I drank a lot that night. When I first started drinking, I wanted to make my life better. But by the ti I drank the fourth bottle of beer, my emotions ca out.
Before, I was concerned about most people. But when I was drinking with Bai Haotian, I was suddenly only concerned about myself. Everything I did in the past beca clear and simple. I understood what I wanted for the first ti. Before I lost consciousnesswhen it was only and the alcohol leftI especially understood what I wanted.
I drank heartily that night. When I was alone with my thoughts during the past ten or twenty years, I always felt panicked and weak. But at this mont, I finally understood sothing.
"I always hope that I won't let people down, I said to Bai Haotian. Although it's very difficult, Ive finally lived to the point where I can be satisfied when only that one person isnt disappointed."
Bai Haotian was terrified. I didn't know what I said to her after drinking too much, or even how I got ho.
That night, I heard a lot of voices in my ear. They sounded like Uncle Three's, Uncle Two's, and my parents voices. I had always been clear-headed for so many years that it was rare for to be so muddled for once. I knew that when I woke up, I would rember my thoughts when I was drunk. I saw how pure I was back in the day and felt like I wanted to cry.
I dread of the lama temple in Tibet and the ribbon floating in my dream. I dread of everythingfrom my sense of belonging, to where my life belonged in the grand sche of thingsbut I dared not touch, stress, or solidify them. I was afraid I wasnt worthy of those mories and tis. Even though I had done so many things and controlled so many other people, I still didnt dare say any beautiful words.
This was the first ti I didn't want to sober up. I really didn't want to. In my illusions, my emotions didnt need to be suppressed and rational. Everything about was fixed at that first mont. I hoped to be strong and mature enough at that ti.
I fell into a deep sleep and realized at the last mont that dreaming was aningless. I looked at Uncle Threes code and knew what I would think of tomorrow. That was what I had to do.
****
They're acting like we might lose power with all this snow and ice so if I go MIA for a few days, I'm not dead in a ditch or anything, just don't have power lol. I think it'll be fine, but who knows. I also went ahead and put "Ten Years Later" into a pdf yesterday since I felt like it didn't really need any work (unlike the previous volus I'm still slowly working on lol). Link is here. Ya'll stay safe out there~~
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