Unshakeable Hawthorn (3)
I slumped over my desk as soon as I arrived in the classroom. Lately, Ive been feeling utterly drained and unmotivated.
How co I havent seen him even once?
I havent had a chance to et with Carl oppa ever since the second sester started. It was as if all the ti we spent together during the break had been subtracted from this sester. Enen seed exceptionally harsh, strictly applying its rules whenever it suited it.
It wasnt just a string of coincidences that prevented our etings. There were legitimate reasons why I hadnt seen him, which made it all the more frustrating. And there was nowhere to vent my frustrations, too.
If only we were in the sa club.
Ive been thinking that every day since the second sester began. I should have just signed up for the pastry club when Louise said she was starting it. I had no idea things would turn out like this.
Last sester, I could visit the pastry club frequently and see him even though I was in the gardening club. But that was only because the gardening club had a relaxed schedule, and the seniors were accommodating.
Things get really busy at the start of the sester. Just hang in there.
Yes, senior.
Obviously, such accommodations couldnt be expected if the club was busy. As senior said, club activities pile up at the beginning of the sester, and it was the sa last sester. I was avoiding oppa back then, so it wasnt a problem.
It all ca down to the club. This whole tragedy happened because I was in the gardening club and not the pastry club.
Its not like I can just quit now.
I felt more helpless the more I thought about it.
The clubs at the academy werent just for sharing hobbies; they were also a significant part of social circles. With histories spanning decades or even centuries, the number of club alumni spread across the empire was as equally proportional.
Unilaterally leaving such a social network after joining voluntarily? That would definitely make unpopular with many alumni. I would have neither allies nor enemies if I hadnt joined any club, but leaving after joining would only create enemies.
Just a little longer.
Yes, I should just endure it. No matter how tough it beca, it would eventually end. And once it did, I could finally see him again.
Will it be the sa next year?
But this thought suddenly plunged into deeper despair. I was trying to be optimistic, but everything seed ruined now.
Feeling overwheld, I wanted to give up on everything. If I was already feeling like this during the morning, then it was bound to last the whole day. My day was already ruined, so I might as well just sleep it off.
I want to leave early.
Should I just say that I was feeling sick and go ho? Being heartbroken also counts as being sick, right?
While I was plotting this minor escapade, soone touched my shoulder.
Are you sleeping, Irina?
I could tell who it was even without looking up at the voice. It was Louise.
I considered pretending to be asleep, but it must be sothing important if she had gone out of her way to talk to . Besides, I didnt want to ignore Louise.
No, Im just lying down.
Are you not feeling well?
Lifting my head slightly, I saw Louise looking at with concern. My mood lightened just a bit.
Im okay. Im just tired.
Really? Thats good to hear.
Seeing her smile made smile, too. Thanks to her, my heart felt a bit more at peace
Can you co out for a bit? I need to talk to you.
Huh?
Although it was an unexpected request, I didnt refuse. We were just going to a quiet place for a bit, and it wasnt like we were going far.
Besides, Louise rarely asked for private conversations. While I was curious about what was on her mind, I was also a bit worried. I hope it wasnt anything serious.
Ive never been to this place before.
Following Louise, we arrived at a place I had never seen. The academy was so vast that there were many hidden nooks unknown to the students. It was secluded and quiet, a spot seemingly untouched and unknown to others.
Louise really knew how to find such spots. It seed like the perfect place for a confidential talk.
Then, as I was looking around, Louise spoke.
Isnt it beautiful? I learned about this place from a senior.
Yeah, its beautiful.
The area was strewn with flowers, and I couldnt tell whether they were wild or tended. They seed even more beautiful than a well-kept garden.
As we admired the flowers, I naturally relaxed. Although I didnt know why Louise had brought here, I couldnt afford to be stiff when she was trusting enough to speak up. I had to offer her the sa trust.
Listen, Irina. I need to ask you sothing.
I braced and prepared myself, knowing that this conversation might be difficult for her. No matter what she said, I was determined not to let it shake .
Why did you choose a hawthorn plant as a gift for oppa?
Ah.
My resolve crumbled instantly.
Th-that gift?
I tried to sound as nonchalant as possible, but my voice trembled.
It wasnt a recent gift; I had given it last sester. It wasnt a secret gift, either. But why would she ask about it now?
Did she notice?
My heart raced. Louise wouldnt ask this if she thought that it was a normal gift. She must have realized sothing.
And the hidden aning behind that gift was only one thing.
My only love.
Rembering the hawthorns symbolic aning made my hands tremble. Although it wasnt my intended ssage, the hawthorn was more famously associated with the aning of my only love.
Soone else had discovered it. That embarrassing, unintended confession had been exposed. I felt an urge to flee right then and there.
No.
I should calm down. Being found out wasnt necessarily a problem.
Yes, its embarrassing and awkward. I havent even confessed to him, and soone else found out about my true feelings. But whats wrong with liking soone? Theres nothing wrong with that.
I chose it because of its beautiful symbolism. I dont think he knows it, though.
Even if I was still too nervous to be honest with him, I didnt want to lie to others.
The hawthorns flower language ans my only love.
So, I said it with confidence.
To , hes exactly that.
It felt a bit strange that the first person I was opening up to about this wasnt oppa but Louise.
But it should be okay since it was Louise. It was quite common to seek relationship advice from a close friend.
Grit
What was that sound?
***
I unconsciously gritted my teeth after hearing Irinas confession.
It was true. Irina liked oppa, too. I had hoped that wasnt the case and wished that it was just my misunderstanding.
She liked him first.
No matter how I looked at it, she already had feelings for him from the mont she gave him the hawthorn. That was even before I ca to terms with my own feelings during the vacation.
An inexplicable sense of anger began to spread through my heart. No, I knew the reason why. It was infuriating to know that there was soone else ahead of other than Senior.
I would understand if it were Senior. If it were her, Id have no choice but to accept.
You stayed silent, too.
Irina wasnt proactive like Senior. She was silent, just like , and had also given him many gifts.
But I t him first.
I was the one who was close to him first.
It should be first. I shouldnt have to yield to anyone else
Louise, whats wrong? Are you feeling okay?
Irinas concerned voice snapped out of my thoughts.
Seeing Irinas face reminded of everything weve been through. eting her for the first ti, becoming friends, playing together, laughing together, and even fighting at tis.
Im such a fool.
The bitterness consuming turned into self-loathing. How could I feel this way about Irina, of all people? What was I thinking to harbor resentnt against such a precious friend? Plus, it was thanks to Irina that I even had a chance.
If it werent for her, I wouldnt even know I had a chance. Senior may have given permission, but it was Irina who gave the opportunity. To harbor anger against such a person would be shaless of .
Yes, shaless.
How ugly can I get?
I felt ridiculous while reflecting on my actions. Foolish, cowardly, and without dignity. Why was I acting like this?
Despite my frustrations and desires, there were feelings I shouldnt entertain. Blinded by love, I was about to throw away a precious friendship that had brought blessings.
Even the question I asked earlier was strange. Why did I ask about the hawthorn? Was that sothing you should ask soone who gave a gift? What right did I have to interrogate Irina?
Tears welled up in my eyes.
***
It was disconcerting. Anyone would be flustered in this situation.
Im sorry, so so s-sorry
After standing there dazedly for a while, Louise suddenly burst into tears and started sobbing.
I couldnt understand why she was apologizing. However, calming her down was the priority, so I comforted her and wiped her face.
I-I also like him and hearing that you, Irina, like him too
As I dabbed her face with a handkerchief, she continued her fragnted, emotional confession through sobs.
So thats what it was.
I understood the whole picture after piecing her broken words together.
It was jealousy. She was jealous because I liked the sa person she did.
I understood. Even though having multiple wives wasnt rare, it was only natural to feel sad when the man you love was with other won.
Its okay. Youve been honest about it.
Expressing such sadness openly was actually a healthy way to deal with it. So hid their feelings only to lash out at critical monts or show cold disregard or contempt. Compared to that, crying and venting were comparatively cute.
That aside, it was unexpected. If Louise liked soone, I thought it would be one of the five.
Im really sorry, I was wrong
Its okay, really.
As I inadvertently looked at Louise, she started sobbing again.
Why did she call out here if this was going to happen? It was hard to tell if she was strong or delicate.
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