Xie Zhang did not deny it, Li Sihe was right.
He wasn’t dull-witted; the mont he stepped out, he had already understood his own heart.
He indeed had feelings, and that was where he suffered the most.
He was aware of his feelings and yet unable to bear such a cruel cost.
Xie Zhang stood up, his eyelids lowered, and slowly said, "I have sothing else to attend to, I must be going."
Li Sihe nodded, without speaking.
He picked up the cup in front of him, drained it, and called Bian Yue.
The mont the call connected, the man’s voice beca very gentle, he said, "Yueyue, you can co ho now, Xie Zhang has already rushed back."
Bian Yue apparently wasn’t satisfied, her voice whiny and discontent, "Ah? Why did he co back so soon? We haven’t finished chatting yet!"
"What else do you want to talk about?" Li Sihe asked with amusent, countering Bian Yue, "Are you trying to drive An Jiayi away with your chatter?"
"No way! I was analyzing with her, Li Sihe, do you believe it or not, Xie Zhang really likes her!" Indeed she was keen on stirring the pot, innocently and cheerfully.
Li Sihe knew what was on Bian Yue’s mind.
She was naive, believing that as long as there is love, they can be together.
Yet the Li Sihe of this past year had already beco accustod to the overt and covert struggles in the business world; he knew things were not as simple as Bian Yue imagined.
But still, he couldn’t bear to shatter her fantasy, so he continued in a soft voice, "Mhm, I believe it, Yueyue, go ho first, I’ll wait for you at ho."
The young girl crisply acknowledged.
When Xie Zhang returned, An Jiayi was still sitting on the couch, her stiff back betrayed her awareness of his return, before she relaxed again as if nothing had happened.
Xie Zhang sat down beside An Jiayi, a faint scent of alcohol wafting from him, causing a tightness in her chest, a feeling of speechlessness.
Xie Zhang understood her complicated emotions, he spoke with a raspy voice, "Do you really want to break up with ?"
"Xie Zhang..." She rarely called him by his full na.
Xie Zhang instinctively took on a formal attitude, saying, "I’m listening, go ahead."
An Jiayi looked at him and said, "Can you tell , when do you plan to get married? I don’t want to know anything else."
Xie Zhang had not anticipated that this was the question An Jiayi would ask him.
He tugged at the corner of his mouth, feeling a bit sore, "What do you an?"
"If you get married, I would be the other woman, and I do not want to be that. That is my bottom line." An Jiayi blinked, her eyes misty with moisture, "I hope that when that day cos, we can part on good terms."
Xie Zhang could not help but think of what Li Sihe had just said to him.
"Even if I get married, I won’t let my marriage affect you, you can still stay by my side, what’s wrong with that?" Xie Zhang frowned, he held An Jiayi’s hand, squeezing gently, "Jiayi, you’re not a child anymore, Bian Yue might not understand, but don’t you?"
An Jiayi’s eyes rimd red, and she forcefully withdrew her hand without a hint of hesitation, "This is my bottom line. If you do not agree, I can leave right now."
Xie Zhang laughed in exasperation, "Are you threatening ?"
"Xie Zhang, I am not threatening you, I am negotiating with you. Everyone has their self-respect, don’t they? You should allow to have my self-respect too." An Jiayi spoke slowly, enunciating each word.
Xie Zhang had a splitting headache. He wanted to argue with An Jiayi, wanted to scold her for being so entitled.
Isn’t this relationship good enough as it is? Why strive for more? That would only make things awkward for everyone.
But as he looked into An Jiayi’s reddened eyes, those words of reproach suddenly beca impossible to utter, caught in his throat, and in the end, with a tense voice he said: "Okay, let’s do as you say, then,"
An Jiayi took a deep breath, wiped away the tears that were about to fall with the back of her hand, and stood up, "Thank you."
Xie Zhang, puzzled, said: "I thought you would talk to about our feelings, but none of what you’ve ntioned has anything to do with them."
An Jiayi’s back began to tremble again, she suppressed her choked sob and said softly, feigning calm: "Can those matters of the heart be clearly spoken? Xie Zhang, even if there are feelings between us, what’s the point of exposing them?"
It seed like it was only at this mont that Xie Zhang truly and fully saw An Jiayi for who she was.
She appeared to be weak and non-confrontational, but in reality, she understood all too well what to fight for and what not to bring up.
Life seed destined to just muddle along like this, those words left unsaid, rotting inside.
Late at night, Xie Zhang held An Jiayi tight, their sweat-covered bodies pressing close.
"Shall I carry you to take a shower?" Xie Zhang breathed heavily and said: "Let’s talk after the shower, okay?"
An Jiayi patted his hand wrapped around her waist and said: "The dicine is on your bedside, help get it."
Xie Zhang felt as though he had been drenched in cold water from head to toe.
In a low voice, he said: "It’s my fault today, I shouldn’t have... Jiayi, I’ve calculated, today is a safe day, you don’t need to take dicine."
"Mr. Xie, there’s no absolute safety in this world, let alone a safe period. Even if there’s a one in ten thousand chance, if it happens to , that’s a hundred percent." An Jiayi spoke calmly: "I don’t want to get pregnant, and I don’t want to trouble you."
Xie Zhang held An Jiayi tight again, not even he knew what he was feeling, he just really wanted to hold her tight.
An Jiayi didn’t speak at first, and after a long while, she finally said: "It’s about ti now, Mr. Xie, please give my dicine."
She really left no room for uncertainty.
She was so aware of limits, knowledgeable about when to advance or retreat.
But Xie Zhang still felt dissatisfied, a dissatisfaction that he himself found to be overly fastidious.
What was there to be discontent about?
He already had everything he wanted, didn’t he?
Xie Zhang got up and fetched the dicine for An Jiayi.
He watched her swallow it dry and frowned: "Why don’t you drink so water?"
"No need."
"Does this dicine have any side effects?"
"All dicines have side effects." An Jiayi said: "It’s okay, it’s better than leaving even a one in ten thousand chance."
Xie Zhang silently watched An Jiayi turn her back to him and lie down again.
The room was very quiet.
The ambiguous atmosphere finally began to cool off, Xie Zhang approached An Jiayi, hugged her, and whispered: "Shall I carry you to take a shower, okay?"
"Mhm." An Jiayi’s voice was nasal, she said: "I might fall asleep."
"That’s okay, I’ll hold onto you."
In the quiet night, every word seed to be draped in an elusive veil, and An Jiayi dared not contemplate her own heart too closely.
She didn’t need Xie Zhang to say he loved her out loud; just knowing was enough for her to feel satisfied. After all, that’s all many people aspire to for their entire lives...
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