out every word, and he didn’t try to force it.
He kept moving forward until the dates shifted again.
Four years.
Just like that.
Four years turned in a few thin clumps of paper.
••✦ ♡ ✦•••
23rd Day of the Pine Moon, Year 346.
I can finally go ho.
It’s been four years.
Four long years without seeing him.
I hope he’s okay.
When I get ho, I’m going to take Ren away.
He’s sixteen now. He’s too old to be locked away in an estate without ever seeing the outside world.
I have to show him that there is hope out there.
I promised him I would.
Ina said she’ll visit soday if I do.
I hope she doesn’t scare him.
••✦ ♡ ✦•••
26th Day of the Pine Moon, Year 346.
I got ho today.
I don’t know what I was expecting.
What did Mother do to him?
Why is he acting like this?
Ren, I’m sorry.
I’m so sorry…
••✦ ♡ ✦•••
The entry ended abruptly there.
Just a handful of lines.
No explanation.
No detail.
Just raw shock leaking through the gaps.
Soren exhaled slowly and flipped to the next page.
The ink here was ssy.
There were places where the nib had dug too deep.
Places where drops of water had fallen and made small star-shaped blooms in the text.
Tear stains.
He held the page carefully and read.
••✦ ♡ ✦•••
27th Day of the Pine Moon, Year 346.
Yesterday I was too emotional to write down my thoughts properly, so I’ll give a basic summary now that I’ve cald down.
When I got ho yesterday, the servants greeted , but the way they did so was strange.
I was the heir, and yet they looked at coldly. It reminded of how they used to look at Ren…
Anyway, after that, I went to see Mother to report that I was back, but she was busy, so I went to my room and tossed my stuff down.
After, I looked around the estate for a bit, trying to find Ren.
It was only after a few hours that I found him…
He had been hidden away in so run-down room at the edge of the estate.
I’ll try to keep this purely informative without any emotions…
When I opened the door and saw him, the only word I could use to describe him was dying.
His cheeks were gaunt, and his skin was so pale that it looked like a corpse, and his eyes… there was no life behind them.
I don’t know what Mother did to him, what the servants did to him, but it was clear that Ren was on the verge of death.
At that mont, I couldn’t hold it in anymore.
I ended up destroying a large section of the estate and dragging Mother out of her study by her hair… it was a stupid action, but I couldn’t help it.
She had told ti and ti again through her letters that Ren was fine, that he would only be fine as long as I didn’t return, and yet he was in that state.
When Mother saw my strength, I noticed fear in her eyes.
It was laughable to .
This was the person I had been letting dictate my life… let ruin my precious little brother’s…
While I was dealing with Mother, both Father and Alice ca to see what was going on, along with so of the servants.
I couldn’t stop myself.
Alice, that girl, she used to be so cute. When did she turn into such a monster?
Father… he had never looked at Ren, not once in the twelve years since his adoption…
Then there were the servants, people who were paid to remain impartial, to serve the nobles and earn their keep… yet they used their position to harass poor Ren, to belittle him.
I lost control.
Back at the academy, my horoom professor, the dean of Martial Studies, had once warned that my mana was unstable, that there was too much in my body.
He said that if I ever lost control of my emotions, there was a chance that I could self-destruct.
That was why I underwent private lessons with him to keep a rein on my emotions, to make sure I never lost control.
But it was pointless.
How was I ant to be calm in a situation like that?
Mother was badly injured.
I heard she had heavy internal bleeding and would never be able to fight at full strength again.
anwhile, Alice and Father both ended up with broken bones.
So of the servants who were nearby were also injured too, but that isn’t important.
After I finally cald down and regained control of my mana, I went back to Ren’s… room… and lifted him up.
His body was so light…
That night, I left the estate with him.
I couldn’t stay there any longer.
I couldn’t keep Ren there.
Right now, Ren and I are travelling in a carriage.
I’m planning to take him to a village in the countryside, one where nobody would know our nas, just so that Ren can experience so peace, so he can see that the world isn’t as bad as it seed.
He’s asleep next to at the mont, and it breaks my heart to look at him…
I don’t understand how they could do that to him…
I’ll end my entry here for today. If anything cos up, I’ll write it down, but for now I can only hope that things get better.
••✦ ♡ ✦•••
There were small circles on that page.
Light, uneven ones.
Places where drops had fallen and dried.
Soren brushed his face with the back of his hand and realised his own cheeks were damp.
“...What the fuck,” he muttered hoarsely.
He leaned back on the sofa, diary still open in his hands, and stared at the ceiling.
He had known.
He had known that the original Soren’s life had been hard.
That the Arden family had never cared for him, that they had treated him like a tool at best, like trash at worst.
Even knowing that Freya had been the one to take him away from that place.
But knowing was different from seeing it written down like this.
Different from hearing it in her voice.
To know that they had kept her away on purpose.
To know that they had let him rot to the point where his sister could only describe him as “dying.”
To know that the servants had stared at her with the sa eyes they had used on him.
All of it dug under his skin.
His chest ached.
He closed the diary for a second, pressing his palm over the cover as if that might hold everything in place.
Outside the window, the orange light had faded.
At so point, the sky had darkened.
The pale afternoon had slowly slid into blue, and now the moon was already beginning to rise.
He had spent the entire day reading.
From morning until night.
He let out a breath that was almost a laugh.
The fear from earlier was gone.
In its place was a heavy, steady sorrow.
And sothing else.
A quiet, painful gratitude.
Freya had spent most of her life thinking of only him.
From the mont he had entered that house, she had watched him.
Pulled him around, dragged him outside, scolded him, defended him.
Worried over every strange look, every slight, every bruise he tried to hide.
She had gone to the academy with him in mind.
She had endured her mother’s training with him in mind.
She had co ho with the intention to take him away.
She had broken her own life to pull him out.
And he had taken that life and thrown it away.
No.
Not him.
The other Soren.
But they shared the sa face, the sa na, the sa body.
The guilt didn’t care about technicalities.
“…Sorry,” he whispered, though there was no one to hear it.
He wanted to apologise to her.
To tell her he had read it all, that he understood, that he knew now just how hard she had tried, how angry she had been on his behalf, how desperately she had wanted to save him.
But it was too late for that.
Freya Arden was gone.
There was nothing he could do for her anymore.
Nothing except rember.
Nothing except keep reading.
And, so, that’s what he did.
He opened the diary again, fingers steady this ti, and turned to the next page.
————「❤︎」————
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