I was born crippled.
Yeah, I know—tragic, right? But don't worry, I coped in the most responsible way possible.
By drinking!
For nearly two decades, I wallowed in self-pity, waiting for life to throw a bone. It never did. But you know what did? Alcohol. Sweet, burning, blissful alcohol. My one true solace. My liquid therapy. My most loyal friend.
Fast forward fifty years, and—surprise, surprise—I died.
Turns out, those little labels on liquor bottles weren't just for decoration. Apparently, when you're pushing seventy, drinking like a frat boy on a bender is not doctor-recomnded. Who knew? Well, aside from the doctors. And the labels. And common sense.
Anyway, my miserable, booze-soaked existence ca to a sudden, unceremonious end. And honestly? Good riddance.
Or so I thought…
Another funny thing: Pretty sure God liked to play gas, because why else would I be born as a cripple not once but twice!?
The first ti, I was at least conceived in the modern world of Earth with a loving family. On my second round of the cripple life, however, I found myself lying in a cold, wet puddle inside a cave of sorts. And although I wasn't too keen on the era, based on the "ooh oohs" and "ah ahs" coming from nearby, I assud it was around the start of the dawn of human civilization.
I died within a couple of days. Yeah, it sucked, but oh well.
Oh, there was one good thing that ca out of the whole ordeal. I learned that dying from lack of nutrients while freezing to death was not a very pleasant experience. Not pleasant at all…
Anyhoo… God—that silly goose—decided I deserved a Round 3!
This ti, I was reborn in what was most definitely a prehistoric world. Funny thing about living among dinosaurs? There were no humans. This also ant that I myself wasn't a human.
Tell , have you ever seen a baby T-Rex with the inability to use its limbs? Yeah, neither have I!
Of course, after being reborn as one of those featherless chickens, I imdiately figured out why that was. All it took was flying out of a dino's coochie, only to be instantly gobbled up by my cross-eyed mother for the whole "No Recorded Dinosaur Cripples" to paint itself a picture in my pea-sized brain.
Yeah, that death was not a nice one, but it was at least better than my second death.
Also, note for Dino Mummy: I'm pretty sure the reason I was born inept was due to the inbreeding you were doing with Dino Daddy!
Then again, those goofy crossed eyes didn't co from nowhere…
Perhaps Dino Mommy's parents were inbreeders as well!?
Must be a family tradition!
Ahem, ahem, where was I again?
Ah yes, the matter of God's unwillingness to give a break. He really wasn't the best at catching the hints I was throwing out while wailing like a banshee.
Wait… God was capable of understanding goo goo gah gah, right?
Well, that wasn't important.
And neither was my fourth life, as it turned out.
I was born into a lovely, lovely family. Standing over were those very family mbers, all dressed in noble attire. I speculated it to have been roughly the Middle Ages, but interestingly enough, there was magic in this world. My parents were able to bend magic to their will—and quite proficiently at that.
I, on the other hand, was… What was the word again?
Oh yeah, a f*cking cripple!
As I quickly figured out on my fourth playthrough, my crippled state was not only limited to my physical extremities; it also extended to my aptitude in magic!
And when those oh-so-lovely parents of mine discovered my ineptitude, they covered it up and swept everything under the rug.
By that, I an they covered my head with a pillow, suffocated to death, then swept my corpse under their rug.
A nice rug, by the way. Really brought out the color in my eyes as I t my Maker.
Speaking of my Maker… Why was it that after so many crippled rebirths, he had yet to show his face to ? Was he afraid I'd fight back or sothing?
Though, considering how he declared my destiny to always be that of a cripple, I find the notion of fighting back to be quite an…
Cripples have feelings as well, ya know…?
So, anyways, my fourth life ca to a grand close!
However, even though the curtains may have been closed shut, there would always be a new day. And as the light seeped through the curtains of my new ho, the curtains to my joke of a life opened up once more!
This ti, I was born as the youngest son of a Duke who ruled a good chunk of a mystical world with dragons and talking donkeys. It had everything! Even those hot elves I'd heard about in my first life!
Unfortunately for my pitiful virgin soul, I was thrown into the gutters as soon as my father learned of my incompetence! Dear Duke Father took one look at , then said, "Nope, that kid ain't mine!"
'As was the natural course of things,' I thought as my life force gradually slipped away in those barren gutters. But seeing as I truly abhorred slow, dragged-out deaths, I was happy to hear the hissings of a massive snake the size of a bus.
I had no clue what that thing was, but it was extrely scary and angry.
However, none of that changed the fact that this snake was my savior—my way to receive a quick and (mostly) painless death!
Yet, just as the snake opened its jaws and lunged at , an old man with a wooden cane ruined things and slew the giant snake. That stinky old codger…
I an, a part of was grateful that he saved . But I'm almost entirely positive I didn't cry out for help or anything; I wanted to die. Hell, I wanted to die four deaths ago!
This old man's saving grace was more botherso than anything. And you can sure as heck bet that I put on the anest wrinkled baby mug while glaring at him.
That stupid old man, however, seed to take this act of mine as a sign of intelligence. This subsequently compelled his senile a*s to pick up and carry away to his secret chambers of wizardry or whatever.
The Dumbledore-like old bastard couldn't read the room at all, even going so far as to dub his damn disciple.
After which, he dropped off a stack of books, instructed to read them, then f*cked right the hell off to Narnia!
Just thinking about that old bastard has really put in a bad mood…
Like, honestly, why in the hell did he believe I was so God's Chosen??
With all his decrepit heart, he believed that leaving a newly born infant to his own devices with a pile of magical books would bring about so divine epiphany and allow the infant to ascend…
No, you dumbfuckadore, I f*cking died!
Gah! The gall of so idiots!
Whatever, let's just get this recap over and done with already. I have so more attribute farming to do, after all.
To sum up the rest of my lives, my sixth life had as a crippled dog. I was beaten to death by so snot-nosed kids within the sa hour.
My 7th Life, I was back to being a human, but I was also unlucky enough to be the sole heir to a Trillionaire's fortune in the 24th Century. I lived on the Moon and stuff; it was cool. However, it wasn't like I was given the opportunity to sightsee for long.
See, as unusual as it was, an alien race had enslaved the entire human civilization. My parents were breeders for the aliens, and when the Alien Masters learned of a crippled human's birth, I was imdiately sent to the platter of so ten-tentacled Gorp Glop Boss.
I was slurped up and devoured, left to rest within a pit of stomach acid.
8th Life was a little weird, for I was reborn in the 28th Century as the son of a common Gorp Glop alien whore. Weirder yet, this life was actually one of my most long-lived ones.
Thirty-seven years.
I wasn't even considered an adult in Gorp Glop culture, but it was still a pretty damn long ti for . Wasn't very pleasant or even enjoyable, but it was tolerable.
On my 37th birthday, though, I was thrown into the Gorplex Worm Hole as a sacrifice to so sort of Worm God that lived on Neptune.
I died, obviously.
9th Life was comparatively more boring. A peasant. Died because my mother was accused of witchcraft, and I, as the spawn of the devil, wasn't allowed to live.
As the simple-minded plebs saw it, a physically inept 8-year-old child was a serious threat to their pig-like lifestyles!
So could say I was a feared figure, haha.
With the start of my 10th Life, I seriously doubted that this life could be any weirder than my previous ones.
However… I was quickly proven wrong.
I was reborn as an… as an… earthworm.
Yeah, a motherf*cking worm!
I hadn't thought things could get much worse than being a glorping purple alien, but these days, I was rarely accurate with my expectations! This was one of those days!
Let alone a day, I wasn't even able to survive past the first hour…
A crippled earthworm—what did that even look like??
An earthworm didn't have limbs to begin with, so what exactly qualified a worm as a crippled worm???
The simple answer: Incapable of wiggling, efficiently breathing, and moving.
That run was naturally a flop!
But with the beginning of my 11th Life, hope spurred inside .
It wasn't hope created because of wishful thinking. Rather, it was just praying for a win.
I really, really, really… needed a win.
Unfortunately…
A fly.
A sh*t-eating, annoyingly buzzing, short-lived insect. That was what I beca.
But that wasn't even the worst of it, for I was actually quite lucky among flies!
I lived a grand total of three months!
Which was a record-breaking lifespan for a sh*t fly…
The more my mind wanders back to that brief period of ti, I wince in disgust, finding myself hating… myself.
If I could, I'd wipe those mories from my mind.
Regrettably, though, such good fortune was not ant for one such as I—the crippled soul who, even after experiencing 1,313 rebirths, couldn't escape his destiny.
Nevertheless, there was one more rebirth that left a big impact on .
My 12th Life.
Twelve—being an auspicious number—made foolishly believe that I'd finally be set free.
However, in the very first second of my new life, I ca to understand that I really was a naive fool.
A toilet.
I was reborn as a living, breathing, gawdamn toilet!!
And do you wanna know what toilets were used for??
Yep, you guessed it! To sh*t and piss in!!
But wait, wait, wait, that wasn't even ntioning the ridiculous lifespans of living toilets!
10,000 Years!!!
For 10,000 long, excruciating years, I lived a torturous life that wholly consisted of being shat in, urinated in, and forced to gulp it all down without complaint!
And all of this was happening outside an alien gas station—one in buttf*ck nowhere!
There was nothing cool to look at, no hotties to whisp so of the pain away.
There was nothing.
Just a bleak rock floating in space with a large neon sign hanging above a futuristic dump show!
I know I resolved myself to sit down and seriously ruminate over so of my previous lives. But at this point, I feel that I might just lose the last of my coco-pebbles if I keep forcing myself to recall all those godforsaken mories!!
*Deep inhale*
*Calm exhale*
"Nope, I can't do this sh*t anymore," Knox said, his face twitching out of control. "I focused my mind on sothing long enough to get my just reward, so where is it??"
Just then:
*Ding~!*
[An Attribute Orb has dropped because of the exertion of an aspect related to the Mind!]
[ 2 Mind Attribute Orb]
There it was—his Attribute Orb!
The small, perfectly spherical whitish-blue Orb—it was such a beauty.
And one most warmly welcod by one Mr. Knox Falazar.
"A 2 Attribute Orb!?" He said, joy curving his lips upward. "Who woulda thought reminiscing about my sh*tty past would not only give a whole number Attribute Orb but a 2! I just knew my 1,314th Life was the one!"
"First, it was the Attribute Farr System," he continued, beaming. "And then I co to learn that the number 1314 is especially auspicious in these lands, for it roughly translates to 'Forever.'"
Knox smirked, focusing his mind on the whitish-blue Attribute Orb that only he could see.
He beckoned it toward himself, watching as it collided with his immobilized body before assimilating with it.
[Mind Attribute 2]
[You have beco significantly more intelligent!]
[Your Mind-related Powers have moderately improved!]
[Your control of your Mind-related Powers has moderately improved!]
Though, if there were one downside to this auspicious 1,314th Life as a cripple, then it had to be…
[Keep going like this, Dear Host, and you might just barely be able to bridge the gap between 'r*tarded' and 'slightly less r*tarded']
[I imagine this information pleases you! Wait… was I speaking too fast just now? If I was, then I sincerely apologize! I'll make sure to speak slower next ti—pinky swears on it!]
It had to be that the System… was a Complete A*s!
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