Ash’s pov ;
Sitting on the edge of the couch, I stared blankly at the floor because the sound of Elijah’s crying was still painfully echoing in my head.
My heart felt heavy with guilt and the overwhelming longing to run to his side and hug him tightly. But I couldn’t do it at that ti.
Noah’s voice broke through the silence. "Ash...is this really your final decision?"
I looked up at him, my vision blurred with unshed tears. I nodded, even though it felt like I was tearing myself apart. "If I stay, I’ll keep rembering...I’ll keep rembering that I’m the reason Elijah’s parents are dead. How can I stay after that?"
His gaze softened, sympathy etched into his features. "But leaving...you know it’ll break him, right? He loves you, Ash. If it was past I would have agreed with your decision but after seeing him crying for you like that–"
I shook my head, my heart tightening whenever I rembered his pleadings. "N-Noah...how can he love after all this? How can he look at without hating ?"
Noah didn’t respond imdiately, and I could see the struggle in his eyes. He was trying to find the right words, sothing that would make sense of this ss. But nothing could. Nothing would ever make this okay.
"I don’t want to leave him," I admitted, my voice trembling. "I don’t want to walk away and never see him again. But I can’t stay here, Noah. I can’t stay and watch him suffer because of . Because every ti he looks at , he’ll rember. He’ll rember what I did."
Noah’s sigh was heavy as he cupped my face. "Ash, I don’t think he thinks like that. Just talk to him buddy. He’s hurting, yes, but don’t you think he’d hurt more if you left? If you just disappeared?"
I squeezed my eyes shut, trying to block out the pain. "I know...But he deserves better than this. Better than ."
And then there was a long pause. I couldn’t bring myself to say more, couldn’t articulate the crushing guilt that had settled in my chest, or the fear that if I stayed, I would only make things worse for him.
A few hours had passed since Elijah had left, but his screams and cries still rang in my ears, each one a dagger to my heart. When he had first co back, I’d hidden out on the balcony, hoping he wouldn’t find , hoping I wouldn’t have to face him. But I could still hear him, and every cry tore at the fragile resolve I was barely holding onto.
"I’m a coward," I muttered, more to myself than to anyone else, repeating Elijah’s words. "I’m a coward for leaving him, for not facing this. But if I stay, I’ll destroy him, Noah. I’ll destroy everything he has left."
Noah placed a hand on my shoulder. "You’re not a coward, Ash. You’re just...trying to do what you think is right. But running away doesn’t always make things better."
I knew he was right. Deep down, I knew that leaving would only hurt Elijah more, that it would tear him apart in ways I couldn’t even imagine. But staying...staying felt impossible.
I bit down on my lip, fighting back the tears that threatened to spill over. "I just...I don’t want to be the reason he suffers."
"And leaving will hurt him too," Noah pointed out, his voice firm but kind. "Maybe even more than you staying."
I looked at him, feeling completely lost. The decision felt impossible—stay and continue to hurt Elijah with my presence, or leave and break both our hearts in the process. But deep down, I knew that no matter what I chose, the pain would be unbearable.
"I...I don’t know what to do," I admitted at last.
Noah didn’t have an answer this ti, and I didn’t expect him to. This was sothing I had to figure out on my own, no matter how much it hurt. I just wished there was a way to make it all go away, to undo everything that had happened, to take back the pain I’d caused Elijah. But I couldn’t. All I could do was decide whether to stay and face the consequences, or leave and hope that soday, Elijah could heal without .
But one thing was certain—I was losing him, and the thought of that loss was more than I could bear.
I slumped back against the couch. How did it all co to this? How did everything get so damn complicated? Life...life just felt like one cruel joke after another. Every ti I thought I could breathe, every ti I thought I could find so semblance of peace, sothing would tear it all apart.
"Life...it’s so fucking unfair," I muttered, staring at my trembling hands. "No matter how hard you try, no matter how much you want to make things right, it just keeps throwing shit at you. And when you think you’ve hit rock bottom, it digs the hole even deeper."
I shook my head, trying to make sense of the chaos that was my life. "I thought...I thought if I just worked hard enough, if I just kept pushing forward, things would get better. But it never does, does it? It just gets worse. One bad thing after another, piling up until you can’t even see straight anymore."
Noah didn’t say anything, but I could feel his eyes on , watching as I unravelled.
"I never wanted to hurt anyone, you know?" I continued. "I just...I just wanted to make sothing of myself. I wanted to be soone, to prove that I wasn’t just so worthless kid with a ssed-up past. But life...life doesn’t care about that. It doesn’t care how much you want sothing. It just takes and takes until there’s nothing left."
I swallowed hard, the lump in my throat making it difficult to speak. "And now...now I’m losing the only thing that ever made feel like I mattered. I’m losing E-Elijah, and it’s all my fault. Life gave this one thing, this one person who may have hurt a lot in the past but made feel like I wasn’t completely worthless in the present, and now it’s taking him away too."
I clenched my fists, the anger and frustration boiling over. "How is that fair? How is any of this fair? Why does it feel like no matter what I do, no matter how much I try to do the right thing, I just end up hurting everyone around ? What kind of sick joke is this?"
I was so tired—tired of fighting, tired of pretending that I’m not a murderer, tired of the endless cycle of pain and regret.
"I’m just so damn tired, Noah," I whispered as my chest ached. "Tired of trying to outrun the past, tired of pretending that I’m okay, tired of this life that just keeps kicking when I’m down. It’s like...no matter what I do, I’m always destined to fail. To lose. And now...now I’m losing the only thing that ever mattered."
I looked up at Noah, my vision blurry with unshed tears. He gave a sympathetic look. "How am I s-supposed to keep going when everything I touch falls apart? How am I supposed to stay...when I’m the reason Elijah’s life is ruined? Life...life isn’t just unfair. It’s a fucking nightmare that I can’t...wake up from."
Life has never been kind to . And now, it felt like I was standing at the edge of a cliff, with nothing left to hold onto, nothing to keep from falling.
But the cruellest part? The part that made it all so unbearable? The fact that in the midst of all this ss, in the middle of this never-ending nightmare, I had found sothing—soone—worth living for. And now, life was taking him away too.
"Maybe...maybe it’s better this way," I said, wiping my tears. "Maybe it’s better if I just...let go. Let him go. Because if I stay... if I stay, all I’m going to do is drag him down with ."
But even as I said the words, even as I tried to convince myself that leaving was the right thing to do, a part of rebelled against the idea. A part of couldn’t bear the thought of never seeing Elijah again.
"Life is fucking unfair," I repeated. "It gives you a taste of sothing good, sothing real, and then it rips it away before you can even hold onto it. And I...I don’t know if I can take it anymore, Noah. I don’t know if I can...keep living like this, always one s-step away from losing everything."
I looked at him, pleading for so kind of answer, so kind of reassurance that this wasn’t all for nothing, that there was a way out of this darkness. But I knew there wasn’t. There never had been. Life had always been a struggle, a battle I was never ant to win.
And today, I lost once again against this so-called life.
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