Mother kept repeating how sorry she was, still crying. As ti passed, my eyes wandered left and right. I couldn’t bring myself to pull my hand away while Mother was holding my hand and crying sorrowfully, but it was an awkward situation where I didn’t know what to say to comfort her.
I could hear quiet sniffles sowhere behind . The head maid was crying, too. Now I was completely surrounded.
“Mother, I’m fine. You don’t need to be sorry.”
Realizing that leaving this situation unchecked would lead to an unbearably depressing atmosphere, I quickly spoke up to soothe her. Although it was just an obvious statent, I had to say sothing—anything—at this point.
Then again, what else was there to say? It wasn’t like I had ever resented her or suffered under her care.
“I ca to see you after a long ti, but it makes feel bad too if you just keep crying.”
As I spoke as gently as possible, the tears falling drop by drop on the back of my hand began to decrease.
Was it natural for a mother who cried out of guilt to stop when her son told her it upset him? Even I wasn’t sure. It sohow felt like I was blackmailing her.
“Have you eaten?”
I cautiously spoke to Mother as she gently wiped her eyes, seemingly having stopped crying completely. The head butler asked to make sure she ate sothing. I wouldn’t get another chance if I didn’t bring it up now.
“She hasn’t eaten yet.”
The head maid seed to have the sa thought and quickly answered, cutting off Mother, who was hesitating. She added that Mother hadn’t been able to eat due to repeatedly crying and fainting, and had only just started to drink water. It was enough to drive one crazy.
I already knew she hadn’t been eating—both the head butler and the family mage had told . But hearing it confird by the woman who personally attended her made it all the more real.
“Head Maid. Please bring sothing light to eat.”
“N-No, I’m fine—“
“I’ll eat with Mother, so please bring enough for two.”
At those words, Mother closed her mouth again. She must’ve realized that it ant her son would fast alongside her if she refused.
It was an underhanded thod of using myself as a hostage, but it couldn’t be helped. It was Mother who worsened the situation to the point where such thods were necessary. She brought this upon herself.
“Yes, I’ll bring it right away.”
The head maid left the bedroom quickly, as if seizing an opportunity that would never co again.
Her steps, which were almost as if she was running, made it painfully clear just how difficult things had been for her these past few days.
***The head maid brought two bowls of rice porridge. In a world like this, I would’ve expected oatal to be the normal choice for a sickbed al. But at this point, I wouldn’t even be surprised if soone brought out a plate of kimbap instead.
Besides, wasn’t oatal sowhat hard to digest? Considering Mother’s condition, this was probably better.
“It’s a bit hot.”
After stirring the porridge a few tis to cool it, I brought a spoonful to Mother’s lips.
Her hands were still trembling. She barely had the strength to hold my hand earlier—there was no way she’d be able to hold a spoon without spilling everything.
“I-It’s okay. I can manage—“
“I’m not okay with it.”
I cut her off firmly, ignoring her outstretched hand. There was no way she’d be able to hold the spoon properly. No matter how I looked at it, the only future I saw involved porridge spilling all over the bed.
“Please eat. The Young Master seems very worried.”
Mother finally put the spoon in her mouth only after the head maid chid in. She hesitated for a long ti before eating even then, but it was already fortunate that she ate at all.
“Is the temperature okay?”
“Yes. It’s warm and good for eating.”
Mother swallowed the porridge and answered with a small nod.
“Please have more. You should at least finish one bowl.”
Since she seed fine with the first bite, I scooped another spoonful and held it out. It would be too cruel to give her just one bite.
Thankfully, she didn’t refuse this ti. Though she still looked embarrassed, she silently accepted each bite.
“I’m sorry. I should have co as soon as the assembly ended.”
I cautiously spoke up as the bowl was emptying, apologizing for not showing my face even though my participation in the war was confird.
Telling her that I planned to visit before leaving, or that I had already spoken with the Patriarch—none of that mattered now. She had already collapsed from the shock. Making excuses after the fact was nothing short of shaless.
And Mother, who had been quietly eating, suddenly froze.
“Do you really... really have to go?”
Maybe because she had just finished crying, or maybe because the warmth of the food had cald her down, but her voice was steadier than before.
Of course, it was only better compared to when she was crying her eyes out. Even now, tears were welling up in her eyes.
“You’re busy at the academy, aren’t you? Y-You’ll have to get married soon, and you’ll be busy with the Prosecutors’ Office’s work during the vacations.”
Seeing Mother desperately bringing up various excuses made feel sorry for her.
In fact, Mother probably knew, too. My participation in the war couldn’t be stopped, and nothing could be placed above the war no matter how busy I was with marriage and various matters.
And that knowledge—realizing she had no power to stop this—was what had made her collapse in the first place.
“It’s alright. I’m only going as a military inspector, not to fight.”
That was all I could offer her. Since it was impossible to avoid the war, I should at least try to assure her of my safety.
“Soone else could go as the inspector. You don’t have to go. If you’re not going to fight, why does it have to be you...?”
But her words piercing the core of the matter made freeze for a mont.
She was right. There was no need to send if the Emperor wanted a non-combat inspector. But that wasn’t why I had been chosen.
I was there as a piece the Emperor could move onto the battlefield at any mont. A weapon designed to pressure the nomads.
“You’ve already fulfilled your duty by participating in the last war. Can’t you just return the title and withdraw?”
The Patriach’s image overlapped with her as she begged.
The Patriarch also told that I’d done my duty so I could skip this ti, and he also told to return the title and step back. As expected of a married couple, they were alike. But maybe it was simply the shared heart of a parent.
“Father said the sa thing: that I don’t need to participate in this war.”
Mother quickly nodded as I spoke with a slight smile, as if begging to follow the Patriarch’s advice.
I almost laughed, though it wasn’t the right mood for it.
The Patriarch I had always imagined was a cold-blooded loyalist, one who would not hesitate to send his own son to war for the sake of the Empire.
The gap made want to laugh. No, there was no gap to begin with. It was just my prejudice and misunderstanding.
“I understand both of you. How could I not? You’re both worried about .”
Hope filled Mother’s face as I continued gently.
Seeing that made feel guilty. After all, the words I was about to say would completely destroy that hope.
“Head Maid. Could you step out for a mont? I have sothing important to tell Mother.”
“Yes, understood. Please call if you need anything.”
Unlike Mother who seed hopeful, the head maid seed to sense my firm resolve and retreated with a sowhat dark expression.
...It’s ti to tell her.
I turned back to Mother after confirming the head maid had left.
Yes, I had to tell her about Hecate. About them. If I wanted her to understand why I needed to go to the north, I needed to explain.
“Mother.”
“Yes, tell .”
“I almost got married a few years ago.”
Mother’s eyes widened at this sudden statent.
***I spoke as carefully as possible, speaking gently while keeping it short. Mother had already collapsed multiple tis—she might faint again if I told her everything outright.
“My friends... and my lover fell there. As the one left alive, I have a responsibility to return there and finish everything.”
And that was the right choice. Even with my carefully packaged words, Mother’s complexion drastically turned pale.
“So, Mother. I appreciate your concern, but I have to go.”
I reached out and took her hand, but she didn’t react. She just sat there, blank-eyed, as if she were lost in a daze.
“...I really am a useless mother.”
Even her response that ca after a while was full of self-loathing.
“My son suffered through sothing so terrible, and for years... I didn’t know. And now, instead of helping him find peace, I’m standing in his way...”
It was only natural that she didn’t know. I never told her in the first place, after all.
“And even now, even after hearing everything, I still don’t want you to go... What a ss of a mother I am.”
It was also natural to feel that way. It was a Mother’s instinct to want her son to be safe.
But Mother didn’t seem to think so as her head gradually lowered.
“I don’t see it that way, Mother.”
At those words, her shoulders flinched.
“You’re not useless. You’re not a ss, either. I’ve never once thought that.”
I was being sincere. She was blaming herself for things that were never her fault. The Great Northern War was a calamity caused by the nomads’ uprising, and my participation this ti was also due to the nomads’ uprising and the Emperor’s orders. Mother bore no responsibility in any of this.
“...In fact, you’ve done more for than you know.”
“What, what do you an?”
Mother raised her head with a dazed voice.
“When I was young, you always made sure I had dicinal herbs after training. You looked after my als and made sure I ate well.”
I smiled slightly at Mother, whose eyes were shaking as if surprised.
“I know that you’ve always taken care of and Erich, even if you didn’t express it in words. Saying that such a mother isn’t helpful is nonsense.”
I hugged her, who still seed too shocked to speak.
“I’ve never once thought that you weren’t helpful, nor have I ever hated you.”
That was the truth. Or at least, it was the truth for the original owner of this body.
In the mories I gained after possessing this body, there was no resentnt anywhere towards the Patriarch and Mother in the mories this body had.
“So please don’t say such things.”
At my firm words, I felt her tremble in my arms.
And I decided to pretend not to notice when I felt the dampness seep into my chest.
***Mother lay down on the bed again. This ti, she fell asleep not from tiredness after crying but because the tension in her body had drained away.
Thank goodness.
I let out a sigh of relief as I left the bedroom. The story about the dicinal herbs and als I told Mother was actually sothing I heard from the head butler before. The original Carl had never known.
Still, the timing worked out perfectly. Instead of just telling her I’ve never blad her, I could say ‘I know you’ve always cared for .’ That was sothing she could truly hold onto. Thank you, head butler. You saved .
And thanks to the original Carl, too. It would have been hard to comfort her if the original Carl had resented his mother, but he didn’t harbor a single grudge even though he didn’t know his mother had been taking care of him behind the scenes.
Was he kind... or just stupid?
It was a bittersweet thought.
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