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Nayun: POV
When he said my na like that, calling in a low, almost hesitant voice, I knew.
It wasn't the first ti Theo had called that. But that ti... there was sothing different.
A density in his voice. A heaviness that didn't match the warmth of the coffee, the tranquillity of the morning, our banter. It was like a sigh that didn't want to co out. Like soone who opens a door and doesn't know what they're going to find on the other side.
I rested my chin on my hands and kept smiling, even though sothing inside , sothing ancient, instinctive, began to shrink. I wanted him to know that he could talk. That I was there.
Even though a part of was already on alert, feeling the ground begin to crumble beneath my feet like the crumbs of cheese bread on the table.
"There's sothing I need to tell you..."
Those words. Those damn words.
You always feel it, don't you? Before you even know.
It's like a change in the air, a subtle vibration that only the heart understands. My body reacted before my mind. A slight chill on my forearm, a tingle at the base of my neck.
And yet I smiled. Because smiling and persevering had always been my armor since my mother and brother had left my side.
"Hey... What's with the face? Are you going to tell you burnt your tongue?"
It was Nayun leve who spoke, the one who lives on the surface, who makes jokes even when everything inside is shaking. But Theo didn't laugh. Not even the corner of his lip. He just looked at , seriously.
He looked at in a way that took apart and rebuilt at the sa ti. As if he saw parts of that even I didn't visit very often.
My heart gave a little leap. Not the kind you feel when you fall in love.
It was a different kind of feeling.
That cold feeling that creeps up your back when your intuition whispers: 'sothing's wrong.'
He lowered his eyes for a second, stared at his fingers, ran his hand over the back of his neck as he does when he's nervous, a gesture I've learned to love, even without telling him. And then he looked at again.
For a mont, he looked more fragile than I've ever seen him in all the ti we've been dating. A man torn apart. A man who loves, but sohow feels he's doing sothing wrong.
Maybe to himself.
Maybe to .
"I..."
He began, and stopped. I could see him swallow dry.
My heart was now hamring in my chest, steady, constant, as if to warn : 'Get ready.'
That's when it hit .
Not all of it, but the pieces began to move.
He beca like that after I jokingly called him a womanizer.
Yeonha.
Hazuki.
Too many conversations.
Too many glances.
Too many smiles.
The Nayun that lives in , the intuitive one, has started to piece together the clues. She lives quietly, but vigilantly.
The sa Nayun who learned early on that pain was easier to live with than she had imagined.
But there was also the other Nayun. The one who believes. The one who knows that Theo isn't like the others. That he really listens to , respects , sees . This Nayun struggled not to let herself be contaminated by the other's anxiety. She wanted to understand. She wanted to listen.
It wasn't about betrayal. Of that I was certain.
Theo was many things, but he wasn't unfaithful, that was sothing I knew better than anyone, it might sound strange, but that's how I felt.
But he was also too attentive. Too affectionate. The kind of man who, even without realizing it, could give too much space to too many people... and maybe feelings too.
I pressed my fingers together under the table. An almost childish gesture, as if that could contain the whirlwind inside . But I kept my gaze on him. I wasn't going to look away. Not this ti.
"Go ahead, Theo."
I muttered as I stared at him.
My voice sounded firm, even to myself. And strangely... it gave strength.
"Whatever."
He hesitated. For a mont, the world fell silent, as if even the clock on the wall had stopped.
And it was in that instant that I realized.
I was afraid. Afraid of what was to co, afraid of hearing out loud what I already suspected.
But more than fear, there was a hint of anger. Not at him, but at the situation. At the fact that monts as beautiful as that breakfast couldn't last, that there would always be sothing to test our happiness.
I took a deep breath, slling the tea already warm. I looked at him one more ti.
And I thought:
'If it's going to hurt, let it be now. But at least let it be real.'
Theo finally raised his eyes to et mine. His expression was a mixture of guilt and determination.
"Nayun, I... I've been thinking a lot about us. About how we feel about each other. And also about other people."
My stomach churned, but I remained silent, allowing him to continue.
"I love you, Nayun. I really do. You an the world to . But... I'd be lying if I said I wasn't attracted to other won."
The words hung in the air like heavy rocks. I felt a mixture of emotions co over : pain, anguish, insecurity and confusion...
"I've been thinking about this since we started dating, a way to tell you how I feel without making you suffer. But I realize that sothing like that is impossible..."
Tears threatened to flow, but I held them back.
Taking a deep breath, seeking clarity in the midst of the whirlwind of feelings that was ravaging , I let my hands rest on the table.
"I know what this ans for us, I know that our relationship could break down from now on. But I needed you to know what's going on inside . Because I love you too much to hide it any longer..."
For a few seconds, everything seed frozen. The dust particles floating in the light from the window seed to dance in slow motion. Even the sound coming from outside seed to have drifted away, swallowed up by the weight of the confession. I was looking at him, but I seed to be looking through the gestures, the words, trying to see what lay behind that raw honesty.
My trembling fingers traced invisible circles on the table. The warmth of the lukewarm tea ca through my palms, but it wasn't enough to warm up. My chest ached, a dense, muffled pain, as if every heartbeat pushed against sothing that didn't want to give way.
Theo, on the other side of the table, looked anxious. His shoulders, once so firm, were bowed.
He interlaced his fingers, then undid them, again and again, as if trying to find so kind of order in the ss he had just exposed. His eyes sought mine, but they wavered, like soone who fears seeing the reflection of their own guilt in the eyes of soone they love.
Finally, I raised my hand in a calm gesture and lightly touched the cup in front of , more to have sothing to support my instability than out of a desire to drink.
"Y-you know how much this hurts , don't you?"
My voice ca out low, a whisper interspersed with the emotion that threatened to swallow whole.
He nodded slowly.
"Yes."
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