Chapter 46
The office slled the sa—lavender scent as usual—as Katherine stood in front of the door longer than necessary, staring at the brass handle, wondering if it would be easier to turn around and go back. But she couldn’t. She needed to be here and sort her head, emotions. It had been a jumbled ss. Her fingers curled slowly around the handle, pushing the door open.
When she entered the room, everything was as she rembered. The dark blue couch near the window, the grandfather ticking clock above the bookshelf filled with worn psychology books, the sa indoor plant standing tall in the corner like it hadn’t aged a day.
And Dr. Royhan was already seated in her usual chair, her notepad in hand, dressed in a soft pinkish blouse. Her face wore the usual calm, unreadable expression, yet her eyes crinkled at the corners with warmth and welcoming.
Katherine strode to the couch and collapsed in it without saying anything. Her legs folded underneath her and her arms crossed protectively over her chest like a shield. She leaned into her hands and let out a long breath she didn’t know she’d been holding.
"It’s been a while," Dr. Royhan said softly, her tone gentle as she rummaged through a stack of books on her desk, then brought a folder out.
Katherine let out a humourless chuckle. "Yeah, it has been months if not years," she muttered.
Dr. Royhan nodded slowly, not finding annoyance in her sarcastic response. "What brings you back today?"
Katherine stared at the floor, her jaw tightening as her fingers gripped the fabric of her sleeves. She could practically hear her own heartbeat in her ears.
"Aaron’s back," she blurted abruptly, eyes still fixed on a random scratch in the wooden floorboard.
There was no change in Dr. Royhan’s expression, only a subtle shift in posture as she leaned slightly forward, scribbling once in the folder.
"How does that make you feel?"
Katherine scoffed, eyes rolling instinctively. "Like the world mocking and fate drinking red wine to my misery," she chuckled at her uninteresting joke, "well, like I’m trying to balance on sothing that was never stable to begin with."
Dr. Royhan said nothing, just gave her space.
"And the kids..." Katherine continued, her voice softer now. "They love him, instantly. Like... like he was never gone—like he’d always been there." She paused, her chest rising and falling as her emotions tangled into a tight knot in the pit of her stomach.
"Sotis I look at them with him and... I find myself smiling because they’re happy. He makes them laugh. Jasmine always runs to him like he’s the only one. And Hanith—Hanith is comfortable with him now without hiding or shying away."
Katherine swallowed the lump in her throat. "And sotis I also want to scream. Because where the hell was he when I was doing it all alone? Where was he when they had nightmares and were down with sickness and I didn’t sleep for days? When they asked who their father was and I lied because I was confused and wanted to hide them." Tears pricked her eyes, but she blinked them away furiously, wiping a lone tear away harshly.
"It’s not fair," she muttered.
"No, it’s not," Dr. Royhan said simply.
"I hate how easy it is for him now," Katherine whispered. "How they just... accepted him like he never broke . Like he never abandoned and them in my stomach."
"Do you hate him?" Dr. Royhan asked gently.
Katherine didn’t answer right away, her lips parted slightly but no words ca out.
"Or..." Dr. Royhan continued, "do you hate that you still love him?"
Katherine stilled at the therapist’s question.
Did she still love him?
Her heart pulled at the question and she blinked continuously.
The room felt too quiet again. The ticking clock sounded louder now in her ears as her gaze shifted to the wall, eyes unfocused as she stared at a frad art piece—black and white lines swirling into each other with no clear ending.
"Both," she whispered truthfully. She couldn’t deny it anymore.
Dr. Royhan jotted down sothing in the folder. "Tell more."
Katherine leaned back into the couch and rubbed her hands over her face, dragging her palms down like she wanted to erase the tension.
"He has changed," she said finally. "He is more active—should I say forward, persistent—and I can’t deny it," she knitted her brows. "He’s not who he was back then. He’s more... mature, grown, gentle and—" She chuckled hollowly. Didn’t know what to qualify him anymore. The words were at the tip of her tongue but refused to be said.
"It’s like he’s beco the man I wished he was when I needed him most."
Dr. Royhan wrote sothing down again. "How does that make you feel?"
"Complicated," Katherine answered imdiately. "It makes ... hope. And I hate that. Because I built my life on the ashes of what he burned down. I beca stronger without him. I found myself in the silence he left behind. And now..." Her voice cracked. "Now he shows up and he’s doing all the right things. Saying all the right things. Looking at like I still matter. Like he never left that day."
A pregnant pause. "And the worst part is... I see it. I see the effort. I see the growth. I see him trying."
"Do you resent him for trying now?" Dr. Royhan asked.
Katherine took a mont before replying. "No," she said quietly. "I don’t. I think... I think I’m scared. Because if I let myself believe it... if I let myself be swallowed again by him..."
"You’re afraid he’ll leave again," Dr. Royhan finished for her.
Katherine nodded, her head dipping slightly as a tear fell down her cheek.
She wiped it away fast. "I even thought about him last night," she admitted in a whisper. "Like really thought about him—imagined him and rembered us before everything fell apart."
"Do you hate it?" Dr. Royhan asked.
Katherine shook her head. "No. I love it," she replied hoarsely. "Yet..."
"Yet?" Dr. Royhan prompted.
"It makes feel weak. Like I’m betraying myself. Like I’m forgetting everything I went through just because he’s finally stepping up."
Dr. Royhan closed her notebook gently. "Loving soone isn’t a betrayal, Katherine. And growth... change... they don’t erase the past. But they do give you a chance to decide if you’re willing to rebuild."
Katherine bit her lip. Her hands were fidgeting, picking at the seam of the cushion.
"I don’t know if I’m ready to forgive him and let go," she confessed. "And I don’t think I want to love him. But... I do."
"That’s okay," Dr. Royhan said. "You’re allowed to feel that. You’re allowed to be cautious." A small silence passed between them before she added softly, "Just don’t confuse fear with wisdom."
Katherine looked up at her. "What if I already have?"
Dr. Royhan gave a small smile. "Then that’s sothing we’ll work through. One step at a ti."
Katherine nodded slowly, feeling easier with her discussion with Dr. Royhan. She felt relaxed and loosened.
By the ti the session ended, Katherine stood to leave, her eyes t Dr. Royhan’s one more ti.
"I’m not fully ready," she admitted.
"You don’t have to be," Dr. Royhan replied. "But maybe you’re getting there."
Katherine pressed her lips together, then nodded again. And for the first ti in a long while, she believed that maybe—just maybe—she was.
Reviews
All reviews (0)