I found the doctor through a private dical registry that catered to clients who required discretion as a baseline condition of service.
The registry had no connection to any system Charles could access. I had used it once before, years ago, before any of this had begun, and the protocols had not changed. A secure contact form, a verification process that established no paper trail under my real na, and an appointnt conducted in an unmarked suite in a building on the east side of the city that housed three other practices with similarly unremarkable reception areas.
I went on a Thursday afternoon during a window I created by scheduling a eting with a logistics vendor that did not exist. The appointnt took forty-five minutes. The physician was a small, precise woman who asked clear questions and gave clear answers and did not comnt on anything she was not asked to comnt on, which was a quality I had learned to value above almost everything else in a professional context.
She confird it.
Approximately eleven weeks, she said. Give or take four days depending on variables she outlined with clinical patience while I sat on the examination table in my suit jacket and looked at a point on the wall above her shoulder and processed the information with the sa fraction of my functioning that was still operating normally.
Eleven weeks.
I did the arithtic without wanting to. Eleven weeks placed the conception well before the night of the storm, well before Chapter 48’s violence and its complicated aftermath. It sat in the middle of a period that had no single, definitive mont to point to, only the accumulation of months of proximity and the things that had happened between us in the private spaces of that household that neither of us had nad or discussed or acknowledged in the daylight. The things that had happened with increasing frequency, and with decreasing resistance on my part, and with what I had been calling, in the language I used for things I refused to fully examine, inevitability.
Eleven weeks.
The physician said other things after that. Clinical things, practical things, a list of considerations and a referral and a follow-up appointnt she recomnded I schedule within the next two weeks. I listened. I filed the information in the part of my mind that was still running the ordinary machinery of a functional person. I thanked her. I paid in cash. I left.
Outside, the city was conducting itself with its usual indifference.
I stood on the pavent for a mont and looked at the street and felt, for the first ti in a very long ti, genuinely lost. Not strategically uncertain. Not tactically challenged. Lost, in the simple and unmanageable way of a person who has arrived sowhere they did not plan to go and cannot imdiately identify the route back to anything familiar.
I had built the plan on a foundation of leaving.
That was the thing I could not stop returning to on the walk back to the estate, in the cold afternoon air with my hands in my coat pockets and my mind running the sa calculation from every available angle. The plan had always had an end point, a mont after which I would no longer be here, no longer in this city, no longer within reach of Charles Damien or his household or the life I had assembled inside it. I had not always known exactly what that end point would look like, but I had known with absolute certainty that it existed.
Leaving was the architecture the whole thing was built on.
And now leaving ant sothing irreversible.
I could not take back what had already begun. I could make choices about it, the physician had outlined those choices with the sa careful neutrality she brought to everything else, but each of those choices was its own kind of irreversible, and I was not prepared to make any of them standing on a pavent in the cold while my mind was still running the initial calculation.
I was terrified.
The word arrived without my permission and I let it stand because denying it would have been a waste of energy I did not currently have. Terrified was accurate. Terrified was the honest na for the thing moving through my chest as I walked, for the particular quality of the cold that had settled in my stomach, for the way my thoughts kept sliding off the surface of any plan I tried to construct and returning, helplessly, to the sa point.
Eleven weeks.
I was furious at my own body. That was the second thing I let myself na, because it was also accurate and because accuracy was the one discipline I could maintain even when every other form of control had failed. Furious at the suppressants that had failed their function. Furious at the months of proximity that had worn down every barrier I had built. Furious, most specifically, at the part of myself that had not resisted more completely, that had found, in the dark and in the quiet and in the accumulated weight of living beside a man like Charles, reasons to stop fighting sothing I should have fought harder.
I could not tell him.
That was the wall I kept arriving at from every direction. I could not tell Charles, not because I feared his reaction, though I did not know what his reaction would be and that uncertainty was its own particular terror, but because telling him changed the geotry of everything. It gave him sothing. It gave him a piece of this that I could not take back once it was given, and I did not yet know what he would do with it, and I could not afford to hand sothing irretrievable to a man I still did not fully trust.
I could not stay.
And I could not leave.
And I could not tell him.
And I could not undo it.
I arrived back at the estate at four-fifty, which gave forty minutes before Charles would expect for the evening briefing. I went to my room. I sat on the edge of the bed. I looked at my hands.
I was going to have to build a new plan.
I had no idea where to begin.
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