Autopsy of a Mind Chapter 99: Confirmation Bias

"But that is not the point. Is it?" He tilted his head in amusent.

"Then what is the point?" I asked, bewildered. The words he was saying weren't making much sense at that mont, and I had to ruminate over them for a long ti before I could fully grasp them.

"He can't like you, right?" He stated. I scrunched my brow. It made sense.

"It's not logical for him to like ," I stated in agreent. Dr. Knight stifled his smile and appeared serious. "What? Impart your knowledge on ."

"You're a very logical person, aren't you?"

"I would like to think so," I hesitated to answer.

"But what if what you are calling logic is based on statents and 'facts' that can't be proven. Or worse, you are falling back on patterns and histories to draw conclusions."

"But that is the basis of finding aning in things," I argued, lightly.

"Not when you are prejudiced. Do you know what that is called?"

"Confirmation bias," I grumbled. "What I have confirmation bias? What I am biased against?"

He looked at incredulously. "You're an exceptionally intelligent girl, do I need to tell you? Who do you hate most on the planet, Evie?" Well, that was an odd question. I had never 'hated' anyone. I strongly disliked them, I felt disgusted towards them, but I didn't hate anyone.

"I don't think I have ever hated anyone," I murmured. He nodded.

"Let change my question, then. Who do you like the least on this planet?" He asked.

"Well, logically, if I add up the competitors that pertain to the present conversation, I suppose it would be ." I sighed. "I get it. I am biased against . But I wonder if soone as fucked up as can afford to be in a relationship with soone." I looked up at the ceiling.

"Why not?" he prompted.

"It won't work out. My habits, my personality... I am ant to live alone, I have co to accept that. It is difficult for people to accept what happened to or how that changed . People call reckless or stupid for not fearing anything, but that is how I am. I enjoy the freedom of life, I wish to live to the fullest without any constraints and I am not scared of much because I have already been on the brink of death. The pain I felt can't be trumped."

"But what if soone fully embraced your difficult personality. Would you give them a chance?" Now, that was a question worth thinking about. If it were soone else, they would have taken long to answer, but I knew what this ant.

"No," I replied promptly.

"Why is that?" he pressed gently.

"A number of things," I admitted. "I don't want to be bogged down by a relationship and feel powerless," I started slowly. "I don't want to see soone suffer because of my personality."

Dr. Knight scooted his revolving chair and placed himself beside .

"What I heard was you feeling powerless because you don't think you can protect them from what you think is chasing you. You are distancing yourself from others because you constantly think sothing bad will happen to them if they get close to you. Yes, you don't want them to suffer because of you. But it is not just your personality." He pressed his hand on my knee. It did not feel comfortable. I flinched and tightened my fist.

"Then what?" I asked.

"Evie, what happens when I touch you?" he asked. The words sounded wrong at first but I recovered and understood his aning.

"I don't like people touching ," I admitted. "But it is not bad." Lie.

"Why do you not like being touched?" He made no sign that he was going to reveal my lie.

"Everyone has their preferences. I just don't like contact," I shrugged.

"So, if I touched you like this, you won't avoid , right?" He placed another hand on my knee. I flinched but held ground. "You've been honest with so far, Evie. Don't start lying to now," he said firmly.

It was the first ti I had heard him this serious.

"I trust you, therefore I will not pull away. But I am not particularly happy with this situation," I grumbled.

Dr. Knight removed his hand and leaned back against the chair. "There you go. That's all I needed to know." He smiled in approval and encouragent. "I saw you avoiding contact with every person in the waiting room. The space in the corridor was small, but you still managed to stick to the wall to avoid contact."

"Nothing misses your eye, does it?" I chuckled.

"Then? Why do you dislike being touched? Explain your thought to . Imagine, soone you don't know touching you. What thoughts pass your head?"

I paused and thought back to the occasions where soone had tried to hug or touched by accident. "A fear of pain. I fear that their touch will be malicious. I am sure it has sothing to do with my hypervigilance. When I settle in a crowded room, everyone seems threatening. I am constantly thinking about escaping the space. Moreover, the fear that they are out to hurt makes hate their touch."

My thoughts assimilated.

"Good. Then, you know. Anything else?" he asked. I shook my head, unable to think of anything else. "Then I will explain it to you. First, you suffer from magical thinking. Magical thinking is when you assign a set event to take place if you do sothing. Like so people eat the sa food over and over again to bring themselves luck before an exam or big life event. Similarly, you believe that if you get close to soone, they will die. Much like a curse. Maybe you think you will be the one to hurt them or soone will hurt them because of your association, but it is an irrational fear that you hold in your heart." He paused, looking at for consent to proceed.

I nodded.

"Second, you fear intimacy. The touch from another human equates to them inflicting pain on you in your mind. Therefore, you are afraid. A relationship makes you open and vulnerable to another person. When you are even scared of a harmless stranger, imagine being completely vulnerable in front of a person who can do anything they want to you in your most private mont." My eyes widened.

"Third, you hate yourself. You think of yourself as a monster. We have already covered this so I will focus on the first two and get to this. We will get you through this."

I nodded. "Dr. Knight, I am not sure if you are trying to help or scare away from relationships at this point." I gave him a small smile.

"I am laying out your own fears in front of you. What you make of them is up to you. However, it is my job to make you see that there is another way of thinking." He grinned like a Cheshire cat. "To get over magical thinking, jump into it. Get close to soone and see if they get hurt. If your brain sees small incidents that are pure coincidences as proof for your magical thinking, stop yourself. Think about it from a scientific perspective. Use math if you will."

I chuckled. "Understood. So, jump into making a connection to a fellow human." That was certainly one hard howork.

"If it were soone else, they would think I was telling them to jump into a relationship or sothing. Glad to know you are not like the other monkeys," he joked. I pointed towards the file with mirth. "Yes, you already proved yourself."

"Thank you," I chirped.

"As for your fear of intimacy. Desensitization is the best way. Again, you need to jump into it and see. Does the touch of another person really hurt? Start with soone you trust and then slowly expand it. When was the last ti you hugged soone on your own accord?" he asked.

"Not since Alicia took ," I reported.

"Okay, try to start with a handshake. I don't want you overwheld." He gave a piercing look. "And three. Evie, you are not a monster. I can tell you this."

"How do you know?" this made my stomach tighten with panic. "I thought about hurting people." I grimaced.

"Tell the situation," he prompted.

"We were tracking down a serial killer and when I entered his house, I felt rage. I couldn't contain it. I could see he wanted to kill himself but he didn't have the right to. He had hurt so many people. I actually ran after him and caught him. As I held him down, I had the urge to just end him." I gasped.

It was not one of my finest monts.

"Well, did you hurt him?" he asked.

"No. I held him down and snapped out of it. The police cuffed him and took him away but I was so horrified by my thoughts that I couldn't control my body."

Dr. Knight slapped his hand on the table. "You did not act on your thoughts. That is what separates you from a murderer. Even if you had the thought, it was so horrifying to you that you couldn't believe it. You are not a psychopath like you believe, Evie. If you were one you wouldn't feel this guilt. You would never pin yourself as a murderer or think it was wrong. I have t such individuals and let tell you, you are nothing like them."

I gaped at him. "But aren't psychopaths and sociopaths charming and manipulative?" Dr. Knight nodded. "Then how do you tell if they are lying or not?"

"Experience, Evie," he stated. "Just like you are good at your job because of your experience, I am good at mine because I have relevant experience."

"So, if soone tried to dupe you into believing they were insane to get out of trouble, you would find them?" I asked. He nodded.

"But that doesn't an they are ntally fine. If they are lying and manipulating to get out of trouble or mimicking a disease, they have other ntal conditions that need to be addressed." He winked.

"So," I looked up at the watch and said. "Our ti seems to be up." Dr. Knight nodded.

"What do you think your howork is?" Dr. Knight asked.

"Break the pattern of my thoughts and write them down. The ones that co to repetitively need to be addressed. I also need to venture into facing my fears." He nodded.

"Also, about Sebastian. What are you going to do?" I shrugged.

"I may understand what you are saying but I don't believe it." I winked. "But you already knew that, didn't you? So, I will take it slowly. Don't worry, I'm good at separating my work from my personal life."

"Sure," Dr. Knight burst out into laughter. I gave him a mock frown and shook my head before bidding goodbye.