June 22, 2020
"You probably just feel unfamiliar with the idea."
Lady Morco gently patted Alicia’s back. Alicia squeezed her eyes shut.
It wasn’t about unfamiliarity.
She simply didn’t want to accept the existence of the child.
Dealing with Cabelenus was already enough. More than enough. She didn’t want to bear anything beyond that.
"Thinking that a foreign presence has suddenly appeared inside you… it’s only natural to feel uneasy."
"……."
"And besides, we don’t even know for certain that you are pregnant yet."
Alicia clenched her hands tightly.
Cruelly, the first thought that crossed her mind upon hearing those words was I hope I’m not.
Am I… a terrible person?
Alicia pressed her lips together.
People often said that motherhood was an instinct.
That if it was your child, you had to love it.
That it was only natural.
But she felt nothing.
No matter how much she thought about the possibility of the child, nothing changed.
She knew it was wrong, that it was unfair to the child, but she couldn’t bring herself to feel joy.
Instead of celebrating the tiny life growing within her, she was afraid.
Afraid because she wasn’t sure if she could ever be a good mother.
After much thought, that was the conclusion Alicia reached.
"Don’t worry too much. It’s not a bad thing."
"…Do you really believe that?"
"Of course. It’s a wonderful thing."
Lady Morco whispered with warmth.
She knew the topic was sensitive, but no matter the circumstances of conception, the child itself was blaless.
A child, simply by being born, deserved to be cherished.
"If a child is born, they are bound to be lovable."
"……."
"They may take after His Highness. Or perhaps they’ll resemble you instead."
"Take after… His Highness?"
Alicia’s gaze wavered.
Lady Morco didn’t miss the mont of hesitation and squeezed Alicia’s hand reassuringly.
"Regardless of whom they resemble, they will be a beautiful child. A product of both of you."
"……."
"They will grow up receiving love and one day, beco the rightful heir of Schwarhan."
Even with Lady Morco’s gentle coaxing, Alicia couldn’t bring herself to accept the child’s existence.
She had only ever seen two kinds of parents in her life—those who treated their children like assets to be asured, and those who sacrificed everything for them.
And she didn’t want to be either.
She didn’t want to assess the worth of an unwanted life.
Nor did she want to dedicate her entire existence to it.
"If this is too overwhelming for you, I can summon the physician later. When you feel more at ease."
Lady Morco observed her with concern.
But Alicia’s expression was unreadable, her emotions locked away.
"…Call the physician."
"My lady—"
"It won’t change anything if I wait. I’d rather confirm it now."
Alicia nodded resolutely.
She had run her hand over her stomach countless tis, trying to feel sothing.
But she didn’t.
The unmoving presence inside her didn’t feel precious at all.
Even now, she desperately wished it wasn’t real.
* * *
"Take a deep breath, then exhale."
"Like this?"
"Yes, just like that."
The physician efficiently checked Alicia’s condition, asking a series of questions as he scribbled notes onto his chart.
Alicia watched him with tense eyes.
She hated that she even had these thoughts, but she couldn’t help it.
She felt guilty.
Yet even so, she still hoped she wasn’t pregnant.
"What’s the result?"
"There doesn’t seem to be anything concerning. However…"
The physician hesitated, avoiding Alicia’s gaze.
"Is sothing wrong?"
Lady Morco, unable to stand the suspense, stepped forward.
The physician gave her an awkward smile, shaking his head.
"It appears… you are not pregnant."
"Ah."
The sound escaped before Alicia could stop herself.
She quickly covered her mouth with both hands.
But she wasn’t sure if it was purely relief she was feeling.
She had wanted so desperately for this to be the case.
But now that she had the answer, an unfamiliar unease crept in.
"Could it just be too early to detect?"
Lady Morco frowned.
"It’s possible. However, based on my dical experience, I do not believe she is pregnant."
"Not pregnant?"
"While the symptoms—fatigue, changes in appetite, nausea—are common in pregnancy, my examination does not indicate any definitive signs of it."
"Are you certain?"
"If you do not trust my diagnosis, you are free to call upon another physician. But they will tell you the sa thing."
The physician raised his hands slightly, as if trying to deflect Lady Morco’s piercing gaze.
"But—"
"It’s fine."
Alicia interrupted firmly.
Lady Morco, who had been glaring at the physician, sighed and backed down.
"I apologize, my lady. I may have spoken too soon."
"It’s okay. Your concern was understandable."
Alicia smiled.
But for so reason, her body felt strangely drained.
Am I… disappointed?
She let out a small, hollow breath.
She hadn’t even realized she had been unconsciously resting her hand on her stomach.
"Then… what’s causing her symptoms?"
Lady Morco’s expression darkened.
If this was simply a reaction to Cabelenus’s absence, as Gajev had theorized, it would have made sense.
But Alicia’s reaction to certain slls, her sudden nausea, didn’t align with that.
"I can’t say for sure."
"You don’t know?"
Lady Morco’s voice sharpened.
"If a physician doesn’t know the cause of a patient’s condition, how are we supposed to trust your judgnt?"
"I-I apologize. However, I can assure you that there is no serious health concern. My lady is rather slender, but overall, she is in good health."
Even under Lady Morco’s intimidating glare, the physician did not falter.
He was the most skilled doctor in Schwarhan, and he had confidence in his diagnosis.
Alicia’s symptoms resembled pregnancy, but she showed no actual signs of carrying a child.
"There are cases where people experience pregnancy symptoms due to psychological factors—especially when they strongly desire to conceive."
The physician hesitated as he spoke, carefully gauging their reactions.
It was never wise to upset a noblewoman.
"That’s impossible."
"Then I have no further diagnosis to offer."
At Lady Morco’s curt response, the physician shrank back slightly.
He also found Alicia’s symptoms unusual.
But that didn’t an he could fabricate a false diagnosis.
"Still, as you ntioned, it is possible that it is too early to detect. I suggest checking again in a few weeks to be certain."
"That would be best."
Lady Morco tried not to show her disappointnt as she glanced at Alicia.
Perhaps this was for the best.
Alicia clearly wasn’t ready to accept a child.
Maybe, with more ti, things would change.
***
"…So, she’s not pregnant?"
"Yes. That’s what the physician concluded."
"Is that so? That’s good, then."
Cabelenus nodded indifferently.
Even as he listened to Gajev’s report, his hand never once paused as he signed docunts.
He truly seed unaffected.
Gajev, unsure of how to react to his superior’s cold deanor, hesitated in silence.
"…Wouldn’t it be best if you visited the lady?"
"I haven’t finished my work yet."
"She might be… disappointed."
"Disappointed?"
"She must have heard the news by now—that she isn’t pregnant."
Cabelenus’s hand finally stilled.
Sensing the shift in the air, Gajev quickly pressed on.
"That’s how it usually is."
"……."
"Even just showing your face for a mont would help. She depends on you a great deal, Your Highness."
Gajev forced an awkward smile.
Cabelenus had always been a steadfast, commanding figure.
Gajev still respected him as much as ever.
But that didn’t an he wasn’t uneasy.
Because Cabelenus never went back on a decision.
He had already decided how he would deal with a child.
All that was left was to act on it.
And knowing that, Gajev had felt imnse relief upon hearing Alicia wasn’t pregnant.
But what about next ti?
Even if she conceived in the future, what guarantee was there that the child would be safe?
If the situation called for it, Cabelenus wouldn’t hesitate to dispose of the child himself.
The greatest danger to his own offspring… would be the father.
"She may even be crying in secret."
"……."
Even though Gajev already knew Alicia’s reaction, he deliberately feigned ignorance.
Cabelenus had always been uncharacteristically lenient with Alicia.
He had gone out of his way to accommodate her.
If there was any way to protect the child, it had to be through Alicia.
If she ca to view her child as precious, then when the ti ca, perhaps things would be different.
This was the best strategy Gajev could co up with.
"That’s possible."
Fortunately, his reasoning seed to work.
Cabelenus put down his pen.
"I’ll stand in for you while you’re away. You should go."
"……."
"…Why are you looking at like that?"
Gajev cautiously gauged his superior’s expression.
He wasn’t usually the type to be so apprehensive.
But the slight smirk tugging at Cabelenus’s lips made his stomach twist in unease.
"It would be better to take sothing that might cheer her up."
"Ah, y-yes, of course. That would be best."
Gajev hurriedly nodded.
"What would she like?"
Cabelenus rested his chin on his hand, tapping his finger against the desk.
Gajev swallowed hard.
It had been a long ti since he’d felt this kind of tension.
Not even during the Battle of Markata, when they had been cornered, had he felt so nervous.
Back then, at least, he hadn’t felt like a death sentence was being signed with each passing second.
"Your Highness knows Lady Alicia best, don’t you?"
"……."
Gajev thought it was a reasonable answer.
But from the way Cabelenus was staring at him, he had clearly misstepped.
Hurriedly, he corrected himself.
"I’ll ask Lady Morco for advice."
"That would be best. But…"
What now?
Gajev’s brow twitched.
The cold sweat trickling down his spine made his entire back feel clammy.
"…Why, Your Highness?"
He steadied his voice as best he could, forcing a smile.
But Cabelenus’s expression didn’t soften.
"……."
"……."
The heavy silence weighed down on the room like a crushing force.
Gajev discreetly rolled his eyes in every direction, desperately searching for a hint of his superior’s thoughts.
But Cabelenus wasn’t the type to help his subordinates figure things out.
All Gajev could do was wait.
Of course, waiting felt like absolute hell.
So he stood there, quietly enduring, hoping his superior would speak soon.
"…Never mind. Forget it."
At last, Cabelenus let out a sigh and rubbed his temple.
"Are you alright, Your Highness?"
"Don’t worry about . Just get in touch with Lady Morco."
Cabelenus waved him off, leaning back in his chair.
Just this morning, he had felt satisfied.
But now, a vague, nagging doubt gnawed at him.
He liked to think he knew Alicia well.
But did he really?
Even when trying to think of things she liked, he struggled to count past a handful.
At best, I know she enjoys walks, studying, and painting…
His gaze flickered toward the window.
Snow was falling heavily.
Walking outside in this weather was out of the question.
And suggesting she study in this mood would be ridiculous.
Cabelenus’s frown deepened.
Suggesting studying to soone who was already feeling down would be absurd.
Not to ntion, he was terrible at teaching.
That only leaves painting…
As he absentmindedly nodded to himself, his movents suddenly halted.
That bastard could easily handle this.
He had tried to ignore it.
But now, the thought of that young artist Jas sharing cheerful conversations with Alicia left an unpleasant taste in his mouth.
At a ti like this, Jas could effortlessly lift her spirits with his talent.
…Ridiculous.
The idea of being jealous of so fragile little painter was laughable.
Cabelenus scoffed, curling his lips in irritation.
The creases on his forehead had grown noticeably deeper.
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