I wish I could be soone special to him. If I could stand proudly by his side. I had such a fleeting imagination.
But it was all useless. Alan Leopold to was beyond reach.
He was shining as bright as the moon and stars in the distance and high above, while I was always looking up at him from a low, dark place. He was so far away that even though I reached out with burning longing, I quickly withdrew my arms in regret.
The imasurable gap between him and made cry without fail. I was always thirsty and cold when I thought of him. I blad my precious second life, which I had gained like a lie, because of that beautiful man.
And every ti I did that, I hated myself unbearably.
Even though it was late at night, Sandra not only prepared tea for , but also stayed with until my tears stopped completely. Sandras dark amber eyes contained anxiety and regret. She seed to have a lot to say, but she didnt say much like .
Sandra was commuting from her ho in Lunos because she wasnt a maid here, and today she waited for and stood by my side, even though it was well past the ti for her to return. As a result, midnight has passed.
I succeeded in persuading her to go to sleep in a guest room in the separate house since it was already too late and anyway the guest room is always empty.
When Sandra withdrew with a good nights greetings and the pitch blackness finally ca into the room, I rembered Alan like a habit.
I stayed up all night last night, so I didnt sleep today except for a short nap during the day. Of course, my head was fuzzy, and my body was tired without any strength to lift a hand. It makes want to jump into a deep sleep right now.
But consciousness did not send to the realm of sleep.
Alan.
Why didnt he even make an excuse?
Although he looks perfect, he is actually just a young man who has just co of age. So he could have argued that he was impulsive and that it was because he was still not good at controlling his emotions.
He could have been cowardly enough to avoid a montary accusation.
This is too harsh, Alan. Its like Ive beco a child whose head is so dazed that I cant even decide whats right and whats wrong. I still want to bite my tongue because of my heart which is longing for you. You make miserable every ti, in one way or another.
Anything is fine, so you should have given an excuse. Then I wouldnt have to forsake myself who loved you. I wouldnt have had to throw away all that ti and mory.
If there was even a single, trivial excuse, I would definitely pretend to be deceived and you.
lissa, please.
I clenched my hands as if to punish myself. As the nail digs into the soft palm of my hand, a piercing pain rushes to the spot.
However, this was nothing compared to the crushing feeling in my heart. Compared to this suffocating agony.
Why am I so stupid and insignificant? I hated not being able to sleep because I cried so sadly at the shivering insult, and I was still using all my thoughts to defend him even though he is the reason why my eyes are hot and teary.
What am I going to do by guessing the excuse that the person didnt even co up with?
Today I poured out an outspoken curse on him. No matter how hard I pulled myself together, I think I was pretty good for a person who was lting like butter on a piece of bread.
Disgusting bastard, the worst, prodigal playboy, filthy deceiver, a murderer.
Whats surprising is that it took less than a minute to unleash these grave accusations.
It was, indeed, a bold move that I would have never imagined in the past. But its ridiculous that the only reason that drove that hard was the trace of a woman left on his shirt.
I cant believe Im giving out such harsh hostility because of the shock that I had seen from his promiscuity. Did I mistakenly think that I was sothing special to him just because I kissed him? It was so funny that I could laugh at my own dignity and integrity.
Even so, it was unexpected that I was in pain from the sharp accusations that were spit out to hurt him. Had I been living with Alan Leopold for so long that hurting him felt like an attack on myself?
Im seriously ill.
Poor lissa Collins. I crouched further under the blanket, hugging my shoulders, thinking that I was really beyond redemption
Then, I closed my eyes straight away to sleep, but Alans last words, which were ringing in my head, were repeated even more clearly. Senses are naturally sharpened in the stillness of darkness.
I thought youd be different.
Knowing what he really was, I couldnt stop myself from becoming uncontrollably unhappy the mont I heard it. But what if Alan hadnt co over with a lipstick stain?
If he did, I might have lted on the spot. Maybe I would have felt like I was surrounded by ecstatic light.
Him saying that Im the only one whos different. Thats what Ive been longing to hear for a long ti..
* * *
It was a dull afternoon. I was sitting at the table with my hand supporting my chin.
The table filled with empty manuscripts was as crowded as my head. The pen, which is dry and curled at the end, gives a heavy burden just by looking at it. It was natural that my eyes shifted toward a small vase in one corner.
A pale pink peony whose aning is shyness. It was still showing off its lovely bloom, but it was clear enough to be seen with the naked eye that the petals were gradually losing their vitality.
How much longer will it last? It is so natural that the vase will soon be empty that it is not sad. The flowers will wither away soon. Thats sothing even a child would know.
Then suddenly I felt similar to the poor flower trapped with its roots cut off in a beautiful vase. It doesnt seem like anyone elses business that its just drying up slowly without any hope or expectation.. Sohow feeling cramped, I rubbed my neck without heat.
Actually, Ive been in a dilemma without a way out. I bombarded Alan with horrible words and he was so angry that he even left behind, so what happens to him and now?
Probably we wont eat dinner together and I wont receive the bouquets of flowers that he used to give . However, it doesnt an hes going to let out. Although going out is exactly what I want. He may be trying to lock up even more now that he hates .
Maybe hell fire my maid and leave alone in terrible loneliness again. No one has ever insulted Alan Leopold more sharply than I have, so it was not unreasonable to think this way.
Then should I win over one maid to my side? Or, wait for the subordinate who ca for his errand to get lost again and co into the annex, then beg for help to communicate my situation outside the mansion.
Nonsense.
I dont have any blind allegiance to Alan and his family, so what am I going to do to recruit them? Its good if it doesnt get in his ear and get sent to a dungeon.
Then there is only one conclusion.
.
It is certain that Alan likes this novel. So if I complete this, I can trade for my freedom. For him, who has always held only noble and beautiful won, the woman I am is an unusual collectible, nothing more, nothing less.
There will be countless won who will replace even if I go out to the streets right now. How many of them wont be fascinated by the luxurious comforts offered here and Alan Leopolds special treatnt?
This vast garden is not enough to line up the won who are eager to replace lissa Collins. So lets hurry up and finish the novel, I will just pull myself together again. Its true that theres no object to hang on to unless its this.
I dont care about the ending now. It will be difficult to end beautifully as the ending is set, but lets write honestly with the current feelings. Its about completed.
With that in mind, it wasnt until half a day after I started the day that I slowly stretched to write. Its been a while since I wrote it, so it will take so ti to imrse myself in the flow.
Miss.
At that very mont Sandra ca into the room.
I brought so refreshnts. Its the snack you enjoyed the other day.
Thank you.
After Alan Leopold returned from the Hwa Empire, food and sweets from that Empire often appeared on the table. Perhaps among the supplies he brought back to Lunoa were spices and ingredients.
Even though it was a mysterious Empire, the food there tasted faint and welcoming, perhaps because it was an Eastern empire. As for tea, its just not my taste.
At that ti, Sandra, who had gathered her pastis and sat on a chair in front of the window, asked at once.
By the way, why isnt Mr. Maurice coming?
Oh, I said its okay to co only once a week.
The problem is that I forgot to tell Alan Leopold.
But its already been over a week
Is it already?
Yes. Im worried that sothing might have happened.
However, Sandras face was strange. I dont think theres any special relationship between them. Its just that the expression or the atmosphere feels more like concern than a passing remark.
I asked with a blank face.
Sandra, do you like Mr. Maurice?
What? Why do you say that?
She was about to embroider over the white handkerchief, but she asked back in surprise.
You seem very anxious.
Love and anxiety are feelings that can never be separated.
Oh, no. I dont like him. What Im worried about is.
.
If anything happens to him.
Sandra hesitated as she opened and closed her lips several tis. Rolling her eyes to her eyes was a reaction similar to when she talked about Monica Elwood the other day.
At that mont I thought about changing the topic because she looked like she was in a predicant,
Oh, by the way.
She opened her mouth first.
Oh, by the way, I heard what you were curious about this morning.
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