Spaarne Gasthuis Hospital, Haarlem City, Netherlands, January 10, 2012.
I opened my eyes.
Tire screeches, blinding lights, and the sound of tal crashing with unfathomable force. I was suddenly struck by a wave of mories that seed too genuine to be a dream.
This isn't possible.
However, it was.
I had witnessed the accident before. had the experience. This is exactly as I rembered it happening.
Everything was normal for a mont. After one of my youth academy gas, we were in the car on our way ho. I had scored the winning goal.
My parents had been grinning and expressing their excitent for to beco a professional football player soday.
In the backseat, my younger sister, Ayo, was humming along to the radio while gripping her phone and frantically typing to her pals about her brother's goal.
Then everything happened so quickly.
A truck's headlights veered into our lane.
A beat had skipped in my heart. In an attempt to avert the inevitable, Dad's hands tightened their grip on the wheel and pulled to the side. Then...
Darkness...
I was dead. I had no doubt about it. That accident had claid our lives.
Yet here I was, staring at the ceiling while laying on a hospital bed. As I tried to figure out where I was, my breath stuck in my throat.
The air was filled with the sound of machines beeping. My arm had an IV line attached, and my nose was pricked by the pungent antiseptic odor.
How did I survive?
I was filled with panic. I made myself sit up even though my body felt heavy. Only a little light was streaming in from the window, and the room was partly dark.
I looked about in the hopes of seeing soone. Perhaps a nurse, Ayo, or my parents. However, the room was empty. I broke into a cold sweat.
They're gone...they are gone once more, aren't they?
My mind was overflowing with mories of them laughing, smiling, and living, and I was unable to stop it. All of that had been lost in the accident.
The heartbreaking anguish of losing them was sothing I had experienced before. Now, the idea of going through that once more made my heart churn in my chest.
This ti, though, sothing was different.
My left leg was hurting worse than I had ever experienced. I was reminded that this was not a nightmare by the excruciating ache. I looked down, my hands shaking as I pulled away the hospital sheet.
And a cast, which surprised . From my knee to my foot, my left leg was in a cast.
"What the hell...?"
I didn't understand. Why was I still here? In that car, I had died. I had sensed that I was losing myself. This didn't make sense.
The door creaked open abruptly. I looked up, my heart pounding as a nurse stepped in. Her face was friendly but worn out, and she appeared to be in her early twenties.
"Oh, Benjamin." She looked at the machines and then walked to my side, saying softly in a Dutch accent, "You're awake." "How are you feeling?"
My thoughts were racing as I blinked at her. "Where am I?" was the first query that sprang to mind out of instinct. My voice sounded harsh and unaccustod.
She smiled empathetically. "Spaarne Gasthuis Hospital is where you are. A few days ago, you were involved in a car accident, but you are now safe."
Her words caused my chest to tighten. "My parents? And Ayo, my little sister?" The nas sliced through like razor blades, piercing with the harshness of reality.
Her smile gradually dimd. She averted her gaze for a second, and before she even opened her mouth, I knew what she was going to say.
She muttered, "I apologize, Benjamin; they weren't able to make it."
For a second, my heart stopped beating. I had the impression that everything was closing in on and spinning in circles. I was having trouble breathing.
"They're gone?" I choked out, my voice hardly audible above a whisper. "Again?"
The nurse frowned. "Again? You've never been admitted here before, Benjamin."
No, I have. This was a mont I had experienced before. I had experienced the sa depressing weight of loss and despair.
Why? Why was this happening to again?
Squeezing my eyes shut, I tried to shut out the room, the nurse, and everything else as my throat tightened. However, it was ineffective. This could not be resolved by anything.
"I should've died with them..." I said in a barely audible whisper.
I hardly noticed the nurse's gentle touch on my shoulder. "Benjamin, you're still alive. You ought to be grateful for it. You made it through."
Ignoring what she had said, I opened my eyes and looked down at my cast-covered leg. All I had left was my desire to beco a football legend. What was the point if I couldn't play?
"The doctor will co by soon to explain your injuries," she said. "But it's going to take ti to heal."
I was unable to control the tears that were streaming down my face. Despite my attempts to blink them away, they continued to fall uncontrollably.
Every breath ache my chest. I was ripped apart by the pain of losing my parents once more and my little sister, Ayo. And now... my leg.
I swallowed forcefully, suppressing my tears. My only ans of escape and my only source of purpose had been football, but suddenly it seed like even that was slipping away from .
With sympathetic eyes, the nurse offered a tissue. "Benjamin, stay strong," she urged softly. "I believe that you'll get through this."
However, I didn't feel strong. I had the impression that I was falling apart piece-by-piece. I wanted to yell and be furious about how unjust everything was. To feel sothing other than this deafening emptiness, to punch anything, anything.
"They're really gone..." My voice trembled as I whispered. "And my leg... will I ever play again?"
The nurse looked at my leg and hesitated. "It's too soon to tell. Although the doctors will do everything they can, recovery will be a long process."
A long process. Everyone always says that when there is no hope. A long path with no end in sight.
My heart ached as I reclined against the cushion and gazed up at the ceiling. I kept thinking about the accident over and over.
How helpless I had felt at the ti. I'd traveled back in ti and been given another chance, but still... I was unable to save them.
I was powerless to prevent the accident from happening. I was unable to keep my family safe. I couldn't even protect my future anymore.
How laughable.
I was unable to see a path forward as I lay there with the heaviness of everything pressing down on .
I had lost everything I had ever known. Every hope and every dream shattered.
I let the darkness draw in and closed my eyes. Perhaps I could find so solace in the silence, or at the very least, temporarily forget about the suffering.
However, I felt in my heart that the path ahead was not just lengthy, but also practically unachievable. And I wasn't sure if I had the strength to walk it for the first ti in my life.
***
After that day, ti flew by. Doctors ca and went, talking about my leg injuries, my rehabilitation plans, and the therapy I would need.
Although I could hear them conversing, it sounded as though they were speaking to soone else. I wasn't interested, or rather, I couldn't focus.
Sir Jansen, my youth academy coach, also paid a visit.
I couldn't stop thinking about how helpless I had been. If I can't make any changes, what good is a second chance?
My parents were gone. Ayo, my younger sister, was gone. And now, the ga I had devoted life, the ga I loved, was also slipping away.
I lay awake every night, gazing at the ceiling as my thoughts repeatedly reenacted the disaster.
My mother's final expression before everything turned black was visible to . Ayo's laughing was permanently hushed.
And ? I remained here. Broken, and alone.
Why?
I kept thinking about the question, but I had no answer.
I only knew that the path ahead appeared to be insurmountable. However, I had to walk it sohow. even though I was unsure about how to start.
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